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Greetings
I have observed on numerous occasions that folk come to the forum looking for advice because the situation they are experiencing is new to them or they have to vent because they can no longer deal with it and some forum members lay the FOG on very thick. It is my belief that if a person is stugggling with decisions already it is not wise to tell them things such as :


(1) Fear & Guilt
How will you feel after your LO death, will you regret your decisions?


(2) Obligation
They are responsible for caring for their parent(s) because they took care of them as children (This is a decision that their parent(s) made, to conceive and birth a child).


Everyone is not cut out for hands on caregiving, they have small children at home or can not quit their job to care for a LO and expect to survive unless they are financially secure. If you quit your job life does not stop and wait for your return.
My story is that I did quit my job to care for my mother, thanks to a very supportive husband that was able to provide health insurance for me. However, my retirement benefits are no longer of existence (other than my 401K) and I am trying to save so I don't become a burden to our child. My mother is currently in a memory care facility and I would probably care for her again but just know that I have changed mentally and physically after caring for her in our home for 4 years.


In closing I would like to say to all of the caregivers that are struggling with your decision to place or not to place your LO.
Search your heart, make a decision and stick with it. If you make a decision you can change your mind and go in another direction at a later time if you choose to.


I would also like to know some of the things that you have been told by others that made your decision harder and what your final decision was.

I must have missed the posts supporting FOG. I've never subscribed to it and repeatedly stress just the opposite. Perhaps, I dismiss them when I realize that it doesn't pertain to me.

I should add that people vary in their feelings on caregiving and no one person's feelings are any better than another's. We all have the right to say how we feel and to disagree. I suspect that the reason FOG might be a cry for help or attention. Some people need direct validation that there're doing a good job, working hard, sacrificing, etc. And, it might be way to call attention to that. We all want others to see us in a good light and maybe, that's why they thrive on FOG.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Amen! I asked a similar question myself back in December & got a lot of great replies:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm?orderby=recent�

The last thing anybody needs is a lecture from someone else, or to be told 'oh they're your parents and took care of YOU and changed YOUR diapers, now it's YOUR turn' and all that nonsense.

Care giving is not a 'one size fits all' scenario, and should never be treated that way. Love, empathy and compassion is what we all deserve to be treated with.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I thought you meant we have members that try to make others feel guilty they aren't doing the caregiving.

Yes, there are those that feel they are obligated. No matter what. I never felt that way maybe because my parents never expressed that they expected their children to care for them. My Dad actually felt he was going to die early because of his heart. (His brother died at 53) Dad lived till he was 79. My Mom was always the care taker. Her 4 children, helped when asked with Dads Mom, (who had ALZ and eventually had to be placed in LTC), took care of Dad and eventually took in my disabled nephew. She never brought up the question about her future care. I guess she thought I'd take care of that. She passed at 89 with Dementia.

Me, I don't expect my girls to care for me. I do expect them to be there for me. Not to forget me. Hopefully, our investments will continue to make money, not doing too well now. I realize that as I age, I will need to make adjustments.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Thank you for your post. FOG is very real and a constant on this forum. There are a lot of people who’ve convinced themselves that they alone can do all the caregiving, either because of money, because of the misguided belief that all facilities are bad, or a family member who won’t accept anyone else. All those are based in FOG.
My mother was in a nursing home because there truly was no other care that could handle her level of needs. And it’s a mistake for anyone to believe that it was taking the easy way to do that, our family wrestled with that decision daily. Even when you know what’s best and do that, it’s not easy
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Not sure why, but seems your post got lost.

1. FOG
2. Obligation

I have seen very rarely a member saying feel guilty if you don't care for a parent and they cared for you now its your turn to care for them. I "have" seen "a lot" of contradictions. Saying that caring for a parent is not always an option. Sometimes its Seniors caring for Seniors. The child has its own health problems or even a job. Or, just can't be a 24/7 Caregiver. Also the relationship before Caregiving was abusive in some way.

For those people who feel we should be "obligated" thats just an opinion. I personality felt finding my Mom a nice place to live and be cared for was what I needed to do. Make sure she was clean, fed, warm and cared for.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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