My dad is 80 years old, very independent, and has middle stage Alzheimer's. He doesn't want any help from anyone except me, and I've got to find a way to get additional help in. Right now, it's just frustrating and inconvenient (I'm trying to run my own consulting business from home so that I will have an income)... But he's getting to the point when he'll need help with ADLs, and I want to be his daughter, not his nurse.

I've brought in several caregivers, just to have them around and let him get used to having someone around. He invariably gets grumpy at having someone else in the house, and the one time I goofed up and said they were here in case he wanted any help, he blew up at the concept of needing help. (I certainly can't say I want us both to get used to having someone around before he needs help dressing and going to the bathroom... That would be horrible.)

He wants to go walking in our neighborhood (which is mixed residential and commercial, near a college) but I worry because he's not steady and because he can't tell me where he is, plus I think he's having more trouble identifying which house is home. I'd like him to walk with the caregiver, but he has no interest and just retreats to his room in a huff. He won't engage with a caregiver unless I'm around, in which case he's charming.

I want to give my dad great care, and I want to respect his introvert/loner nature. But I can't do it all, and I can't even figure out how to open the conversation in a way he might accept having someone else in the house.

So... How can I get him to accept bringing in a companion as a predecessor to getting skilled care he'll need down the road? Or do I just wait, hope I can manage everything until then, and trust that he will accept what he absolutely has to when the time comes?

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If you are using an agency, they should have caregivers who are trained to work with Alzheimer's. Request one. And you need to understand that a caregiver may have to call off work someday due to unforeseen reasons, so having your dad comfortable with two or three would be very safe. Just in case the agency needs to send a sub.

You can always start with a couple of hours of care a day, and gradually build up. And these caregivers are trained in ADL's, so they can help you out very much. I would ask very pointed questions about Alzheimer's and ADL's. But honestly, a good agency will be asking YOU all of these questions!

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I agree with Kazzaa - it may be time to consider an Alzheimer's unit while he's still able to adjust. My mom didn't want anyone in her place but me, but when she missed her meds three days in a row (despite telling me she was taking them), I basically put my foot down and said we're getting people in here to help you with your meds whether you want it or not. Once they started, she was fine with them, but they're not with her for any length of time. But my mom understood I was at my limit and she's reliant on me and me alone for help. So I got to call that shot.

If you're the only one caring for your dad, it's kind of your way or the highway if he has any understanding that he needs help from anyone. So he's dependent on you. You want to be the daughter not the nurse and you have your life to live. So if your dad is able to understand any of that, he might be willing to "help you out" to have your own life.

If he doesn't understand any of that, all the more reason to get him into a place where he's taken care of and you don't have to live on pins and needles all of the time wondering what he's doing (or not doing). Hugs to you, because none of this is easy for either of you.
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Hi i think that he may need assisted living now. My mum will not even take to the carers here she wont let them wash her so they are being paid to come in and do nothing except chat?

I know its hard but it sounds like he cannot live alone anymore and if he wont accept homehelp it may be time to thioughto think about a secure facility. Its a very tough time!
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