Has anyone amended their will to take the non-caring adult child out of their share of inheritance?

If you feel like you need to specifically exclude someone in your will, do include some kind of reason. A wealthy bachelor uncle in our family distributed money and assets to most of his nieces and nephews. Several other nieces and nephews were excluded by name, with no reason given. (Because their names appeared in the will, they each were mailed a copy of the will.) They felt hurt and offended, as they had always been on good terms. Much later it was discovered that the uncle wrote the will when his brother was still living, and he had assumed that the brother's children would inherit from their father.

Give those that help some monetary payment while you are alive. Then, when you die you can leave them all the same share and make it look
like you were a good mother.

Early on the OP said she was living her will as is, son will be treated equally.

when my MIL passed a few years ago, she left nothing to her youngest daughter, but 50% to my husband and 50% to his brother. the reason? her daughter stole from her, took her good jewelry and all her photos.

she also had nothing much to split over. the daugher was really, really mad and took it on on my husband.

I am speaking from the child’s point of view. I am the only daughter, married to an only child who has two sets of step siblings. Lots of drama on all sides.

I am emotional support for my mom, tho she lives out of town. She has a son who is there for her but morally not on the same page. My brother who should be helping her has a wife with “issues” who prevents him from helping much.

My hubby’s side of the family is a whole mother ball of wax.

My take is this—if you favor one child in your will, you set your kids up for resentment and ill will after you are gone. My husband is on disability and we could use it but I DO NOT want more as it will affect family relations. So not worth it.

instead, my mom does things for us now, which we appreciateand which help us out. That’s how she shows her appreciation. And our relationship is worth more than gold. I do it for the love and not the money. We will get a decent inheritance so the amount doesn’t count. It’s doing the right thing. Let God be the judge.

Reward the ones who help you when you’re alive and leave equal shares shares when you’re gone so they stay family because is ‘t That more Important?
Ps. My dad was a probate attorney and that was also his advice. Revenge from beyond the grave is pointless. Speak to them now.

What you have here is an opportunity not just to reward the children who have contributed most to your care, but also to set the tone of the siblings relationships after you are gone. Rather than explaining what you're doing as disinheriting one child, explain it as giving a greater share to the ones who were able to do the most caregiving because you know that it affected their ability to earn income and save for their own retirement. Then, give a significantly greater share, but not nothing and not $1. For example, a 10%, 45%, 45% split. Just my two cents.

There are many ways to pass assets at your death before the will even becomes involved.
Financial accounts, including retirement accounts and life insurance policies as well as bank accounts, can (and should) have named beneficiaries or PODs (Pay on Death).
In my state, vehicles can be titled with a named Transfer on Death owner. The title reads "Owner TOD Favorite Daughter" for example. Real Estate the same--the TOD is named on the deed. These processes are pretty inexpensive to implement and have many advantages over a will:
1) The assets pass outside of probate, so no one has to know how much you left to whom, and there is no probate fee for these transferred assets.
2) You have unrestricted use and complete control of the assets until you die, so you don't run out of money you might need just because you gave things away.
3) It's fairly easy to transfer money between accounts and/or change PODs and even TODs, so if you change your mind because circumstances change, you dont have to prepare a new will.
4) The asset basis to your heirs is stepped up to value at your death, which is very important for tax purposes.
5) Once you've named your helpful children as beneficiaries and TODs as you have chosen, your will can say that everything else is divided equally. So, no reason for Rev Out of Sight to feel slighted by your will distribution. And his siblings can--or not--tell him whatever they want about what they got.

My husband is leaving more assets to his son because he's a single dad with no retirement account while the daughter has a husband to help her and her own pension and retirement.
It's your choice. You may want to discuss it with the helpful ones, and name one of them as your Executor. You can explain your reasons to them now, or leave them a letter of explanation outside of the will.

Please express your appreciation to the two children who help you. It means so much to hear it, so don't assume they know. Be specific. "I appreciate you driving me to the doctor today." I know many people will disagree and say money should be divided evenly, but I do not agree. If you are helping me, then I will express my appreciation by leaving you my assets. If you ghost me, well no. (Those of you who are going to object to my reasoning, please know that I do not actually have children.) My grandmom had three children. One of them lived with her and took care of her, one visited and one didn't. Her will divided everything three ways, but... Grandmom had set up a joint bank account with the child who lived with her. That child indicated (for tax purposes) to the lawyer that grandmom had funded that account all with her money. The bottom line was that grandmom effectively left 50% to the one sibling. Grandmom was very clever. Unless you looked closely at the numbers and did the math, you would not realize what she had done.
It's your money, so you have an absolute right to do what you want with it. It seems like you want to leave your money to the children who actually speak to you. If so, just make sure the will is written by a lawyer. The will needs to name the son as your son and then specifically say that you are leaving nothing or less to that person. This makes it clear that you didn't accidentally forget his existence. Putting a reason in there may be helpful legally. You may want to write a letter to be given to the son upon your death expressing your reasons. What is the relationship between this son and the two other children? Does he speak to them? I'm sure he will be upset if he is left out of the will. The more money there is, the more upset he will be. If he doesn't have a relationship with his siblings now, it will be easier on them to deal with his upset.

