In a family who has left me out of the loop for years, now what is my responsibility?

Gladimhere, Mom at this moment is still in control of her money and takes care of her business. It is a very strange and ugly situation based on much narcissism and hatefulness. I want to come out of this with my head high and feel good about what I do and don't do. But I have a lot of anger and know if they abuse me, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Thank you all for the comments. I need them today.

"doesn't want to not help my brother but I feel abused". You have been and will continue to be abused. I agree with the others, don't answer the phone, block his number, whatever you need to do. If mom needs help and since he can and is wanted to do it all, let him. He should find a facility appropriate for your mom. Is he trying to tell you you have to do this because of the cost of care? If you take care of her will there be more money for him when mom passes? Is he withholding your mom's money that she needs for care to benefit himself in the long run? Does he think that splitting care duties and POA duties is a fair split of responsibility? If so, he will find another opportunity to abuse you and it is far from an even split of responsibility. Withholding moms money that she needs for care is financial exploitation and a crime. You may want to have Adult Protective Services check in on mom. You should not go to help mom. Just ask brother where he decides to place her so you can visit when you are ready and decide you want to. Just make sure to document, document, document; communicate with brother via email is best, but if it is phone calls, you can document what was said with day, time, length of call etc. Do not go there! If you did you would open yourself up to abuse by mom and brother on a daily basis.

Palm, And I thought my family was nuts. I agree with the others. Just b/c they say you have to take care of mom is no sign that you do. If they call and say you have to go stay with monster mom you don't have to. Just say no, don't pick up the phone when it is them calling, change your number, block their numbers, whatever. Boundaries, boundaries!! Your first priority is you. I had to learn that the hard way and so passing on the knowledge to you. Be a little selfish. You sound like a decent person. I wish you were my sib. I could give my sib over to your bad sib etc.

"I guess I want to do the right thing but they don't deserve it."

Very well put.

Because you are a decent person with a sense of family loyalty, you probably won't manage not to feel a little guilty at times. Probably the only thing to do about that is expect it, then ride it out when it comes along.

But seeing as you are danged if you do and danged if you don't with these people, don't. It doesn't sound like your mother will welcome your help anyway. So, don't pick every time your brother calls. Pick up, say, 1 out of 3 calls. Take your time returning his messages. Maybe at the very end you make a couple of deathbed visits (but just ONE if there is any verbal or other abuse), and that's that. Protect yourself.

Thanks for the comments. I have pretty much distanced myself from my family. However I know at some point soon, I will get that phone call that I need to come up and stay with/take care/be there for mom. My brother works for at least 7 more years before he is retired and my SIL is a workaholic. There is one nephew, a nice young man, but very dependent on my brother and SIL. No one has time for mom and she has for some strange reason got a chip on her shoulder at me. Everyone who knows her just thinks she is very strange and she has no relationships with any of her brothers and sisters that are not one way. Her way.

I am OK with all of that but I just don't want to lose my temper with my brother when he starts his dictating what is what. He was always the golden child and never left the small town pond. He also sees himself as a "Good Christen". You know the type? Judgmental and hates everyone who is not like him. Yes, he is very much like my mother, sad to say.

I just need some skills as to how not let these guys make me ever feel guilty. I am sure someone out there has had a situation where they have been treated badly and then used by family. I seem to read a lot of that on this site.

What Assy (sorry!hee hee) said.

Personally, I'd tell your brother to piss off the next time he TELLS you you HAVE to take care of your mother and that you'll do it the next time there's a blizzard in hell...and I'd change my phone number while I was at it. The end and good riddance to both of them.

I would put myself first and keep my distance from them.. There is no way I would let her live with me!!!! As your brother likes to tell you he's in charge, so let him continue...