Has anyone amended their will to take the non-caring adult child out of their share of inheritance?

Yes, I would think it has happened. And I can see the reason why he shouldn't inherit. Really its not fair to the other two who have stood by you.

I was told a long time ago, if you are leaving a child out of your will, leave them a dollar. This way you have acknowledged them and they can't contest the will. If you don't want to be that drastic, you can just leave him a small monetary amount. Leaving the bulk to the two who helped.

You will hear from caregivers who found after years of caregiving, the child who did nothing got the bulk of the estate. Or, the ones who did nothing showed up after a parents passing with their hands out.

Your Will can show how much you appreciated the two who did help. You can also show the one who didn't, how disappointed you were.

A will is to honor those you wish to honor. Use it accordingly, but also not as a weapon to get back at anyone. JoAnn gave sound advice

You can. You can do whatever you want. It's your will. But that will can be contested. A lawyer once told us that a change like that always leads to a court fight. It's just not the child you are disinheriting, it's his spouse and children that can also contest it. None of which should put you off. Just know that nothing in a will is set in stone. In the end, it's up to the probate judge. That will is pretty much just a request to that judge.

Whatever you do, do it sooner rather than later. Since the older you get, the more convincing anyone contesting the will can claim impairment.

Check with the state statutes whether you're required to leave children anything or a specific percentage. (I THINK California has such a requirement.) If not, acknowledge your son and you can put in comments about why you're disinheriting him or why you're leaving the small amount you are. If he or his relatives want to contest it, your written reasons will be an obstacle.

My grandmother put in her will that anyone who contested her will would receive $1 and eternal disgust.

Nobody contested it, but it was so in character for her to do this.

Wills are not gifts or rewards. They are simply a legal way for someone to distribute their estate, Nobody OWES anybody anything.

Mother has written sis in and out of her will so many times...and it's such a joke b/c we all stand to inherit just less than $10 K. Won't make a bit of difference to me. She still holds it over our heads and it makes me laugh. She has nothing and that's fine. I don't WANT anything and I don't like the way she's pretended she's "rewarded" some of the sibs more "justly". It's just ridiculous.

As others have said check your local jurisdiction. Here in BC, you have to leave very clear evidence as to why a Will is not equitable.

The evidence could be that you have already given one child more than the others. It could in your case be a means of paying the kids that do help you.

If you do not provide a justification in a lawyer prepared will, then the kids may be looking at a nasty fight.

You can contest a will, unfortunately. However, you can put a clause in that states if the will is contested, the person contesting will receive nothing.

That discourages greed but it still has to go through the court, at the expense of the estate.

Doing a trust would guarantee your wishes are followed, then you would have a pour over will that directs everything goes to the trust, so no assets go directly to any beneficiary of your will. You can then state that your oldest is being intentionally left out and the reason if you choose. The trust is not a public document and you aren't even entitled to see it unless you are a beneficiary.

I am sorry for your loss of your husband, as well as your oldest child.

I never thought of a will as being an award for good behavior but more like a legacy so to speak.

Otherwise you could be constantly changing it depending on who has been naughty or nice. Are we Santa Clause's or just human beings who want to leave something for kin?

I guess it really depends on how strongly you feel about this.

As tempting as it might be to show your dislike of his behavior by cutting him out of your will completely, don't do it! Is it going to show him the error of his ways? Probably not. Is it going to make your "good kids" feel better? Probably not. Is that what you want to be remembered for? Probably not. It would be far wiser to try to improve your relationship while you are alive rather than using a will to communicate. If improving the relationship is not possible, at least remember him in some way in your will. You'll feel better.

[Just adding up on my fingers...]

If I've got this right, your three great kids *include* the oldest son from whom you are sadly? estranged, and you are feeling hurt that even knowing about your loss he has done nothing to be reconciled.

How recent was your loss?

Would it not be wiser to let it be until you have had more time to adjust? There is more to your relationships with all of your children than how you are feeling right now.