We've all heard the story to not make any dramatic decisions when in an emotional state - whether it be loss of a loved one, vehicle accident, you name it. Anyone will tell you for example - you do not buy a expensive boat, indulge in a Tesla when you're under duress. Sorry, but that was just an example. Do not make any rash decisions under duress, including - in this case - amending your will.

My father recently passed away and I am the executor of his estate. When I was contacting the bank about his death I was very surprised to learn that he had left me what was in that account. The remainder of the estate was to be equally divided between myself and my 5 siblings. My 3 sisters were able to provide some assistance but my 2 brothers were useless. During my fathers last year of life he weekly wanted to do something special since I was the one who was always there but I told him to leave things the way they were so was very surprised with the bank account.

As a child who is the trustee of her mothers will, I now have to tell my siblings they get nothing. See when my mother was fine, she had some money. But now she is in an assisted living facility and the funds are dwindling down to nothing. Out of 7 kids only 1 visits. I live close to my mother and have been her guardian for some time after my dad passed. Then my mother moved in with me before her accident and her memory started to go. She is now in an assisted living place. So it's interesting this discussion. Her will stated that all her money was to be equally divided. Her bank account and other funds have been slowly dwindling due to medical issues. Medicine and doctors visits have taken the most of her funds. So when she passes, those who didn't bother to visit or keep in contact will be in for a shock. If possible give it to the ones visiting now. Don't wait. You never know what life is going to throw at you. If it were me. I'd take my mom on her last cruise and show her how much she meant to me. Show the love now. Don't wait.

I have a thought I'd like to toss in here. If you can, do something special for the good kids you are kind, loving and helping you - now. Then later take all of your assets upon your death and give it all to some good charities.

I am a firm believer and have a lifetime of experience in many situations as you mention above. If you have assets, etc. and want to give it to your children, then GIVE TO THOSE WHO LOVE YOU, ARE KIND TO YOU, AND HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU. Do N O T do this for children who don't fall into that category - they do NOT deserve anything. But to protect yourself legally, give them $l.00 and state in your will that if the will is contested, the money will not be given out ($l.00 recipient) and further state in the will WHY you are not giving the bad kid anything. Protect yourself in writing in the will with the help of a good attorney. Perhaps give the bad child's portion to a charity of your choosing.

You may not like this answer but give to those children who stood by you while you and they are living. Leave the rest to one or more charities.
Not even your children are guaranteed to outlive you. I wish my dad would have done something similar.

So many things could come into play here, not knowing how old your children were when their stepfather came into the picture, if their father is or was still in the picture and if a good potion of the assets came from your previous marriage to their father or not, did your husband (their stepfather) bring children into the marriage as well. But beyond any of that, call me naïve but I don't think inheritance should be tied to or in repayment for care given at the end of life. You aren't paying your children to visit, to care or as caregivers and if you are paying them as caregivers then it should be done at the time and on the up and up, x amount of money per hour of work. That said I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging the extra time and work one or two put in over the others, whatever the reason and there are all kinds of ways to do that now rather than after you are gone and making a big point of it through your will without being there to verbalize your reasons or leave the possible set up for ugliness and lawsuits. Enjoy doing something to recognize your love and appreciation for the things your daughters have been doing to support you and help you with caring for your husband while your still around to enjoy it rather than using what they did out of love to punish your son. Most of us don't help out and care for our LO's and family because we expect something in return, we do it out of love and maybe responsibility, love for your husband and or love for you. If you punish siblings that didn't show their love the way you feel they should have you are focusing on the negative rather than the positive of being appreciative by doing something now and potentially setting up or encouraging possible sibling rivalry. I know that isn't your intention, your intention is positive and gain some of my first questions might make a difference too. But all things equal I would take care of things for each of your children as you see fit while still around to feel good about it and know what helps where (maybe help with tuition or financial help at a time of need, down payment on a car when the need comes up, Just for instance) and then if there is anything left after your gone and expenses are all paid leave it divided evenly the way you and your husband (presumably) set up even if it was prior to his illness. My 2 cents...

