Mom's only been home 9 days since a 7 week stay in rehab for a broken hip and wrist (also a dialysis patient - 3 times a week). I have chosen for myself that she NOT live in my home, she suffers from depression and perfectionism. She's hired a private home health aid and after only a short amount of time, she's determined the aide to be uncaring, unfeeling and not doing her job. I'm not really sure what she expects from the person, but she seems to be doing her level best to attend to her basic needs - helping with dressing, showering, driving her to doctor and dialysis appointments, light housekeeping and some very basic meals. Mom's decided she's no good and has got to go, she's hiring a new agency today, I told her do what you have to do, there is nothing wrong with her mind. I feel like she's out to "show" me that "see, now that I can't live with you, nothing will be okay". She's told me, well "I'll just stop dialysis, what do you think about that?" I've told her she's capable of making her own decisions. I'm trying my best to keep my own sanity and stress levels to a manageable level. My brother's never been much help, but to his credit, he's been trying, but that's not good enough either. I'm the "daughter" and she thinks I should just take care of everything. Wow, all I can think right now is it's good to vent and get everything out. This site has been heaven sent to me and I'm sure many others also.

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You said yourself that your mother is a 'perfectionist' so you're doomed no matter what you do. I don't know how much of that perfectionist attitude is pride, but I suspect most of it. False pride is a terrible thing, and wreaks havoc on those in it's path. You're gonna kill yourself off trying to live up to her prideful ultra high expectations, so forget it. I wouldn't take the bait myself when she threatens to stop the dialysis. Unless she has a death wish, she's unlikely to stop going, so don't go there with her. And unless YOU are the one hiring these people on your own dime, she has control of that too and will hire and fire anyone she wants I guess. Rally around your brother, you two can be shell shocked together.
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