This is going to be very long so I apologize in advance.
I am 28 years old with a 5 year old daughter. When my mom (61) moved in with me 3 years ago, I was a single mother. She got very sick from kidney disease and was on dialysis and hospitalized off and on for months. Once getting off of dialysis, she was very weak and couldn't even manage to do simple things like sit up in bed. She originally moved in with her older sister because I had said no due to my financial situation.
My mom ended up burning the bridge with her sister. My mom has a habit of lying and/or exaggerating things that happen to make herself either look better or get pity and look like a victim. She moved in with me after I felt bad about what she was going through with her sister. She also had a preexisting issue with her knee that she injured while working out years ago; although she REFUSES to tell the doctors about it and says it happened while on dialysis because she was weak. She still can't walk without a walker and can't go up and down stairs without help.
A few months after she moved in she insisted we get a bigger place because she didn't like my 1 bedroom apartment. She ended up guilting me into renting a 3 bedroom. I had to pick up overtime at work to make it by. I struggled soooooo much while we rented that place. On top of it, she put 'rules'. Said no one was over after she was in bed, no boys allowed period, and just a bunch of stuff that she had no right to do since I was paying for everything. If I confronted her about it she would start crying and say that I was being mean and disrespectful and didn't care about her feelings.
When the lease for that place was up, I told her she needed to find somewhere else to move because it was not working out for me. I'm an adult and I deserve to be able to live how I see fit in my own house. That I would be getting a 1 bedroom again for myself and my daughter and she needed to find a room to rent or someone to take her in. She can't afford much since she's on fixed income from SS and disability. She ended up not able to find anything and begged me to be able to live with me and that she would let me make the rules and also watch my daughter in exchange so I don't have to pay for daycare.
I ended up getting a 2 bedroom, which is where we still are renting. My mom and daughter share the master bedroom and I have the second bedroom. I got married earlier this year and my mom has put a HUGE strain on my marriage. We are constantly having to work around her for everything, for example cooking. My mom has gotten much better health wise and the only thing she can't do at the moment is prep food. She has a caregiver come in twice a week and take her grocery shopping and chop her veggies and meat. She is constantly in the kitchen, and it's too small for anyone else to be in there when she is with her walker. Countless times I've given my family dinner hours later because she was taking it all up.
Her stuff is EVERYWHERE. There are 2 piles of her stuff in the livingroom, she has 2 out of 3 shelves in the fridge just for her, 3 out of 4 cupboards for food. And any time I move her stuff or talk to her about it she cries. Acts like I'm being mean to her when really I just need room so I can shop for my family of 3 in my own apartment.
The last straw is how she treats my daughter. She was always horribly mean to me growing up, and she's starting it with my daughter. She yells at her for EVERYTHING. Clean the room faster, turn your head the other way, stop bouncing your knee. And she insults her. Calls her useless, annoying, etc. I always intervene, but I do not want her watching her alone anymore. A few months ago she spanked her for no reason. We are a non spanking family. We don't hit, we don't spank. And she NEVER spanked me as a child so I was flabbergasted.
How do I ask her to move out? She technically has nowhere to go and is unlikely to find a cheap place. The state won't help till she's 65.
Give your mother a date when she has to move out by. She'll get that you mean business as soon as you relegate her to sleep on the sofa, to having 1 shelf in the fridge and to no longer being in charge of ANYTHING in your household ever again. And the next time she raises her voice or especially her HAND to your child, you will drive her to the nearest women's shelter and she can stay there. Period. That is not open for discussion.......and make sure your daughter HEARS you tell that to your mother, so SHE knows that you are sticking up for her. She needs that. My mother takes every opportunity she can to throw me under the bus and I hate that. As a result, I've taken every opportunity as a mother to stand up for my children, and would move heaven and earth to do so.
That's not to say you aren't........just that it's necessary and sometimes hard with a domineering personality who's taken charge, like your mother has. It's not okay, any of it, and it's time SHE know that!
Enough is enough. You have done enough and so has your husband. The three of you now deserve to live your own lives free and clear of your mother and her nonsense.
It's high time your mother figure out her OWN life now and get the heck out of YOURS.
Best of luck taking your life back!
But this woman got free housing, transportation, MOW, food stamps...good grief, I don't think paid for anything in her life!
I wouldn't give her another chance, frankly. 3 adults and one child in a 2 bedroom apt? I bet your daughter just LOVES rooming in with grandma. Esp since they don't seem to have 'good' relationship. She SPANKED your child?? Ok, that's abusive.
I'd help her find a place and even help her set it up, but I have news for you: 61 is NOT old. I am 63 and don't even think 80 is old. We're as old as we act.
You keep her and your child together much longer and your daughter will NEVER forgive you.
First thing..you and your husband are going to switch bedrooms with mom and your daughter.
I would tell her she needs to start looking NOW and her move out date would be in 30 days or fewer.
June first daughter gets her own room, if grandma is still there she can sleep on the couch.
Start bringing home boxes and box up all the stuff that is left lying around.
The cost of "grandma day care" is a bit high if you ask me.
And I bet as soon as she is sleeping on the couch she will find a friend that she can move in with.
Check out the local Senior Center there may be another that is looking for a room mate. And there are sites that will match people with room mates.
I would tell her now she is doing better, she needs to find a place of her own. Now ur married, you need the master bedroom and your daughter needs a room of her own. Your husband and you need privacy.
She is going to object. You can say nothing if you want, or you can say that you are getting ready for when she moves out. She cries – you ignore it. Do you have a living room? Put a chair in the bedroom she uses, and ask her to leave the living room if your daughter is there.
You haven’t mentioned money. What income does she have? Is she entitled to anything that she is not claiming? Fix a rent that would leave her enough over equivalent to what she would have when she is paying for her own accommodation, and explain that it will give her a better idea of what accommodation to look for.
She should get the picture that you want her out, and you mean it. After that happens, you can have the discussion about where she is going to go. Make it four way – her on one side, your daughter and your new husband on the other. Rules are that crying shouting etc is ignored. Give her some options about who to call to help her find alternative accommodation. Then make her take responsibility for herself. The alternative is that you will take her to a shelter.
See how you go with that. And you, your husband and your daughter are your true first obligations, not your selfish 61 year old mother. Any guilt is about what they are going through, not your mother.
Who picks on a child and who allows anyone to do these things to their child without consequences? Not you. She needs to go and tough luck where she ends up. Take her to a women's shelter.
Her actions have cost her any compassion or consideration.
Get your daughter out of that room and don't let her near your mom.