Does anyone else have "afterthoughts" about having placed a loved one who is now deceased in a nursing home?

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Does anyone else have "afterthoughts" about having placed a loved one who is now deceased in a nursing home?

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Many of you are probably aware of my story... My Mom lived with me for about 20 years, was my best friend - partner in life - and of course, Mom. When she fell and broke her right hip and right wrist, both of our lives descended into a Hell that took 2 1/2 years to end... Mom was horrifically and negligently damaged by the first "skilled nursing/rehab" facility she went to (I put her in?) following successful ortho surgery on hip & wrist... I then found another facility which was compassionate, competent, and caring, but Mom was so damaged by then she couldn't really appreciate the improvements in her environment, and couldn't even take advantage of physical therapy, etc. After a year, she had major surgery (total bypass below her right leg to restore circulation in her damaged foot when she refused to allow amputation). Ten days in ICU, followed by another surgery and 10 more days in a unit just a step down from ICU, and then another week in the hospital when she got hospital-acquired MRSA. A month in a grim and neglectful facility - only because they were able to provide daily infusions of strong antibiotics for the MRSA - and finally an "intermediate nursing home" for the last 1 year of her life...

I saw her almost every day, took her to every doctors appt, or at first followed ambulances or medical transport vans, badgered insurance into outside therapy and took her there 2x/week. I was her only help, her fierce advocate, and it broke my heart when she begged me "Be careful, dear - if something happens to you, I'm toast!" My one sibling, my brother, was killed 10 years ago in a motorcycle accident, I am single and have no children. I was almost as overwhelmed by the paperwork (managing all her medical records and all her bills, spending her savings because she didn't have Medicare Part B, etc.) and learning to deal with gov't bureaucracy when her money was gone and she ended up on Medicaid.

I just couldn't bring her home. She was now blind from macular degeneration, her mental state had gradually degraded, she needed physical help to get up, dressed, bathed, toileted, etc. She was depressed and realistically resigned to her "fate", but begged me constantly to bring her home. We both mourned the fact that "this was to be her life" in a facility. I had to be constantly vigilant, and demand corrective measures from the nursing home... dress her in her own clothes, and please don't lose them, damage/bleach them, etc. Don't put someone else's tight socks on her legs (I'd bought her soft, non-binding socks at "$15/pair) because anything tight could ruin her bypass and she would be "done". She wasn't incontinent, but couldn't "wait forever", so please answer her call button in a reasonable time, don't have a roommate in her tiny shared room who browbeat her and hit her with a wooden back scratcher... On and on...

Now that she's gone, I have to keep reminding myself that I just couldn't prevent all this and bring her home! Maybe I could have? I didn't have a life for myself, anyway... My life probably wouldn't have been any more restricted with her at home than it was effectively living wherever she was, or dealing with issues I didn't always know how to, or resented having to... I feel guilty because it just wasn't reality to "place her in a nursing home where professionals would take care of her and protect her"... I consider that the equivalent of a wishful a fairy tale...

She's now been gone a little over a year. She died when a CNA in the nursing home let her slip and fall when transferring her from a wheelchair to a shower chair. She broke both bones below her left knee - tibia and fibula - and died 10 days later, after a week in excruciating pain, until at last the hospitalist agreed hospice was appropriate and she was mercifully knocked out with narcotic pain IV's until she died. I know that I really couldn't handle her alone. I know rationally it wasn't possible - but my heart just won't quit hurting.

Care Decisions Guilt Skilled Nursing Facility

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You are still grieving, that’s normal.
Find a bereavement support group, it will definitely help. You can check alz.org for support in your area.

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Your post brought tears to my eyes, I hear everything your heart is saying. You did everything you possibly could to take care of your mom! Sometimes, this is what death leaves us with. The pain leaves us questioning so many things & making us doubt that we were doing our absolute best. With me, I think part of it may be my emotions trying to re-work things so my lost loved one could still be alive, which certainly isn’t true or even possible. It can take a lot of mental effort to work through a loss, and in the process, your heart, emotions, and reality can really battle each other.
Sending you a big hug!!!

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Thanks so much for your response... I can tell you really do understand. It seems about the time I think I'm "stable" with her loss, something happens and the wound rips open again... I miss her so much...