There are also more ways to appreciate your other children's kindnesses than leaving them a headache in your will :)

I hope things will get better for you, and that eventually your son will make an effort to explain himself.

Thank all of you who replied. We have an extremely loving family and no matter how disappointed I am with my oldest son, I sure don't want to be remembered as a bitter person. Sadly, he is a Christian minister as well. I am going to leave the will the way it is, divided equally among the three children. I'd love to leave something for the grandchildren but that became too complicated.

It is true that anyone can sue, but one line that I have seen in a will is, "If anyone contest this will, they are to receive nothing."

Bettysdance, I think that the time to recognize members of the family who are giving something extra is while they are doing it - pay them for all the little tasks they do, even if it isn't anything more than gas money.

I'd do whatever to thank the kids who are helping - while I'm alive. You never know where you will be financially, etc. when you die. An immediate "thank you" is best.

My mom left me as the executor of her will. It states 50/50 between my brother and I. It also states if we disagree then the executor has the final say. Secondly when I sold her house due to her memory care facility need a trust from the sell of the house was set up. Per my mom's direction this is divided in 3rd's (this includes my son). My brother was gone, for the 3 years her care went on before he even visited, didn't call to check on her, just waited for me to report to him. As I see it, the trust is the latest dated document and will be what I follow once all of her business is concluded since her passing in December. I appreciate the will stating the executor has the final say. Something to consider adding to your will, "if" you fully trust in the executor.

I'm one of two adult children over 50. Both parents remarried and my stepmom is alive (stepdad died). My dad let us know that maybe 10 percent will be to the children and grandchildren. We are ok with it. She has loved him and taken care of him for almost 4 decades and it can be expensive to grow old if ill, etc. My grandparents left us under 50,000 30 years ago but it let us both leave college with little debt. If they had wanted us to have more, they would have set up the trust differently. We get it. That's background. My sibling doesn't help much day to day with mom due to distance and his kids are young. But he provides me with emotional support. My advice would be to ask your two kids. They may want it set up equally. The may be ok if you set it up for the two of them and his kids. It is your decision but you might want to consult an attorney.

Rather than cut him out completely does he have children or grand children? If so the money that would go to him could go to children or grandchildren.
In my will I am leaving nothing to my (step)children it is all going to grandchildren. I do hope that the money will be used for education but that will not be for me to decide. Knowing the kids that is what will be done with any inheritance.
My thoughts on this are...no child should EXPECT to inherit anything from their parents.
The money saved by me should be use to pay for my care as best as possible so I am not dependent upon the kids, the state or anyone else for my care and comfort. That is what I saved it for ...my retirement ...my life I did not squirrel away money to leave it.
Funny thing is I have always thought this way. Both my parents died when I was pretty young I still have money that was left to me, I have always thought it is not "my" money and had put it in CD's when they were paying a good bit then put it in an annuity that I just started taking. This money I always though of as my Dad's never as mine as I did not earn it. It will now give me a bit of money to play with so I can make improvements on my house and maybe take a vacation. But this is money that I have had available to me since 1969 when my Dad died. I am sure he would approve of what I am going to do.

If you are afraid what would happen if you were to cut him out ask the lawyer what would happen if the will were to be contested. It is possible that if he were to contest the will he would get nothing in the long run but court costs that he incurs to contest the will. Best thing is this is your money, property you can do with it what you want. Personally, my opinion for what it is worth, set aside what you think you will need for yourself for the next X number of years and take the vacation you want, book a cruise with the kids and grand-kids if that is something that you would like, maybe getting your son in a "neutral" environment just might open him up and you might find out the why's of his actions.

dont be cruel. As a parent you give because you love, not because someone loves you. You don’t know he/she doesn’t care unless those words have been spoken. Don’t set the siblings up for hard feelings and law suits. They will need to be a family long after you are dead. How about a lesser percentage?

Please check with an attorney.

It is better to include a nominal amount for a potential heir than to not mention him or her at all. If something is added, the reader would know it was intentional.

