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I take care of my 94 year old mother with dementia. For about a month now, she has this unbelievable obsession with going to the bathroom every five minutes. She wears a diaper, but refuses to do anything in it. So when she has to go to the bathroom, I lift her up from her recliner (dead weight) walk her to the bathroom, which takes forever because she is losing the ability to walk (there is a commode next to her recliner which she refuses to use) get her on the bowl and then lift her off and walk her back to her recliner. Within five minutes she wants to go back to the bathroom. She doesn't always do anything, it's just this obsession. My brother and his wife came to visit and when she needed to go to the bathroom, I helped her up and as I was walking her I said to my brother, "Would you believe that I did this 35 times yesterday." He started to yell at me and called me an idiot for talking about this in front of my mother. He says I am emotionally abusing her because she still can somewhat understand. I called him a few choice words and told him to walk in my shoes and see if he has a meltdown every once in a while. Why does everyone judge or give advice when they don't pitch in to help. It reminds me of the people who don't have children telling the one who does how to raise them. Thank you for the opportunity to vent.

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Myspetunia - for me, it’s just comforting to know I am not a bad person for hating the situation I am in, for yelling, and getting majorly stressed out because I didn’t ask for this responsibility. I retired a year ago to enjoy the rest of my life, but what choice do we really have when nobody else will step up?

I would hate to know what kind of place my mother would be living in if it were left up to anyone else to decide her care.
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This is why I love you all!!!!!! You are the most caring and understanding people. I always feel so much better when I vent to you guys, because you listen. Hugs to all of you and thank you.
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It never stops. I moved to my mom’s city right after her husband died because she was a wreck and didn’t have a clue on what to do. I even moved in with her temporarily to help with getting her house and property in order. This was in 2011 and that’s when my brothers stopped coming around.

One brother calls my mother no less than 3 times every single day and cries to her about his problems. Of course, she feeds into that and treats him like a two-year old. In the mean-time, mom’s mental and physical health keeps declining and I am taking on more and more of her care.

When my mom would go visit my brother (mental health visit for me), he would always call and tell me what I should do for such and such or did I know about this and that physical issue with mom.

Pissed me off because as I was working full time and taking care if my mom’s 1acre property all by myself, not one if my brothers ever offered to help. They both live within 150 miles from our city, but there was always an excuse for not coming to visit. And now there are the excuses about my mom coming to them for visits.

Because of a government program one brother is on, he can’t have visitors for more than a week at a time. So that leaves out any vacation time my retired husband and I had for doing some traveling. The other brother is completely useless.  I have heard for over a year now that my brother was going to move to our city and take on taking care of mom. She has been living with me since December because of health issues and will never live alone again.

My mother has two other children, yet I am the one everything gets dumped on.
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Please don’t read this as jumping on you as that’s the last thing I’d do. I also have mostly useless siblings so I get it. But please don’t get hung up on the sibling, I’ve had to learn (and it took some time) to accept them, and that nothing was going to change them or their crappy attitudes, and that me being angry or bitter about them was only going to affect me. The time is better spent finding more ways to deal with the situation before you. I hope you can figure out a way to have less of those bathroom trips before your back gives out! And learn to ignore that useless bother, oops, I meant brother!
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MYPETUNIA615, I've just read some of your previous posts. You are allowing yourself to be abused by your family. Are they still paying you out of YOUR inheritance? Is your mother still getting up multiple times per night and just catnapping during the day? Weren't you convinced to quit your job to move in with your mother to take care of her? And aren't you doing a lot of lifting -- she can't even get herself into bed? And is your mother still being nasty to you?

Only you can decide when it will end. Your sibs took advantage of you, true, but only you can say enough! and change things. What's going to happen when you injure yourself lifting your mother?
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The older generation believed their doctor KNEW ALL. I would recommend having the doctor come and talk to her face to face and tell her she must use the commode. Too simple? Try it and see if it works
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Dear Mypetunia,

I'm so sorry. I know its really hard. I totally agree with you. I had it too with my siblings. Please know we are all here with you. Sending you extra hugs.
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Mypetunia, isn't this always the case. the siblings that do not participate in caregiving, always have "something" to say.
Hang in their be a duck let it roll off your back, you have enough of a load than to worry about them.
Praying for you. may God bless!
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I absolutely agree with you.Until someone can actually become you for awhile,they simply are clueless to the intense stress levels and frustration we who care give go through 24 hrs a day,all day,and everyday.This includes trying to get a decent nights sleep.Virtually impossible when you're so worried the panic button will go off at any time.happened to me after i had just carefully applied hair bleach to my hair,..it's quite an ordeal to say the least.Finally got it all applied with a hand mirror,a comb and hair pick.All ready to set that timer... BAM... Medic Alert calls me... I thought,..that that was the last straw pretty much.Mom recently passed away,..and it is very upsetting,however,she was like a skeleton near the end.I feel she is in a happier place now.I sincerely relate to all you kind hearted and caring individuals,who sacrifice your own lives,to save another.Care taking literally kills you.Just my opinion.
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((((((((Hugs))))))
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I understand what you mean. Sometimes, some siblings are quick to criticize and slow to do anything helpful. I have one who criticizes every move but hasn't paid a penny for care or done anything useful to help. In the end, I stopped talking to them or contacting them. My concern is my parent's well being and I don't need added stress!
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Many of us have experienced the same things! I know it doesn't help the relationship with your sibs, but has your Mom had a chance to have physical therapy? It might help with her mobility and they should be able to guide you on the easiest way to help her get up from the chair.
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