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry your mom had to endure that and I'm sorry you had to bear witness. Occasionally there will be headlines about something horrific that has taken place in a nursing home or in the community, but every day there are horror stories like yours taking place that are unmarked except by those who are living the nightmare. The vulnerable in society, be they children, mentally ill or challenged or the elderly, have always been at the mercy of those who care for them. My petty regrets (and I have many) pale in comparison to those you have endured. The reality is that we are caught between that proverbial rock and hard place, at some point the choices are all impossible. I don't have the answers, I wish I did.

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Thanks cwillie - I think I feel particular resentment toward "the system" because in fact I did try to bring attention to the abuse - to the blatant mistreatment of the first facility (and since then I've heard a lot of horror stories of what others have encountered at that same facility). I filed an abuse report/complaint with the State of Oregon... I had a detailed, daily diary which listed all the people, situations, and mistreatment explicitly. I had graphic, clear photos of the accelerating damage to her feet. I had evidence! The State "interviewed staff and witnesses" and found the facility "had a care plan in place", etc. etc. What witnesses? There were none except me! Staff? They would certainly volunteer and recount abuse? My photos were "inadmissable" because they were of a 95 year old woman's feet, complete with a missing toe and fungal nails, but - since I didn't have pics of the "total person" and then incrementally of her feet, etc., it couldn't be proven they were HER feet. Seriously?! I DID get proof - I obtained doctors' photos they'd taken for their records, which validated my photos. Care plan? Only after she was already damaged and I demanded a care meeting! Again, simply following dates and events I documented would have proved this. Anyway, the whole process was exhausting, frustrating, and in the end, infuriating... So - I now believe it's usually not possible to go up against large, rich, corporations - those that own and "manage" many different facilities. They exert too much influence and have too much money, and that takes precedence over human suffering...

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Honey, none of us can see the future and you couldn't have known how severe or how long her illness/injuries could become or last. You did the best you could for her. There is no changing things now. Not sure what your religious beliefs are, but I believe your mom is out of pain now and with loved ones. Being as close as you described your relationship, I'm sure she knew you were doing what you thought was right for her and wanted the best for her. And that said, I'm sure she would not want you to carry regrets for the rest of your life, rather remember her with love and a smile for all the good memories you shared.

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I truly don't believe you should feel any guilt. With your mom's medical problems, I cannot see how she could have been cared for at home, unless you are so wealthy that money is no consideration. You did the very best you could, but this is not a perfect world. Not your fault. I'm sure your presence meant a great deal to her. You should be proud of that. But don't doubt yourself because you couldn't wave a magic wand. None of us can.

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ImageImp,

You feel how you feel. There isn’t a ‘right or wrong’ way to feel in these situations. Please know that you did all that you could possibly do.

It is completely obvious how much you loved her or you wouldn’t even be questioning your decision. You know that deep down the care she required was more than one person could realistically handle, both physically and mentally.

Is it normal to question something? In my opinion it is. It shows me that you are a person that carefully considers all options and that is to be commended.

I agree with cwille, the elderly are vulnerable. You were your mother’s strongest advocate. Take comfort in that. I wish she hadn’t suffered as she did. I wish you hadn’t witnessed that. I hate injustice of any form. As a society we need to do all that we can to make positive changes for a safe and happy environment for everyone who needs care.

Take care and always remember what you meant to your mom. Something tells me you meant as much to her as she meant to you.

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I think it is natural to go over everything you did in regards to your mom's care. We do the best we can in a brain-addled, fatigued state. Guilt is common afterward. Perhaps it would help to talk with a counselor?

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Per counselor? I saw one weekly for a year, both during events and after Mom died... I feel 20 years older... I guess being in a constant "fight" mode for several years can do that! I'm really trying to get a thicker skin, and more acceptance of what she went through unnecessarily, but? I'm seriously considering trying to get an appointment with the (new) manager of the rehab facility, and try to make them at least understand the consequences of the damage they caused - in less than a week - for the next 2 years after I took her out of their facility... They should know that they didn't simply ruin her feet, they ruined the last years of her life... She should have been able to come home - the "rehab" there was supposed to ensure that, because when she went there from the hospital where she'd had ortho surgery, the orthopedic surgeon said she did so well he expected she would regain pre-fall mobility and be fine... Instead she ended up on narcotic pain meds every 4 hours and wound care/dressing changes on her feet every other day for over a year... There could be no rehab... I'm trying to get over my anger as well as my grief...

