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Mom died 2 years ago, a year and a half ago I had dad move in. It was my idea but not my plan. We had just come off a couple years of caring for my dying SIL and moving my BIL into a home after his stroke (long distance). I promised mom I'd look after dad and it was always the underlying message they would eventuality move in with us when the time came. It arrived much sooner than we anticipated. My house is set up well enough that he has his own living room, bedroom and shared hall bath (when the kids come home). I took the reins of dad as my siblings wanted nothing to do with it. We get along OK except for his way or may way gets to be a pain after a while. So while it was my idea (didn't want to drive 7 hours each way every 2 weeks when my sibling is in the same town). Fast forward to 2 years later and I have such overwhelming guilt. My wife and I have the mantra that "your failure to plan does not constitute my emergency", but it seemed to fly right out the window. All he has is SSI to cover his bills but that is it. No savings or other assets so all is on me. I cant leave the house for extended periods of time (like a weekend away with my wife) without having someone watch his and my dog (he is capable just not willing). I'm afraid he would leave the house open, all the lights on and dishes everywhere. We get along OK but I tire of his me myself and I talk. I have tried to get him into places to get social (church, worked a little of lodge) but he makes excuses. He goes out for lunch a lot and doesn't think I know (I advised him to save his money and eat at home like I do (I Work at home). I cant have him do projects unless I set it up and do most of the work (he is a carpenter by trade and has all his tools here). Not sure why i feel so guilty, I set him up to be cared for and no worries and he gladly accepted it. So why do I have all the guilt? Is it not guilt is it something else? Anyone else feel this way?

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Thanks, going through a lot right now. Turns out I have ADD (my wife told me years ago but I ignored it, she is a special needs teacher) which I am just figuring out after a lifetime of issues so I am dealing with that (researching my own issues). Pile that on.
I did reach out to the church so he can get involved in another project committee which he can do, that will keep him busy and he can do it in an advisory role which he is good at (telling people what to do). Not too sure I need therapy but just need to realize he is a big baby that needs to be directed. I just need to relax a little................ at least try.
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I have said this here before, let me say it again. I started seeing a therapist and could only wonder why I hadn't done it ten years earlier. I would have felt better and made more courageous decisions.

You are relatively young, still working, do it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it doesn't help, then at least you tried it. But for me, it made all the difference. An experienced therapist can help you sort out this guilt stuff.

And with insurance it costs me $15 per visit. Well worth it.
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TG, you keep trying to engage him, get him involved in projects, plan social activities etc. I think that is part of your problem, you seem to think if you do more he will do better, that you can "fix" his behaviour. It ain't gonna happen, there's a reason your mom wanted you to look after him, she knew he is a big baby and will probably never be the person you hope him to be. What you have is a basic personality conflict, his lack of gratitude, passivity and slovenliness grate on your nerves. A man that can drive hours to visit family and go on extended hunting trips doesn't really need a minder, he seems perfectly capable if he chooses to be.
You can't change him, you can only change your reaction to him. Perhaps some counselling?
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I am trying to be better about this. I appreciate him being here and I have to change my perspective if I want my kids to treat me well if and when the time comes. They see it, they get it. I try to engage him in conversation but it is always one sided. I'll keep trying.........
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Tgen, this brings up a question that many have probably had, me included. If we feel anger, resentment and frustration when they live with us. What feelngs would be the same or be replaced if we moved them to an appropriate senior living situation?

I think guilt would be a big one. There are many negative feelings associated, but what about the positive ones? We are taught, I think, to look at and consider all of the negatives which is overwhelming. And in my case it wouldn't matter how many positives I could come up with that would not be sufficient to outweigh the negative.
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Thanks, I guess it is " resentment, anger, frustration, or exasperation". I love my dad dearly and I am glad I can care for him it is just the little things that I try to ignore but they creep in. I am sure it would be the same if it were mom with my wife. It would be different if I was out all day at an office or on the road. I know it is more hard on him than me but the little things get me. We weren't easy to live with when I was a kid. I respect him but he love to have people do for him. Trust me I am no picnic to live with. I am difficult too which makes it hard. He has been good about the transition, it could be much worse. I am trying to let the little things go but it is hard. I guess it is burn out, I look after my 95 year old neighbor once in a while (lawn snow plowing repairs, pick him up when he falls) I guess it is the caretaker in me. Guess I just need a vacation. As far as living else where, that is a no go, he wont care for himself, I saw that when he was at home on his own, meds, cleaning, the dog, bills etc. He needs to be here. maybe I can get him to go to my sisters for the holidays! He is planning a week long hunting trip that I normally go on but I need a break too this year plus I don't have the money since I have the house to pay for. Looking forward to that week in 2 months.
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I don't understand guilt either. Why would you feel guilt? Perhaps it's resentment, anger, frustration, or exasperation. When you do a good thing by helping someone, I would think it would bring you peace.

Since you aren't happy with your dad living with you, then I would try to find a place that he may qualify for such as low income housing for the elderly. Maybe some distance would do you some good.

If can't do projects that you request, is there a reason? It age related decline or some dementia?

Many adult kids would do anything to get their senior parent to go out for lunch, but if your dad can't afford it, maybe he needs a budget. Does he pay rent to say in your house or share food and utility bills. Maybe if he carried that responsibility, you wouldn't feel so resentful.

Maybe, he didn't plan for his future, but that is water under the bridge. Maybe he lived paycheck to paycheck and didn't have $20.00 extra to put aside for retirement. Maybe he was a poor planner. I don't see that as moral issue. He may still be a good person. There are plenty of seniors who have retirement accounts who are miserable. Money doesn't equate to happiness.

Maybe you have been a caretaker for so long that you just need a break. You say you were a caretaker for your SIL and still are for a BIL who lives out of state. That would wear anyone out. Try to figure a way to get some time away from the responsibilities and see if it makes a difference. You need time for yourself.
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and regret. I regretted moving my mother in the very first week. It was the wrong thing to do.
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Its probably remorse, not guilt. Who wants to admit to themselves they resent their parent ? Your situation could be mine except its my mother. She came to live with us after my step dad died. mostly because they made bad choices their whole life and she had no income except social security. she is now on a waiting list for low income senior apartments back where she belongs . Like you said. Its not your fault he didn't plan for his own future. My journey is getting ready to come to an end because she is now number 7 on that list and I could not be happier. You should do the same. It will be better for EVERYBODY including him.
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