Why not put in your will extra money for the helpers saying it is not nearly enough to compensate them for the love, affection and care they showed you while you were living, and leave a lot less for the son saying that his love, support and companionship were sorely missed in your life but you want him to know you love him and are leaving him $x. I just generally like the idea of affirming the love for the children, but also stating why there is a difference in what is being given, not in an accusing manner, but more in how each contributed to and enriched your life by giving of their time and assistance, which is being acknowledged. I don't know - what do others think? Also, have you reached out to your son, or asked him what was up? One never knows unless you ask, and communication is a two way street.

I have ensured that my oldest is not inheriting in my will. She has not only not been of any help with my aging mother, her grandmother; but she has tried to tear her children from my life. For me, she has done hateful things that are not forgivable. So, she is out of the will, but her children are inheriting both money and property, because they have continued to show their love for both me and Great Grandma no matter the drama going on.

I don't believe we owe our adult children anything just because they are "family." My home and money is going to those that have given me joy and made me feel as if I am somebody. I don't have to be the most important person in anyone's life, but I am somebody who deserves care and understanding.

You are somebody. Value those who show you that you really do matter.

In my opinion its your money and you do whatever you want with it. Ive always told my kids dont count on anything Im going to spend as much as I can while Im on this earth! :)

My mother did. My father put him back in his will and regretted it.

There’s got to be more to this story. Kids don’t leave and stay gone for no reason. Unless your son is a serial killer, it’s probably best to leave each equal amounts.   

My mother reduced my portion of her estate to half that of my siblings because I didn't speak to her for 15 years.   What happened remains unseen.
 
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is delusional, jealous, lies and plays the victim. One of my earliest memories is of being three years old and feeling her jealousy. She’s still pathologically jealous even though I’m 62 with a gut and wrinkles. She allowed both siblings to abuse me as children and in adulthood. She made sure that I wore rags while my siblings had beautiful clothes, horses, saddles and swim lessons. My siblings got special dinners with linen and candles; not one special dinner for me. She gave my cat to the pound because I was 16 and cute. In my 30’s she arranged to meet me for a vacation in Mexico and then didn’t show up. 

By the time I was 44 I was so depressed from trying to please her that I couldn’t get off the couch for a month. A succession of counselors commented that “people like your mother don’t change—they just get worse”, “there is something wrong with your mother” and “if it were me I’d give up.”  To save my mental health, I did. Meanwhile she played the angel to her friends and relatives.  

I returned two years ago for one last try, but my mother is more mentally ill than ever. Just like when I was growing up I’m the only one of three siblings to help her—cleaning, support through cancer, broken shoulder and severe bronchitis. She lost her license last year and I’ve been the sole driver for trips to doctors, dentist, stores, social security and post office. My brother is severely alcoholic--he drinks all day and is her baby boy. My sister has antisocial personality disorder and is callous and selfish.  She lives 45 minutes away, visits once or twice a year and is The Favorite. I’m Cinderella.

The family is miserably dysfunctional due to my mother’s personality disorder. This is not my fault and I’ve been treated unfairly all of my life. If my mother leaves me less than either of my siblings I’m challenging the will. I don’t care if it forbids challenges—I have an attorney and two back-ups ready to go. Her executor can deal with the lawsuit and her estate can pay the legal fees.

Would you like to contact your oldest son? Is there some reason that he doesn't speak to you? If you want a relationship with him, do you think it would help to reach out to him? If he lives far away, maybe he can't help you much. You are free to make your will any way that you want. My dad left much more money to my half sister and half brother because my brother and I were well off, and he wanted to provide more for his "needier" children. He discussed this with us ahead of time. We didn't need the money, and we agreed with his reasons. But other people told us that a parent should always give all siblings the same amount. It seems to me reasonable that relatives who are emotionally and physically closer should get more.

I advise you to not judge too harshly when someone doesn't behave the way you think they should. So much that you may not know could be going on. I like the suggestion to give presents to those who help while still alive. There's no punishment it that method.

One has to be careful about giving away assets while alive. For example, if the assets include stock, the tax basis would be the date the stock was acquired by the parents if given while the parent(s) are alive, but if given via a trust or will, the tax basis would be the value on the date of death. For stock that has appreciated over many years (such as my mother's which was largely inherited in 1958), this can make a BIG difference.

