Having second thoughts... Am I doing the right thing moving my mother to AL?

I get it! We had to move my brother to AL very quickly after he had been released from the hospital. He’d want to go through things which really slowed things dow. It drove me crazy. We moved his furniture, clothes and kitchen items. His essentials with little complaint.

You are doing the right thing and she wants to go too. Your mom is grieving the loss of the life she had, which is represented by all the things you’re combing through. I don’t think either of you expected this to be so difficult. Her crying is pretty understandable but it’s distressing to you because you want to get the show on the road.

Try asking her what are the most important items that she wants to bring with her. Asking her what to keep and what to get rid of is adding to a sense of loss and is harder on her decision making—it can add pressure when she’s already grieving very deeply. Can you move her into AL now with her furniture and things she wants to keep? Being in AL will be a new environment and the loss of things may be buffered. Then you can bring over things that she parted with even though she didn’t want to.

Do what is in her best interest long run. Get her doctor to give her an anti-anxiety med until this is settled and she has moved. Move her first then go settle the house with her happy elsewhere. 98 is old. Everything is tough at that age.

Honestly I believe your mom is saying she is ready because she feels she is a burden on you. At 98, why not tell her you are keeping her with you, and bringing in home help for her and a cleaning lady for you. My dads 99 next month. I care for him mostly but also have started bringing in help. He told me once he can not part with his home because he sees it as his life accomplishment. You see his Uncle lost the family farm when he was young by putting a lean on the farm for his trucking business and they had to move from the beautiful farm house and 700 acres which is still standing. They were given a small house on his grandfathers land to live in. He feels buying his first home after WWII on a handshake loan from another farmer. Then eventually getting the home he lives in now his accomplishment in live. Not that he had a good job but owning his house. If he looses it he looses part of himself. Others will disagree with me. But be prepared if your mom is this stressed. After the move expect her to go downhill. The AL bo matter how good, is not going to be the same or give her the attention and care an in home person would.

Justsotired: You ARE doing the right thing. Let mom pack away some of her precious possessions.

we only took what mom needed immediately (as in clothes and personal care items), in one suitcase, as if she was going on a long trip. and some family pics. if she needs anything we bring it to her from the house, but she really hasn't needed much. sorting absolutely all of her stuff before going would be a nightmare.

I could only do this after my mother entered AL. She promised me for years she would not let this get to where it was after she witnessed what we had to do with the house of my MIL. That was not realistic.

We moved her closer to us which was 40 miles away. We consulted with her but it was too overwhelming to do with her. We would get home at 2:30 in the morning absolutely exhausted and mad she was putting us through this. It took us 6 months to clear out her 1 bedroom apartment. My husband and I are both only children.

If she will agree to let you do more on your own it might be easier. It is very difficult. We had to throw alot away but we moved alot and tried to get her what she wanted. You are at least fortunate she is agreeable to enter AL. Neither my mother or MIL really were but simply had to as they had gone so far downhill. It is also beneficial that she realizes you need your life back. I wish you strength.

You are fortunate it is your mother and not your spouse. It is easier to make those kinds of decisions when the do not affect your personal life. You also fortunate that you are not financially bound to care for her.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can help mom with this dilemma and provide meds to help with the anxiety and depression.

A hoarding therapist can walk her through the elimination process and give her the gift of freedom. Do an Internet search for hoarding therapists near her home.

While she's busy with her new friends, you can plan your next vacation!

If possible I would probably just reassure her that all her things will be safe and leave the sorting out. If you can manage to store things for a short time I think your mother will stop asking about when she has settled at her new place.

We live in AL. It is exactly how most people feel. It is a big, and final move, and a lot of grief for the past is involved. Hug her, say you love her. Let her mourn the past. Start packing things she will DEFINITELY NEED in one area. Offer to box the other stuff, maybe with general identifying info on top, and keep it while she adjusts to the facility. It will be worth storing it somewhere for a while. Actually, I got rid of some stuff I could have used after I settled. But am not terribly upset about it. I predict she will forget it or not want it. This is a normal emotional stage and will allow her to eventually move on. She sounds like a brave and smart woman. I expect you are having similar reactions and thus the urge to hold onto the present and past.

