My mom has good days and bad days as far as her memory goes. She has difficulty walking and currently uses a walker. I got married this past Dec. My husband and I have been living with her. My husband is worried about her falling and getting depressed, thus causing mental and physical decline. He's not sure it is the right decision to move.
Your husband's concern should be whether or not you are getting depressed. Not your mother.
If your mother still possesses enough mental faculties that the three of you can sit down and have a talk with her, have one. Tell her what her choices are. She can move to a senior community where she won't be alone. She can go to AL where she will get meals and help that she needs. She can stay where she is and have live-in caregiving help. You and your husband will of course make sure she is cared for before you move. You two can be her advocates, not her slaves.
Please don't let any of the martyrs and "saints" here make you feel guilty and ashamed because you don't want to sacrifice your life to be your mother's caregiver. You and your husband have a right to live your lives and to do so wherever you want.
My mother is trying to put the guilt trip on me now because I'm back together with my ex-husband and moving out. We're buying a place with an 'in-law' suite. She's angry because our son is going to live there because he's in school. I told that kid he better get a Ph.D and stay for a long time.
My mother told me that she knows I don't love her. I told her she is wrong.
I do love her. Only I love my husband, son, and myself more. That's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I will make sure she has homecare services. I'll still help her out. Only it will be on my terms not hers.
I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.
Unless you can get her into an AL or unless you can get her round the clock oversight at home, I think she is very vulnerable being alone unless she has other supports you didn’t mention.
I know you want to start your new life but your Mom needs help and unless you have a serious care plan in place, she’s at risk for hurting herself.
Seems harsh unless there are plans to take care of her.
The other day I was in a medical facility and had a long --i.e. 20 minute -- chat with a woman who has worked for some 16 years in what she called a "senior residence." There are so many types nowadays, I don't know what kind exactly. But here's what struck me from what she said. To summarize: "We are no longer accepting ANYONE on Medicaid. And the ones we do have who are on Medicaid, we are putting them now 2 to a room." This reminds me of a Canadian who posted something recently about how people there with very little resources end up 3 to 4 in a room.
I have no idea if this is a trend that's going to sweep the country or if it's already swept the country and we don't know it, whether it's "regional" for certain parts of the country, etc.
If she has memory issues now, be prepared for a possibly quick decline. Often, when things change in the home, there is a mental decline.
It kind of sounds like your husband is more reluctant to move than you in regard to his concern about your mom. Sounds like he would be willing to stay put. Is there a reason you don't want to be there any longer? And would mom's finances afford her the same caregiving situation that she has with the two of you at this time?
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