I am glad I found this forum. I have been reading many of the questions and posts and will be hoping to get some advice.

I have a 81 year old Mom who recently broke her hip and was in a rehab facility for 2 months rehabbing, she did very well. Mom is very petite but very strong willed and has never been afraid to do anything. She had hip surgery and for a week afterwards she was saying very bizarre and crazy things. I heard that sometimes an elder who goes under anesthesia does have crazy thoughts, which didn't help at all with the possible early onset of dementia. My Mom has never been diagnosed with dementia, but we do see her memory and repeating has increased more in the last year or so.

A lot has happened to my Mom in recent months, my father died and she was in shock over it. She actually doesn't remember the funeral but that is understandable due to the circumstances. A few months after he died she fell and broke the hip. We moved her to an assisted living facility, telling her that this was a place where she can get more physical therapy and get stronger. Here's the bad part. She thinks that her insurance is covering the cost and they are not. She says she is going home and brings it up multiple times per day. Nothing would make me happier (or her) to know she can go home eventually, luckily, this facility doesn't make you sign a contract, so she could go home. She is frugal and would be so mad (rightly so) if she knew she was paying for this. I went along with the plan to move her to this place, but I just can't let this sit without telling her the truth. She needs to know that she is paying for this facility, she thinks she is going home, and it breaks my heart knowing that every time she mentions it, I know I am betraying her.

I am the POA so I am handling all the business and bill paying for her. She is smart enough to know that she has deposits and bills due and asks about her balance at the bank every day. I do not live in the city where she is at, 4 hours away, and I have a sister who lives near there, she wants her to stay there, she doesn't have the time to check in on her t home every day, or every time she calls (I don't think Mom would, because she isn't a fan of the husband. He is very opinionated about everything, and loves to throw out that they don't have "time to deal with things" I feel she could go home with help of course, and I could go and be with her weeks at a time, I am retired. I have looked into home health agencies and the ones I am looking into have been recommended by friends in her town. She has lots of friends too that would be willing to help out when asked.

I am in such turmoil that I can hardly function and think of nothing but this, every time I call her I cringe knowing she is somewhere where she doesn't want to be. The facility is very nice, but no real activity there, people working there are nice enough but no one is around during the weekends there, except a nurse and a few other aides, on call Dr. and nurses if needed. Mom is a social person and seeing her only go to the dining room, eat, socialize a little back to her room. Not good. I think being in a different setting other than home attributes to the possible dementia too? thanks so much!

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Oh boy! I’m in the same boat but in reverse. Mom has dementia (but adamantly denies it to the point of hanging the phone up on me at the mere mention of the word). However she is in her home and we need to sell it and get her into a senior living center which I was hoping would give her much needed social life (she has nine and has no friends which is really tragic). I am wondering if this place your mom is living is more of a rehab center than an actual sernior care community? Are there any activities and things? The place we are looking at for my mom has art classes and bus trips to cultural events and such. It also has a few dining rooms and an on call nurse. She is not super active but we are hoping she will walk the garden grounds and are also hoping to get her a small dog? Maybe they may help your mom if she seems to be declining. My mother has declined rapidly since my father died 2 years ago. It was also a shock for her. It’s unhealthy mentally for them to be alone so much so we are now paying a girl to come 3 -4 days a week to do light housekeeping and help mom wirh shopping and errands and go out to dinner wirh her to get her out of the house and into society to interact with people. I can’t stress that enough. If you can even find someone once or twice a week to take your mom to lunch or shopping or anything to get her out of her room that would be monumental. Also try to engage her in some activities or something where she can be productive.
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I hope you can figure out what is causing your mother's issues. Was the confusion, repeating, etc. happening before the injury? If she does have dementia, she may not be able to process the information that you have in store for her. Keep in mind that making yourself feel better, may not help her in the long run. I'd consult with an attorney to see if you have Durable POA and just what your duties are for her well being. If you providing her the care she needs, then, that's proper and no need to feel bad. It seems like a good way to spend the money if she needs that care.

I'd be cautious of well meaning friends who say they have no problem dropping by to help her. People, often, aren't as available as they say and if your mom does have dementia, they may stop wanting to come as much, because, it's challenging.

I'd search for somewhere that provides good care, unless she can afford around the clock care in her home. If she does have dementia, she may not be happy anywhere. Even people in their own home are often unhappy and complain that they want to be elsewhere. Most of the places that I know of such as AL and Memory Care are required to have activities by law. I hope you can find one that you think she would like.

Has she had any kind of baseline mini evaluation done before, so they can see if there has been decline? I might discuss it with her doctor. Perhaps, it's something that can be treated, like vitamin deficiency.
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Unless your sister is on board to do lots of care giving for your mother, she'd be better off going to Assisted Living. Although you say she's currently in Assisted Living, It sounds more like Skilled Nursing to me. Assisted Living has lots of activities and outings on the mini bus for the residents, so it would be a good and safe environment for your mother, especially with her having some dementia. If you are her financial POA, she doesn't have to be told the exact amount she's paying mother has no idea and that's how I want to keep it. Why tell her when you know the end result will be her insisting she wants to go home? At her age and in her condition, home is probably not the best place for her. Life needs to be simplified for the elderly.....not further complicated with financial details and lots of decision making in general. As medical and financial POA for my mother, I make all decisions for her because she's no longer capable of doing so. Once dementia sets in, all hell tends to break loose without much warning and we are often left to pick up the pieces of the bad decisions our folks keep making. I take on the role of The Bad Guy, cuz someone has to, let's face it. If left to their own devices, there's no telling WHAT would happen!

Hospital delirium is common after surgery, so there is a chance she can see some improvement in her mental status as time goes on. But again, she may need more ongoing care than your sister is willing to provide. And with you living 4 hours away, how much care can you realistically give her? If it were me, I'd find her an Assisted Living community that better fits her needs and wants, and get her moved in there once she's physically recuperated.

Best of luck!
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Anesthesia can really throw people for a loop, especially the elderly and more especially those with some dementia. A friend of mine, her mom had knee surgery and never recovered mentally from it, with her dementia getting and remaining MUCH worse. I guess this is unfortunately a thing that can happen.

Hopefully your mom will improve.

I wish I had some advice on the financial side, etc. Obviously your mom needed this level of care after her surgery and of course she had to pay for it.

If your sister, for ANY reason, does not want to take on more duties if your mom was to move back home, I think it best not to expect her to do anything. Some people just can't and/or won't be happy or willing to be in the caregiver role. That is their right, whether or not the rest of the family agrees with it or understands it.

At your mom's age and condition, it seems like it might be best for her to be in some kind of a facility and not living at home alone. There are so many things you need to handle when you live alone. Can she handle them ALL on her own?

She could pay for home health care so caregivers could be line up for X hours on X days/week. It's a little more complicated and ultimately more expensive when care needs are high.

Best of luck sorting this out.
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