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Mine is in a nurse home now. U make me think.... however, you cant blame yourself as you did what you thought was best at the time. Thats all we can do, what we think is best or what we are capable of. She could have still fallen if at home if she was a fall risk. Then you would blame yourself. Either way, you made choices as best you could, it was not easy at all and no one can know how hard it was for you to even make choices for your mom. Please dont beat yourself up. Your mom knows that you did what you could. She is at peace now and will always love you and know that you cared very much. I am sorry that she suffered and i hope that you can find peace for yourself and not blame yourself. I cry a lot because my mom is in a nurse home and i feel guilt, but then i think how its not my fault that she got ill and how i do all i can out of my love.

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I truly hope your Mom is treated kindly and respectfully... I encourage you, though, to be aware and watch for things that need to be "fixed". My Mom was a really private, modest woman. One of the incidents that stands out in my mind is the time I took her to a doc's appt. and while we waited, she crossed her arms over her chest (she had on someone else's huge sweatshirt and I thought maybe it was uncomfortable). When I asked what was wrong, she looked about to cry and said "I don't have a bra on - they couldn't find it!" (she had four 38 DD underwire bras - she needed a bra!) She said "I haven't left the house without a bra since I was 13 years old!" Facilities so badly need to recognize that individual dignity and pride are still issues to old people, and they have a right to be treated as such! Sensitivity training of staff? At the least...

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My mum had dementia and the last 10 weeks she ended up in a nursing home as she needed 24/7 care . She only lasted about 10 weeks when she went in. The last 2 went down rapidly, her death was not expected. We can only do as much for our parents as possible and you did as much as you could for your mum. Taking her home wouldn't have made any difference to the outcome. You now need to think of your good memories and know your mum wouldn't have wanted to continue living life the way things had became. May your mum RIP and you get some peace x

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ImageIMP

You've endured an awful lot and had to watch your mum suffer. I too wish your mother and yourself hadn't to go through that long awful painful time. Yes your still grieving and nobody knows how long for. Theres no time frame for grief and no matter what you will always miss her. Even when i say this to you feel pain as my mums 1st Anniversary isnt until July and was my dads 4th on Valentines Day and i miss them both ever day :(

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Thanks - I hope things get easier for you, too... One perspective I keep trying to remember? I'm grateful have the good memories I do have before she was hurt, and remember the closeness and love we felt for so many years. I feel sorry for people who never knew that closeness, or who found their feelings ground down under the pressure. It's sort of like the saying (although of course a different context!) "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"...

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My brother & I too had to place my mother in a nursing home the last 14 months of her life. Why? No one could manage her needs at home. What led to this realization is my mother had not moved her bowels in almost 2 weeks and began to vomit thus my brother called EMS.
Oh yes, I felt guilt about this every single day, as did my brother.
I would go see her & she would say things like “I thought today would be the day you took me out of here”.
Oh boy- after this I cried for hours.
But we had to place her there. The rationale I hung onto was that generally my mother was safe there, as they provided 24/7 care. Hygiene was an issue as well- she was refusing to bathe.
Looking back I can’t say I would have done it any other way. I wrestle with that decision now but fleetingly and I don’t feel guilty about it (well....just a bit).

Its hard but try to look ahead. Looking back will only make you sad and unsettled. Leave those thoughts back somewhere in your psyche. No it wasn’t easy but try to move past it. It’s water under the bridge.

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You and your brother sound very caring and your mom would not want you to live with guilt.

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It's common to feel guilt over the choice to have your mom in a NH. As many others have said you did your best and your mom still loves you an understand.

Personally, I felt bad my mom was in a NH for rehab after a hospital stay so she could get stronger. When she got sick from sepsis, either at the NH or because of the hospital, and she went to the hospital, the NH used that as a way to discharge her (since hospital kept them abreast of how she was doing).

It is hard trying to overcome the hurt from this, but it was made a little better, since the NH she was at is not closed for good. I take that as my mom, helping out others, just like she did when she was alive.