Change , any change and especially change such as this is riddled with grief, grief and, more grief; grief about the past ( perhaps) though not mentioned, present grief regarding the physical and emotional demands of such a nice ( or indeed any move) and, the anticipatory grief, that grief about the unknown and what lies ahead.... Both your mother and you are grieving from your own perspectives and, you both may want to just sit down together, take some deep breaths and, acknowledge the grief, look at some pictures, share some stories and, if you practice a faith, pray together.
Your mother is very blessed to have you both the past 20 years and, to this very day.

There is no set definite way to make this move less stressful.

Maybe set aside just the items most important to take and, insist that nothing else be dealt with at this time assuring her that you and she will decide on the rest later may help. And, perhaps consider telling her the rest should just stay there in her room for now when she may visit.

You are doing a good job....kudos to you. The emotional challenge for you both is normal. Take some breaks, be kind to yourself.

It's a massively overwhelming task that should be done after the move. A little physical distance and time between Mom and the "things" makes it a lot easier to realize what can be gotten rid of.

My dad, bless his heart, realized pretty late in the game that he and my mom were leaving me with an enormous task of clearing house their house someday, so he started trying to do some of it himself. He wasn't crying or suffering horribly, but he wanted to find just the right person for every single thing. He wanted someone to cherish those items as they had, and it simply wasn't possible.

They had more than 50 years' worth of stuff in that house, so I finally told him to enjoy his things and I'd deal with it all "later" (code word for "when you and Mom are gone and won't care"). Just me telling him that I was OK with clearing out the house took a huge weight off his shoulders and saved him from having to make so many decisions.

Maybe try taking that approach with your mom. Just tell her you'll deal with everything "later," and drop the subject. I know you want it all out of your house, but if it's been in there for 20 years, you know you have the space for it, at least temporarily, and you can sit on it for a couple of months and then start the Great Purge. She'll likely have asked for everything she's going to ask for in those first couple of months, and then you'll be free to get rid of the rest.

After holding an estate sale at my parents' house last May, I had a hauling company come in and take the rest. They have a big warehouse where they kept the good stuff for their own sales (fine with me), so their price to haul wasn't really that bad -- $1600 for an entire house, garage and yard full of stuff. It took them almost three days to empty that house, so you can imagine how much there was in there. There was absolutely no way my dad could have made even a slight dent in it.

I think your best course is to get into her house and get out some of the stuff that is relatively useless and meaningless, then let her sift and dwell on what’s left.

We all hate the thought of using subterfuge, even when we truly want only to help, but if our intentions are right and loving, doing so can work out for the best.

My mother was married in 1942 and kept every bill receipt and cancelled check from then until my father died in 1982. I mean EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE.

Your mother is making a positive choice about going into an AL, and her decision will benefit all of you. You may find a renewed joy with visiting heron her own turf, while she enjoys a new type of independence.

Hoping this is a satisfying and pleasant decision for ALL!

You are totally doing the right thing and mom will be FINE in AL. Even better than she is in your home b/c AL is like day camp for elders, with lots to do, lots of old ladies for her to schmooze with and complain to about the horrrrrrrrrrrrrible food and the tiny little portions that wouldn't fill a cavity. Your mistake is giving her too much time to think, too many decisions to make, and too many options about what to take and what to leave behind. A woman who's lifelong habit it is to make a mountain out of a molehill will have a field day NOW, using this as a HUGE crisis du jour, and then laying out the guilt trip on you HARD by saying things like, 'oh no, I have to get out of your house so you can get your life back.' SIGH. So put the burden back on YOU, as if to say, I wouldn't even THINK of doing such a stupid thing if it weren't for YOU needing YOUR life back. SIGH. Don't pay any attention to this nonsense. Just pack up the essentials and get mom out of Dodge and into the new digs STAT. The more time she has to dwell on the inequity of the whole situation, the worse off you'll BOTH be.

