So I asked my mom to move in with me 6 years ago because she is blind in one eye and the neighbors were tired of going over and doing things for her. She expected them to do it, or at least she said they would just do what she asked. I finally got her to sell the house to a relative and move in with me.

Now, she has Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia mixed. We always fought growing up because everything had to be her way or the highway. I knew asking her to move in would be a challenge , but never this bad. I did this because I lived two hours away from her and drove in ALL the time to see if she was ok, doctors, etc... She’s been here through my sons high school years, and now the first two years of college. It’s very hard on all of us. I still argue because the comments she makes are ten times worse then they used to be. I know it’s because of the ALZ but it’s so darn hard to hear ALL DAY LONG. I quit my job because she can’t be alone anymore , but I have MS and I’m afraid it’s going to get worse because if all of this. I am looking into an Assisted Living facility for her but am feeling guilty as hell because she keeps telling me she will kill herself if I put her in a home!! My husband is a gem to put up with all of this and tells me I’ll know when it’s time, but it is I just don’t know how to do it without stressing myself out more!!! Any suggestions, ideas....

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I think your husband is right. You will know and you are there.
Let me make a suggestion. You aren’t putting your mom anywhere.
Her health condition and yours is dictating what steps must be taken for both your sakes. You didn’t give her Alz but more than likely having her in your home all these years has certainly not helped your MS.
Make sure that the AL you are looking at has a pathway to MC because AL might not be enough care. She has had one on one for all these years. She’s possibly more needy than even you realize.
Have you had her assessed for the correct level of placement? You don’t want to have to move her twice if possible. She may have already had her Al years while living with you.
I know it’s hard to do this but really what choice do you have? Your husband can’t take care of both of you.
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Reply to 97yroldmom

If she has the resources, put her in yesterday. You have the gems in your crown for all these years. She will not kill herself, but she will enjoy using that line to guilt you. IF she had been pleasant, you wouldn't even think about it. If she weighed 300 lbs, you could not physically do it, you would have to put her in a home. She is vindictive and difficult, worse because of her disease. How is that any different? It sounds like your good years are limited. Enjoy them. When she meets you in heaven, her love will be perfected. She will be glad you protected your health and sanity.
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Reply to sassy85

I think this is, mostly, true, because there are ups and downs, but the general trend for this stuff is that it only goes one way. What I mean by that is every day gets harder, for them and for you. This means it’s almost inevitable that you hit a point that you didn’t think you’d hit.

A fitness guy I read has a theory he calls the shaving can of motivation. What he means by that is if you use up the shaving cream in the morning you won’t have any left for working out when you get home.

This is the same thing, eventually you use up the shaving can, and just as certainly, you need to use more and more of it everyday, and then it runs out.

There are better people than me to offer advice, I’m just pointing out that you do the best you can until the can runs out, and it will run out someday.

That’s not on you and you didn’t fail, which is what you need to remember.
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Reply to dontgetthechees

My cousin had MS and stress would put her back in the hospital. You need to care for yourself at this point. Hope you have a POA in place. It makes things a lot easier.

ALs are not equipped for people with later stages of ALZ and Dementia unless they have a memory care unit. If Mom has money, then you need to look at cost. In my area the cost of an AL is approx. 5k for an AL or 10k for LTC. ALs will not allow the use of Medicaid unless you have paid privately for at least 2 yrs. For LTC better to pay privately then go into Medicaid. You may want to find out what the criteria is for Medicaid just so your aware. Moms house being sold is outside of the five year look back.

Look around at ALs and LTC facilities. I found a nice LTC that I had wished I put Mom in instead of the AL. Is the place clean. Are the residents clean and seem happy. Staff friendly. Eat a meal there. Are there activities through out the afternoon. Mornings are usually hectic. Getting residents up, dressed and to breakfast. Med passes, showers and then lunch.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I took care of my mom for 7 years. Yes, I too got the "I'd rather shoot myself" when I suggested assisted living for my her. She's there now, by the way, and doing fine. It would be a little difficult for her to have shot herself or taken meds or anything to actually kill herself, since the house was cleared of all possible suicide weapons after my dad killed himself, but since she threatened it, you do have to listen. You can do the research yourself to find a place for her that suits her needs. I suggest you not tell her what's up until it's time to go. That way you will not have to listen to the negative comments. Have help available to move her into her new home. If possible have it ready with some of her things. She will most likely adjust quickly and be nicer to you when she is taken care of by others. It's time.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter

Sometimes if we’ve cared for someone for a long time we forget that dementia CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Consider- have you EVER known someone who said they’d LOVE to go into residential care? Would you say that? I actually might, but I’m a little strange.....

Have you discussed her situation with her medical caregiver? Does that person say she needs full time care, or residential care?

If so, you should be feeling absolutely NO guilt of any kind. If she’s making the choice of killing herself or killing you, she needs to be stopped in BOTH of those attempts!

All of us DO feel as you are feeling at least once in a while. You will feel better after you’ve gotten some support for your decision making, found a pleasant setting for her within your area, and determined how to fund what you’ve decided.

If you’re still able to get her POA, do it without delay. A POA is also one of the tools you need to help manage her care.

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Reply to AnnReid
BumpyOne Mar 28, 2019
Lol, I must be a little strange as well. Daily I think how nice it would be to have all of my needs met, not have to cook an clean. A vacation of sorts.

What you're feeling is normal. I'm sure there are situations in which an elderly parent moves in with their adult child and all is lovely and wonderful but I don't think that's typical. What you're going through happens more often than not. I went through it too as has most people on this forum. It's so typical that there is an entire forum dedicated to caring for elderly parents. There are books out there on how to deal with it, classes, support groups. You're not alone.

Your mom is emotionally blackmailing you by threatening suicide if you move her into an assisted living facility. She's forcing you to do something (keep her at home) that you don't want to and something that is making you miserable. I suggest that you continue to look for an assisted living for your mom and when you find one you like, facilitate your mom's move. If you think that she'll really attempt suicide alert the facility prior to her moving in. Ensure that she doesn't have access to medication. Take the tie from her robe. Remove all knives. Take all the precautions. Don't sacrifice yourself for your mom who doesn't seem to give a damn about your well-being.

Stress can exacerbate health problems like MS. It can also lead to other problems. Take care of your health and your emotional well-being which are things you can't do well when your mom is living with you.
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Reply to Eyerishlass

Assisted living isn’t going to be enough for her now. She need to be in a memory care facility. Yes, this is going to get worse.

talk to her doctor. You need to get the diagnosis in writing. Then, seek the help of the local social services to find a placement for her.

If if she can afford the first year or so to pay herself the choices will be much better.

begin this process today. It is going to be hard, but with the help of local agencies you should have guidance through this.

6 years is pretty impressive. But, it is time to make a new plan.
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Reply to Katiekate

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