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ImageIMP,

I am in the process of looking at assisted living facilities and I did look at one nursing home. Nursing homes are not rated very well in my area. Judging by the one I visited these ratings are accurate. It was horrible. I wouldn’t want to live there or send mom there if I don’t have to. I can’t even begin to describe my emotions regarding that place and what I saw.

I have to consider my mother’s medical issues (Parkinson’s disease) and finances before I decide what to do.

It’s obvious to me that you did what you had to do in your situation. Your mother would want you to be free of guilt and enjoy your life. You loved each other. I know you cherish those memories in your heart.

I strongly believe that you were an incredible advocate for your mom. If you are feeling that strongly about her care, I think you should speak to the facility about the card she received. I realize that even though you are aware that situations were not your fault, it still hurts. It hurt me when I visited my godmother in a nursing home. She had an awful experience there too. Unfortunately, her sons were unable to provide better care for her. It’s a terrible position to be in, for patients and families.

Also, maybe pass this information onto congressmen or other elected officials in your area. You have a powerful voice. It shows in your writing. Perhaps write a meaningful letter stating how you feel. I feel your passion. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

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Your experience at finding a horrible nursing home is not a big surprise... I thought maybe an "adult foster home" - someone's private home with only a few residents? - might provide a more controlled, warmer environment? First, it was beyond difficult finding any available slots, especially when by then Mom was on Medicaid (and many wouldn't accept that because they couldn't afford to accept the paltry payments). Also finding homes that were set up and suitable for wheelchairs and some personal help, was daunting! I finally gave up, after the last place was so disgusting I decided the nursing home wasn't as bad as I'd felt! When I first looked at the "soon to be available" room, it was still occupied by a lady on hospice and not expected to live long, I didn't want to intrude and disrupt her, and only peeked in the room to see size, window, etc. Several days later, the owner called and said the room was now available, and could Mom move in by the first of the month? (This was only 2 or 3 days from then). In general, this place was sort of run-down and marginal, so I said I needed to bring Mom there first and see whether she felt comfortable... When we looked at the now-vacant room, I nearly fell over! The carpet was beyond filthy, there was personal "stuff" from the owner in one whole end of the room, but most distressing of all was the nauseating, pungent smell! The sole caretaker/aid (the owner never showed his face again) said the carpet would be cleaned or replaced (in 2 days?), but the smell mostly was from the overstuffed fabric recliner, because the lady who just died spent all her last days in it, and urinated/soiled it. Seriously! Why the Hxxx would anyone show a potential client a room in this condition? Poor Mom was whispering to me "Dear, Please don't leave me in this place!" - not a chance! Instead I reported them to DHS, but I doubt any action was taken because 3 new residents had been placed in the adjoining home, owned by the same guy, the previous week when another home had been shut down by authorities because of poor conditions...

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Al any of us, the wisest, the most patient, the kindest.....all we can EVER do is our best.
After a year of attempts to care for my mom in my home, in a PERFECT setup, we came to the painful realization that everything and anything we could do would never be enough to provide the care she needed.
We placed her in a very good NH, and family was with her EVERY DAY for 5 1/2 years, most days twice a day.
She thrived.
Her caregivers loved her, and she loved them. We loved them as well. Terrible places exist, and so do very good ones. We had the extraordinary good fortune to find a very good place in our first attempt, but we always operated on the premise that if there was no good choice, the job of the caregiver to make the best possible choice of the bad ones.

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Thanks all... Sorry if I get really revved up again and again? I'm still trying to clean out Mom's bedroom, and end up running into things that just stop me in my tracks... Growing up, my Mom was emphatic about privacy, i.e., no one goes in your purse, your dresser drawers, etc. without permission, etc. So it's taking me forever to clean out her dressers and figure out what to do with her things... It's just so hard because I feel like I'm intruding or violating her privacy. I know rationally I'm not, but... The killers are things I'm finding that, of course, I never knew she had or had saved... The saucer wrapped in a washcloth really got to me because it was simply a piece she'd kept from the first set of dishes she and my Dad bought when they first got married; I grew up with those dishes. The black & brown plaid flannel shirt in her bottom drawer? Oh geeze! That was my Dad's favorite shirt and I can clearly see him wearing it, but he died in 1970 when I was 19 years old... I just can't throw these things away! I've decided I'm going to try to make (probably custom-make) a shadow-box type framed wall thing (that's a pretty awkward description!). (I have my Grandmother's -Mom's Mom's - wedding gown framed on the front room wall, so maybe this can go up near that!) Anyway, I might break the plate and just use a piece of it... I might cut the pocket out of the shirt and just use that.. I'll try to make a "collage" of sorts using photos, items, etc. that meant something to Mom... That will have to wait down the road, though, when I've been able to go through all the drawers...

