Hi everyone,My Mom passed away in April of 2020. Age 73 after a short illness. My Dad passed away in December of 2024 after five years of metastatic prostate cancer. Age 83. I wasn't able to be with my mom because of Covid. However, my Dad lived with me and my son, who is 17. I was his full time caretaker. And was there when he passed. I was extremely close to both Mom and Dad and their deaths are destroying me. My heart is shattered and I feel like I got a punch In the gut every single day. I am also an only child. I wanted to ask, has grief counseling helped you at all? I know I need therapy but wanted to ask you if you felt like it helped? Thank you very much Kelle
A therapist, Grief or Bereavement counselor is another option.
There are Grief Support Groups that can be helpful.
Like anything you get out what you put into it and how you move forward.
I have a saying that I keep over my desk. the Facilitator of the Dementia Support Group that I attended gave it to us.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
You do not "get over" the death of a loved one, you get through it.
Just like any daunting thing in life you take one day at a time.
I liken it to a deep wound.
It hurts like the dickens when it first happens. It takes a long time for the flesh to come together again and when it does you have a scab. That scab occasionally gets knocked off and your wound may open again. And it hurts, maybe not as much as the first time. Eventually you are left with a scar that is pink and still may hurt but that also fades. But every once in a while something happens and you get that ache once again.
Just like a good bra or pair of shoes it may take time to find a group or therapist that will fit just right but when you find one it is worth the effort.
But PLEASE do not be hard on yourself. December is not that long and you were a caregiver for a very long time. You are still finding out who you are once again. Embrace time.
I'm sorry to ramble on about my own personal experience. I said all of that to say this, when you lose someone you love, there is nothing that will fill that void. Yes, therapy and family/friends support can be helpful, yet no one will take the place of who you've lost. There is a saying I once came across. It may sound somewhat callous and negative, yet I find it to be true.
'Time heals nothing. Life goes on.'
Personally, I think that life going on is the healing. Especially if we can smile or be warmed by a memory of someone we've lost.
Things can't ever be the same again, but that's our tribute to those we have loved - to carry both the love and the memories as our lives continue on without them.
I joined several grief groups, but not until I committed my time, energy and self to doing the painful work and put in the time to work through and really FEEL my feelings and understand my thoughts and experiences through their decline and death, did I turn the corner. The first counselor I went to did not click with me. She was certainly professionally competent, but too young and did not have the life experience and lens from which I was seeing. My 2nd counselor was a savior. I stuck with it for a year and a half - weekly sessions pouring out all my heart - as well as learning techniques to help me control my anxiety and rampant grief thoughts. Her gentle, but consistent guidance helped me start to heal and live again, I don't think you ever really get OVER grief...it is always a scar, just scabbed over. That is ok - you loved a lot, so you will always have a level of grief over losing and missing that love...but you learn to move forward and adapt to a new you, a different reality. Please invest in yourself, your soul and your future and find a grief counselor for one-on-one sessions to help you move forward and know joy again - it is well worth the effort ; YOU are well worth the energy and time! Hugs, Laurabelle
I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.
You are my ideal of someone who was so very much traumatized and who worked so hard to get well.
I wish I saw you here more often.
My best to you.
I'm sorry for your loss and your experience may be different from mine. You will get through this.❤️
I have a friend who has been struggling with cancer treatment; she said that the counsellor didn't help, although the woman was very nice. Yet, I noticed she wasn't talking in absolutes or extremes any more and was more open to hearing my reasonable information (about vegetarian alternatives to vaccines she might need after her surgery, which she was refusing to agree to having because they were animal based). Previously, she had rejected my research and said she won't agree and so can't have the surgery.
I'm happy to say she's now recovering from the debulking surgery after finally signing the agreement regarding potential organ removal (the spleen was what she was afraid of losing, but it was cancer free) and vaccines.
We all react differently and can't foresee how we will until that time comes.
Kelle
i lost my dad in May 2022 and started grief counselling in July 2022. It’s been so valuable,especially as my mum got diagnosed with Parkinson’s in aug 2022; I went from caring for dad to gradually doing more for mum. She’s still has some independence but I still have some sessions as it gives me an outlet to cope with seeing changes in mum and the inevitability of it all. I’m an only child too.
a good counsellor is key. It took me a while to get into it. Alva’s words really reasonated with me. After caring for dad I found it very hard to move on but it really helped.
wish you all the best
xxx
A good part of our grieving is the thought processes that we ALLOW into our brains, allowing them to take up space like an unwanted and troublesome tenant. And the repeating over and over to ourselves negative thoughts is a kind of self-harming that can become a dangerous habit.
We can convince our minds of almost anything by our repeating things to it over and over again.
In choosing to mourn someone so long (2020 is a long time ago. It's when my brother passed) negates the beauty and wonder of that life in its fullness. Love doesn't die. You can't reach out and see and hear your mom, but surely you feel her still with you. Her life now deserves to be celebrated and that is how you honor her. Giving your love forward to others, which you did for your Dad is honoring the full long life of the one you lost. It is hard for caregivers to live without that one to whom they gave care; giving care gives us a sense of who we ARE, and when that's taken from us we haven't just lost the loved one, but we have lost ourSELVES.
We all lose our parents. I don't happen to be a believer but I love the poetry of the bible. Just yesterday in a private message I wrote another suffering about the several places in the bible (David's psalms and in Isaiah that I know for certain) our lives are likened to flowers of the field, that bloom and are then gone in the winds.
If you are having abnormal grieving patterns so long after mom's death, that is not good, but Dad is very recently dead and that has to be still very painful. For me, I felt mostly relief when my parents and my brother died. I knew they no longer had to suffer pain and torment, fear and further losses. I knew I no longer had to stand silent helpless witness to their pain. They had good lives. I see them in all the fine things in life.
The new DSM-5 makes prolonged grieving a diagnosis. It is covered by insurance. Get a good COGNITIVE therapist who can help you to move from pain to remembering the love with joy. Yes, you will ALWAYS miss them. That's because you are carrying them with you. It can get heavy sometimes, unexpectedly. Accept the tears and let them wash your heart. Like a weather system they will come, and then move on.
My heart out to you.
I am sorry for your loss. I promise that it will get easier, although you will sometimes get a sharp stab of grief on odd occasions when you really thought you were over the worst. And those sudden memories will also make you smile, despite the pain.
I had counselling after my dad died of cancer 4 years ago. I wasn't close to him as you were to both your parents, as I'd only found him a year before he died, but I had always been desperate to find him, I grew fond of him, and it had been a harrowing journey watching him approach end of life. So, I needed help to process my emotions.
I had a talking therapy (courtesy of the NHS) over the telephone. It was during Covid restrictions and I was happy to not meet in person. The counsellor really did help me to deal with my complicated feelings and grief.
I hope you can get help to find acceptance and peace.