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I live with my mom, dad, my grandma (my mother's mom) in Pakistan. My grandma, mum and my aunt have a painful past. Basically, my grandparents had a separation many, many years ago when my mom n her sister were kids. My grandma alone raised the kids and the reasons for separation remain unknown as my grandma has never been very comfortable while talking on this issue. Apparently my aunt hates her for not letting her meet her dad and mybe my mom does too, but the thing is my aunt has refused to keep her in her house so we have to her in our house. She becomes extremely depressed during nighttime and early morning and during this period she Behaves very oddly. She uses bad words for my mom and begins mourning,crying and starts to tremble. My mom remains through out and bares patiently all the emotional torture my grandma gives. At other hours of the day she forgets how she was a couple of mins ago and returns to normal' Things become even more worst when my aunt bursts at my grandma complaining why she separated them from their dad. My grandma including most of her family have a very hot temper and are very proud of themselves. Sometimes, she even tries to escape from the house. Surprisingly, my dad is very supportive and regardless of all troubles she causes, he is very determined to keep her in our house as she no other close siblings and my dad has a very soft heart for elders. But the thing is taht im worried for my grandma's as well as my mum's mental health. As the situation of grandma is constantly getting worst and my mum is now almost separated from the society and all social activities. She has to stay at home 24/7, and is constantly distrubed by my grandma's senseless allegations. I too have suffered, but im more concerned about them. If grandma gets well, everything gets well, but she refuses to takes medicines and my parents are nto very sure about consulting a phsycologist. Pleaseeeee give me a solution, because i cannot live my life like this anymore. I am now myself a depressed person as i feel that my family is living in hell. Please find a solution, as im desparate

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Thankyou so much!. I have discussed the idea of consulting a psychiatrist and he's thinking of giving it a try. I will inform you folks as soon as some advancements are made :)
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Adeena, if you google "sundowning and Alzheimers" that sounds like what your grandma is doing in the evening. If you can show your mom on the internet about dementia and how it works, maybe she will have compassion for her mother. It's very difficult, even for people who understand what is going on, so everyone deserves kindness and compassion. Your grandmother's brain isn't working right, so it's not her fault that she is so unpredictable and says the things she does.

And if you do a search on sundowning on this site, you're sure to find lots and lots of discussions about it and how caregivers try to deal with it. Since you're in Islamabad, see if you can get your grandmother some anti-anxiety medications to help her in the evening, if that's possible.

Your family is lucky to have you trying to understand (in a more educated way) what is going on with your grandmother. As CountryMouse said, let us know how you're doing.
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Well my grandpa died many years ago. And it was when my mom was in college.My grandma's about 75-80, but i'm not so sure. Yes i am in a city, in fact the capitol of Pakistan, Islamabad. So ill have surely plenty of excess to mental health facilities.I'll surely look up to the internet for dementia , but the problem is i feel i'm too young to make a change and secondly i'm unable to assure mom that she does not mean all that as i myself am starting to seriously dislike her. I know i'm very wrong and i feel very guilty for feeling so, but i'm afraid i'm becoming myself a mental patient. But, your comment has given me hope that maybe i can make a change and make it all right again
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How old is your Grandma, Adeena? And do you know, even, if your Grandpa is still alive? It sounds as if there is a big chapter of your family's history that is a tightly closed book. One day you might get to hear the story, or perhaps you never will. But meanwhile here is where you are: living with your parents, with your Grandma as their guest (essentially), and your aunt dropping by to pick fights. You must find it extremely stressful.

Your Grandma is very lucky to have such a kind son-in-law - not all husbands would be so understanding! So that's one good thing. She's also lucky that your mother has such patience with her. So that's another: not such a bad start.

They're all lucky that you are the sort of daughter/granddaughter who takes a positive approach to helping her family. But without knowing how old you are, what sort of access you have to mental health and elders' health services (do you live in a city?), and what your grandmother's health is like in general, it is hard to know what to suggest you might do.

The way you describe your grandmother's behaviour - the outbursts of anger, quickly forgotten all about; her trying to leave the house (perhaps without any realistic idea of where she wants to go?); her getting into a worse state at night time - does make it sound as if she may be suffering from one form of dementia or another. Perhaps one thing you could do is research ageing and dementia on the internet: it might help both you and your parents if you have a better idea of what's going on in her head, and what you can expect to happen next.

If you think it is probably true that your grandmother is suffering from dementia, one thing you can do immediately is reassure your mother that the things Grandma says aren't true, and aren't her fault. Any medicines your grandmother is given must be properly prescribed by a competent doctor, ideally a geriatrician or a psychiatrist who specialises in mental health in older people. I don't know what the health service structure is in your part of Pakistan, but if it's similar to the UK system then the usual route would be: your grandmother registers with a general practitioner, who will then refer her to specialists. If your family can find a doctor whom your grandmother trusts, she may be more willing to listen to medical advice; but do make sure as well that the doctor takes an active interest in working positively with older patients.

The arguments between your aunt and your grandmother are a different matter. These are old, deep wounds that you can't possibly know the causes of (because nobody's telling) - don't be tempted to take sides!

Good luck, I really hope this helps. Let us know how you're getting on.
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