Grandchildren demanding to know info instead of offering help. Any advice?

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My MIL passed away a year ago. At the hospital when she passed my husband was not there as he had just left to come home and care for me as I had surgery the day before she died. Bro in law was there with his adult children and sister and my FIL. While the hospital’s minister was blessing her body my BIL announced that he and his dad needed to go straight to the bank the next day to put all the bank accounts in his name so my husband could not “steal all the money”! My FIL was furious and told him not to speak to him again! My BIL figured he was going to be making all the decisions but found out that per the Family Trust my husband was named the DPOA and Trustee and he was not able to do anything. He was so mad at that he did not speak to his dad or brother the entire time we planned the service for mom and refused to return numerous calls and texts asking for him to be involved. At the service he made a huge show of taking his dad and insisting he sit with his family who all but 2 ignored us and acted like we were the enemy. We have made numerous attempts at trying to get his side of the family to come visit or even call my FIL as his Alzheimer’s is getting worse to no avail.

My husband and I take care of his 86yo Alzheimer Dad with no help from his 2 siblings or any of their adult children. No visits, only 1 grandchild calls and his sister calls when she needs money. We have to sell his house so we found a buyer and I let everyone know it was sold and asked that if anyone has something they want from the house to come down in the month before it closes to get whatever they wish as well as a plea for help with packing and begged them to come see their Grandpa as well. When they don’t call and they have not made one attempt at seeing him he gets confused and we get the backlash from their selfishness!

Instead of offering help or even to come and pick whatever they wanted they are demanding that they want this, they want that and expect us to pack it all up and deliver it to their door. Then they demanded to know where their grandpa was being “placed” and where their grandmothers ashes were buried. Their grandfather lives with us and although I did plead with them to come visit (even offered to put them up in a hotel and drive him anywhere they wanted just so he can see them) because his Alzheimer’s is getting worse they took that to mean he was going to a home! I told them “she is buried at sea (Neptune Society duh) and Grandpa is with us and no plans for a home”). They no longer wish to have a relationship with anyone and have not made any attempt to see him but they think they have a right to demand things and to tell them where he is “placed” even tho they have never visited.

Anyhow just very hurt and upset at the way these people have treated my FIL and have made me and my husband out to be the bad guys! The BIL is jealous and I guess he swept his kids up in his childish jealousy but because of that we get no help except for our kids which is unfair to them when their cousins could come and see him taking a little stress off them as well. We get no respite from caretaking and are work from home people so we are with him 24/7!

Thanks!

Sharon

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Sounds like your FIL and BIL haven't had a good relationship for years since your FIL made your husband the Trustee and POA.
You have been very kind to the "other side" of the family. Unfortunately there are lots of families like yours where someone acts like a child about the inheritance and stuff that belonged to Grandma and Grandpa. You have already told the BIL's grandkids all the information that they have requested so "BLOCK" their calls and "DELETE" their text messages and emails. Concentrate on your family and your FIL.

While packing up the house, if you find something that your in-laws are demanding, just put it safely in a box with their names on the boxes and tell them that if they want the stuff, it is their responsibility to come and get it. And if they don't pick up by a certain date, then the stuff will be donated and that you will no longer discuss the situation after that. That subject will be closed!

Even though you are "work from home people", you can still get someone to come in to look after your FIL while you are "at work" in your home office. Contact Area Agency on Aging and ask about caregivers or Home Health. Treat your situation as if you were working AWAY from home and arrange for caregivers to come in the "Home" section of the house to take care of your FIL while you and your husband are at work in the "Office" section of the house. Make a definite separation between the two sections during specific times of the day. On those days that you do not have someone helping you, whoever is taking care of your FIL stays in the "Home" section and whoever is working stays in the "Office" section. IT WILL NOT BE EASY! And I don't even know if it is doable. But at least, it is worth a try.
God Bless!
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Reply to DeeAnna
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Sorry I hit the button too soon as this is first question I ever asked and when I edited it the time limit expired!

My MIL passed away a year ago. At the hospital when she passed my husband was not there as he had just left to come home and care for me as I had surgery the day before she died. Bro in law was there with his adult children and sister and my FIL. While the hospital’s minister was blessing her body my BIL announced that he and his dad needed to go straight to the bank the next day to put all the bank accounts in his name so my husband could not “steal all the money”! My FIL was furious and told him not to speak to him again! My BIL figured he was going to be making all the decisions but found out that per the Family Trust my husband was named the DPOA and Trustee and he was not able to do anything. He was so mad at that he did not speak to his dad or brother the entire time we planned the service for mom and refused to return numerous calls and texts asking for him to be involved. At the service he made a huge show of taking his dad and insisting he sit with his family who all but 2 ignored us and acted like we were the enemy. We have made numerous attempts at trying to get his side of the family to come visit or even call my FIL as his Alzheimer’s is getting worse to no avail.

My husband and I take care of his 86yo Alzheimer Dad with no help from his 2 siblings or any of their adult children. No visits, only 1 grandchild calls and his sister calls when she needs money. We have to sell his house so we found a buyer and I let everyone know it was sold and asked that if anyone has something they want from the house to come down in the month before it closes to get whatever they wish as well as a plea for help with packing and begged them to come see their Grandpa as well. When they don’t call and they have not made one attempt at seeing him he gets confused and we get the backlash from their selfishness!

Instead of offering help or even to come and pick whatever they wanted they are demanding that they want this, they want that and expect us to pack it all up and deliver it to their door. Then they demanded to know where their grandpa was being “placed” and where their grandmothers ashes were buried. Their grandfather lives with us and although I did plead with them to come visit (even offered to put them up in a hotel and drive him anywhere they wanted just so he can see them) because his Alzheimer’s is getting worse they took that to mean he was going to a home! I told them “she is buried at sea (Neptune Society duh) and Grandpa is with us and no plans for a home”). They no longer wish to have a relationship with anyone and have not made any attempt to see him but they think they have a right to demand things and to tell them where he is “placed” even tho they have never visited.

Anyhow just very hurt and upset at the way these people have treated my FIL and have made me and my husband out to be the bad guys! The BIL is jealous and I guess he swept his kids up in his childish jealousy but because of that we get no help except for our kids which is unfair to them when their cousins could come and see him taking a little stress off them as well. We get no respite from caretaking and are work from home people so we are with him 24/7!

Thanks!

Sharon
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Squiggle
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What kind of information are the grandchildren demanding?

If you provide more details, you'll get better answers.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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