Sadly, this topic comes at a good time for my family.
We still have our sane minds. But the health issues continue to grow. We have some very self-involved offspring, from previous marriages, All but one of the sons/daughters have major substance abuse/alcohol abuse issues in teens and early adulthood. Three continue to be alcoholics. We do not, never did those things.
Now all are between 40-50 years old. Old enough to be acting as responsible adults. Due to their personalities developed around their drugs of choice, all but one are very emotionally stunted, pretty much self-absorbed. They Ignore us; after so many years of their poor behavior, we actually prefer being spared their lifestyle drama. Tired of the constant holding out hands, but never helping parents, not visiting, nothing. We don’t expect them to lift a finger to assist us, ever. They certainly never have during major illnesses we’ve had. Have always got better use for their incomes than visiting their parents.
I’ve made sure all CDs are POD to the one son who gives a crap. Due to the drug/alcohol issues, the non-named ones’ offspring aren’t in touch with us grandparents. The ex wives prevented contact out of vindictiveness, not because we weren’t good grandparents. Sadly. So, it’s a dilemma as to whether to leave my other sons’ offspring my sons’ share. My middle son has gone so far as to try to elicit promises of certain items of mine he wants. Things I’m currently using in my home. It makes me feel like he’s just wishing for me to die, as he has done similar things to his grandparents when they were living. He didn’t have any time for them either. I personally find it very offensive, as nobody is entitled to a thing another person has worked for, outside and of the spouse. It is doubtful we will have anything left anyhow, due to medical needs. It’s just so aggravating that people view their parents as givers, nothing more. While I don’t feel inheritances are rewards, I plan all to go to the single son who gives a chit.

Please check with an attorney.

It is better to include a nominal amount for a potential heir than to not mention him or her at all. If something is added, the reader would know it was intentional.

Also, talk your family! Schedule a family meeting and tell them what you want to do - and WHY. Set ground-rules for the meeting such as Children may ask questions (perhaps provide them in advance).
Communication while you're around will ease your mind and allow everyone to understand why you are making your choices.

dont be cruel. As a parent you give because you love, not because someone loves you. You don’t know he/she doesn’t care unless those words have been spoken. Don’t set the siblings up for hard feelings and law suits. They will need to be a family long after you are dead. How about a lesser percentage?

Rather than cut him out completely does he have children or grand children? If so the money that would go to him could go to children or grandchildren.
In my will I am leaving nothing to my (step)children it is all going to grandchildren. I do hope that the money will be used for education but that will not be for me to decide. Knowing the kids that is what will be done with any inheritance.
My thoughts on this are...no child should EXPECT to inherit anything from their parents.
The money saved by me should be use to pay for my care as best as possible so I am not dependent upon the kids, the state or anyone else for my care and comfort. That is what I saved it for ...my retirement ...my life I did not squirrel away money to leave it.
Funny thing is I have always thought this way. Both my parents died when I was pretty young I still have money that was left to me, I have always thought it is not "my" money and had put it in CD's when they were paying a good bit then put it in an annuity that I just started taking. This money I always though of as my Dad's never as mine as I did not earn it. It will now give me a bit of money to play with so I can make improvements on my house and maybe take a vacation. But this is money that I have had available to me since 1969 when my Dad died. I am sure he would approve of what I am going to do.

If you are afraid what would happen if you were to cut him out ask the lawyer what would happen if the will were to be contested. It is possible that if he were to contest the will he would get nothing in the long run but court costs that he incurs to contest the will. Best thing is this is your money, property you can do with it what you want. Personally, my opinion for what it is worth, set aside what you think you will need for yourself for the next X number of years and take the vacation you want, book a cruise with the kids and grand-kids if that is something that you would like, maybe getting your son in a "neutral" environment just might open him up and you might find out the why's of his actions.

I'm one of two adult children over 50. Both parents remarried and my stepmom is alive (stepdad died). My dad let us know that maybe 10 percent will be to the children and grandchildren. We are ok with it. She has loved him and taken care of him for almost 4 decades and it can be expensive to grow old if ill, etc. My grandparents left us under 50,000 30 years ago but it let us both leave college with little debt. If they had wanted us to have more, they would have set up the trust differently. We get it. That's background. My sibling doesn't help much day to day with mom due to distance and his kids are young. But he provides me with emotional support. My advice would be to ask your two kids. They may want it set up equally. The may be ok if you set it up for the two of them and his kids. It is your decision but you might want to consult an attorney.

My mom left me as the executor of her will. It states 50/50 between my brother and I. It also states if we disagree then the executor has the final say. Secondly when I sold her house due to her memory care facility need a trust from the sell of the house was set up. Per my mom's direction this is divided in 3rd's (this includes my son). My brother was gone, for the 3 years her care went on before he even visited, didn't call to check on her, just waited for me to report to him. As I see it, the trust is the latest dated document and will be what I follow once all of her business is concluded since her passing in December. I appreciate the will stating the executor has the final say. Something to consider adding to your will, "if" you fully trust in the executor.

I'd do whatever to thank the kids who are helping - while I'm alive. You never know where you will be financially, etc. when you die. An immediate "thank you" is best.