Also, talk your family! Schedule a family meeting and tell them what you want to do - and WHY. Set ground-rules for the meeting such as Children may ask questions (perhaps provide them in advance).
Communication while you're around will ease your mind and allow everyone to understand why you are making your choices.

Sadly, this topic comes at a good time for my family.
We still have our sane minds. But the health issues continue to grow. We have some very self-involved offspring, from previous marriages, All but one of the sons/daughters have major substance abuse/alcohol abuse issues in teens and early adulthood. Three continue to be alcoholics. We do not, never did those things.
Now all are between 40-50 years old. Old enough to be acting as responsible adults. Due to their personalities developed around their drugs of choice, all but one are very emotionally stunted, pretty much self-absorbed. They Ignore us; after so many years of their poor behavior, we actually prefer being spared their lifestyle drama. Tired of the constant holding out hands, but never helping parents, not visiting, nothing. We don’t expect them to lift a finger to assist us, ever. They certainly never have during major illnesses we’ve had. Have always got better use for their incomes than visiting their parents.
I’ve made sure all CDs are POD to the one son who gives a crap. Due to the drug/alcohol issues, the non-named ones’ offspring aren’t in touch with us grandparents. The ex wives prevented contact out of vindictiveness, not because we weren’t good grandparents. Sadly. So, it’s a dilemma as to whether to leave my other sons’ offspring my sons’ share. My middle son has gone so far as to try to elicit promises of certain items of mine he wants. Things I’m currently using in my home. It makes me feel like he’s just wishing for me to die, as he has done similar things to his grandparents when they were living. He didn’t have any time for them either. I personally find it very offensive, as nobody is entitled to a thing another person has worked for, outside and of the spouse. It is doubtful we will have anything left anyhow, due to medical needs. It’s just so aggravating that people view their parents as givers, nothing more. While I don’t feel inheritances are rewards, I plan all to go to the single son who gives a chit.

One has to be careful about giving away assets while alive. For example, if the assets include stock, the tax basis would be the date the stock was acquired by the parents if given while the parent(s) are alive, but if given via a trust or will, the tax basis would be the value on the date of death. For stock that has appreciated over many years (such as my mother's which was largely inherited in 1958), this can make a BIG difference.

I advise you to not judge too harshly when someone doesn't behave the way you think they should. So much that you may not know could be going on. I like the suggestion to give presents to those who help while still alive. There's no punishment it that method.

Would you like to contact your oldest son? Is there some reason that he doesn't speak to you? If you want a relationship with him, do you think it would help to reach out to him? If he lives far away, maybe he can't help you much. You are free to make your will any way that you want. My dad left much more money to my half sister and half brother because my brother and I were well off, and he wanted to provide more for his "needier" children. He discussed this with us ahead of time. We didn't need the money, and we agreed with his reasons. But other people told us that a parent should always give all siblings the same amount. It seems to me reasonable that relatives who are emotionally and physically closer should get more.

There’s got to be more to this story. Kids don’t leave and stay gone for no reason. Unless your son is a serial killer, it’s probably best to leave each equal amounts.   

My mother reduced my portion of her estate to half that of my siblings because I didn't speak to her for 15 years.   What happened remains unseen.
 
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is delusional, jealous, lies and plays the victim. One of my earliest memories is of being three years old and feeling her jealousy. She’s still pathologically jealous even though I’m 62 with a gut and wrinkles. She allowed both siblings to abuse me as children and in adulthood. She made sure that I wore rags while my siblings had beautiful clothes, horses, saddles and swim lessons. My siblings got special dinners with linen and candles; not one special dinner for me. She gave my cat to the pound because I was 16 and cute. In my 30’s she arranged to meet me for a vacation in Mexico and then didn’t show up. 

By the time I was 44 I was so depressed from trying to please her that I couldn’t get off the couch for a month. A succession of counselors commented that “people like your mother don’t change—they just get worse”, “there is something wrong with your mother” and “if it were me I’d give up.”  To save my mental health, I did. Meanwhile she played the angel to her friends and relatives.  