All of her precious things she can't live without will NOT be moving with her, obviously. So pack up all the bare essentials and pull the band-aid off as quickly as possible now. DO NOT second guess yourself, either. Mom is not going to 'die' by moving into a hotel-like ALF, I guarantee it! Most seniors don't have 2 nickels to rub together, never mind the funds to finance a fancy lifestyle in an upscale building! She's fortunate, just like MY parents were, so everyone needs to count their blessings here, and that is the truth of the matter. Your mother was fortunate to have lived with you for as long as she did, and now it's time to move on to a new and exciting adventure. Amen.

Best of luck!

I agree with others. Since she lives with you, you don't need to clear out the place before she goes. Let her pick what to take and you deal with it after she moves. I also have sympathy for dealing with an elder who wants to 'help'. Everytime my father tried to 'help' it usually ended up with him hurting himself and ending up in the ER. Yup, now that made my life soooo much easier to add an ER trip into the mix.

Get her into AL and she’ll forget about most of it. She’s already telling you it’s too hard for her, so take her at her word and just get her there. The stuff - you can do what you want after she’s in her new place. It’s a burden for her now, but she’s going to be a lot happier when it’s out of her sight.

Select what to take to the Assisted Living to get her all set up and then make the move. Deal with the other stuff later, and DON'T get your mother involved in sorting/disposing/decision making. She will determine that EVERYTHING is important. Keep a few, very few boxes of stuff for her in your home if possible, and get rid of the rest. Maybe family pictures that you can bring over show her occasionally, or a special Christmas ornament that can come out at holidays. When she asks about other things just say "yes, I have that in a box at home for you", or "I'm pretty certain that's in the downstairs closet". Don't offer to look for it or to bring it to her or tell her you threw it out. She doesn't really want it, she just wants to think it is safe. I've been doing this successfully with my dad for years. He'll suddenly ask about some little trinket and is perfectly happy when I answer "Yes, I have that in a box in my downstairs closet." and then he lets it drop.

Your Mom is not going to be able to take a lot. I took Moms bed, a dresser, tv and table. I had a small bookcase for her Bible and other books. Her recliner. She had 2 small closets. One was for her clothes, the other I used for storage of things she might need. Mom had Dementia so there was no visiting in her room. But I put some paper plates, cups and plastic tableware in her kitchenette.

Mom was not a nick nack person so she didn't have any. I would not take anything worth any money. Nick Nacks get broken. Jewelry gets stolen. I would keep to the basics for now. I changed out Moms clothes according to season. Took the ones she wasn't using home and stored them in under the bed boxes and totes. The paperwork should stay at your house. Put the clothes that no longer fit aside. You can get rid of them when she is in AL. The paperwork, go thru it when she leaves. And if she has been living with you, why can u not store her stuff? She will not need a lot of clothes. My Mom wore slacks and tops everyday.

I agree that it may be best to make the move and then deal with the stuff. Plan to take her favorite things that will fit in the new place and then, once she’s settled, you can deal with the “stuff”. I just moved my parents across the country in December. My mom purged a few closets and drawers before the move but most everything else was handled by me after the sale of their home. She just couldn’t part with anything and bringing it all just wasn’t an option. My mom has missed a few things but, for the most part, she is perfectly happy with the things she does have in the new place.

We also just moved mom and dealt with the 'stuff' later.

I am convinced the reason mom never wanted to 'think' about moving had to do with the volume of stuff in her house. It was quite easy for me to toss stuff. For her--not so much.

You may be doing things backward here. When mom and her sister moved in together in an IL, we moved them by a moving company, just the essentials that would fit in the rooms. We brought over all clothes and bedroom stuff. Followed with any important furniture that fit into the other rooms. After the move, my brother and I tackled the rest in the other home. We did take them back a couple of weeks later to see what they pointed to that were still essential. Apparently they did not miss much of the sentimental small stuff. After living a couple of weeks in the new place, their brains adjusted that they were living with the right amount. At this point I would stop including her in the pre plan. Pack her clothes and bathroom supplies and just place a sticker on the items to move