I returned two years ago for one last try, but my mother is more mentally ill than ever. Just like when I was growing up I’m the only one of three siblings to help her—cleaning, support through cancer, broken shoulder and severe bronchitis. She lost her license last year and I’ve been the sole driver for trips to doctors, dentist, stores, social security and post office. My brother is severely alcoholic--he drinks all day and is her baby boy. My sister has antisocial personality disorder and is callous and selfish.  She lives 45 minutes away, visits once or twice a year and is The Favorite. I’m Cinderella.

The family is miserably dysfunctional due to my mother’s personality disorder. This is not my fault and I’ve been treated unfairly all of my life. If my mother leaves me less than either of my siblings I’m challenging the will. I don’t care if it forbids challenges—I have an attorney and two back-ups ready to go. Her executor can deal with the lawsuit and her estate can pay the legal fees.

My mother did. My father put him back in his will and regretted it.

In my opinion its your money and you do whatever you want with it. Ive always told my kids dont count on anything Im going to spend as much as I can while Im on this earth! :)

I have ensured that my oldest is not inheriting in my will. She has not only not been of any help with my aging mother, her grandmother; but she has tried to tear her children from my life. For me, she has done hateful things that are not forgivable. So, she is out of the will, but her children are inheriting both money and property, because they have continued to show their love for both me and Great Grandma no matter the drama going on.

I don't believe we owe our adult children anything just because they are "family." My home and money is going to those that have given me joy and made me feel as if I am somebody. I don't have to be the most important person in anyone's life, but I am somebody who deserves care and understanding.

You are somebody. Value those who show you that you really do matter.

Why not put in your will extra money for the helpers saying it is not nearly enough to compensate them for the love, affection and care they showed you while you were living, and leave a lot less for the son saying that his love, support and companionship were sorely missed in your life but you want him to know you love him and are leaving him $x. I just generally like the idea of affirming the love for the children, but also stating why there is a difference in what is being given, not in an accusing manner, but more in how each contributed to and enriched your life by giving of their time and assistance, which is being acknowledged. I don't know - what do others think? Also, have you reached out to your son, or asked him what was up? One never knows unless you ask, and communication is a two way street.

So many things could come into play here, not knowing how old your children were when their stepfather came into the picture, if their father is or was still in the picture and if a good potion of the assets came from your previous marriage to their father or not, did your husband (their stepfather) bring children into the marriage as well. But beyond any of that, call me naïve but I don't think inheritance should be tied to or in repayment for care given at the end of life. You aren't paying your children to visit, to care or as caregivers and if you are paying them as caregivers then it should be done at the time and on the up and up, x amount of money per hour of work. That said I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging the extra time and work one or two put in over the others, whatever the reason and there are all kinds of ways to do that now rather than after you are gone and making a big point of it through your will without being there to verbalize your reasons or leave the possible set up for ugliness and lawsuits. Enjoy doing something to recognize your love and appreciation for the things your daughters have been doing to support you and help you with caring for your husband while your still around to enjoy it rather than using what they did out of love to punish your son. Most of us don't help out and care for our LO's and family because we expect something in return, we do it out of love and maybe responsibility, love for your husband and or love for you. If you punish siblings that didn't show their love the way you feel they should have you are focusing on the negative rather than the positive of being appreciative by doing something now and potentially setting up or encouraging possible sibling rivalry. I know that isn't your intention, your intention is positive and gain some of my first questions might make a difference too. But all things equal I would take care of things for each of your children as you see fit while still around to feel good about it and know what helps where (maybe help with tuition or financial help at a time of need, down payment on a car when the need comes up, Just for instance) and then if there is anything left after your gone and expenses are all paid leave it divided evenly the way you and your husband (presumably) set up even if it was prior to his illness. My 2 cents...

You may not like this answer but give to those children who stood by you while you and they are living. Leave the rest to one or more charities.
Not even your children are guaranteed to outlive you. I wish my dad would have done something similar.