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Inaread of breaking the plate,why not use it as a frame for your favorite pic of her or of your family. It might not be the prettiest piece of china but it has a lot of sentimental meaning. "Serve up" a helping of happy memories on it. The shadow box is a great idea and depending on how much room you have next to the wedding dress. You might be able to keep as much of the mementos together as you can then...like a time line in smaller boxes framing the dress. If you have cousins that you were close to, those smaller shadow boxes would be nice to give to them as a remembrance of your family ties. Granted, I'm using an example of my family though - around 100 close blood relatives who always now what's going on with family. Just take it slow and easy. Enjoy all the memories they bring because That's what made your life so rich and full of Love. God Bless.

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Aw Image, your story sadly is not unique. Unique and devastatingly painful for you but not unique. Ah that it were.

I have many regrets about how my mom's care was handled or mishandled by many. As my siblings chose to let me take the brunt of the care I couldn't be everywhere at once, didn't have eyes in the back of my head, wasn't strong enough to lift mom even though she was a slight little thing. So I didn't really decide, circumstances decided it, but yet I still think maybe I could have done this, should have done that. Just maybe, I could have moved in with her and yet she wouldn't have wanted that. She was so proud and hung on to her independence with all her might. She never let on she was forgetting things and not eating properly, not taking her medications properly. The usual sad, sad story.

Yes, I have many regrets...............always will, even though I know I did the best I could, I still think I could have done better. So yes, I hear you.

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Hugs to you... I'm sorry my story isn't unique...

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I almost never can get past the titles on the email page but your question caught my eye. Yes, yes, yes, I have many "afterthoughts" and "regrets". I don't think I will ever be the same. A little over a year is not long, to say the least. I don't know if this site allows phone numbers to be posted but I'll try and if you ever want to talk, give me a try. To say you've been through a lot is a gross understatement. If I don't answer, PLEASE leave a message and I will return your call.
Bob

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Thank you Bob... I don't know either whether this forum will allow personal info to be posted? It seems there used to be a "reply privately" choice, but I don't see it now?

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I know none of have the answers you need to help you get over the variety of feelings you have. None of us can travel back in time and stop what has happened or will happen to our LO. As humans, all we have is hindsight and What If's; that's normal. The thing is; at least in my mind; we try to do the same for them as they did for us for SO many years growing up and I think that's where the guilt comes into play. I've been told to look at it as role reversal but I think that's wrong. That's trying to compare apples to watermelons. Taking care of kids is So much easier. You raise your voice, they stop but our LO don't understand that anymore. You need time away from the kids, you call a babysitter but you just can't do that with your parents. The kids will listen to the babysitter but your parents will actually throw things and fight them from start to finish. This is going to sound really Really strange but I'm starting to care for Mom (last5 years w/Dem - on & off Bad days) like a pet. Reward her good calm behavior with her fav foods, a drive to get something to eat, her fav is McD's and listening to the oldies in the car. On her bad days when she starts to argue, I just say "That's it, I'm going for a drive" and step outside. Within 2 min she calms down and I'm back inside. It's starting to work. As soon as I grab my jacket, she says "I'm sorry, I'll stop arguing" and she feels better. I have No idea if I'm going to have to look into a NH, God help me if that's the case since she only get SS and doesn't qualify for AL, but I've gone way way past what I thought I could even dream of dealing with. When that day comes, I think Mom won't remember one day to the next, so that will make it just a little bit easier. There will always be a bit of guilt because We had to give someone else; who isn't family; the responsibility of caring for our LO they same way they took care of us. I pray that I can have the strength You had when it gets that tough. I also pray that I'll still be Me when it's all said and done like You are now. God Bless.

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Thanks Sonny... I understand exactly what you're saying about trying to adapt and use creative techniques to "encourage" cooperation! Before Mom was hurt, and ended up needing facility care, she lived with me for about 20 years. We were best friends, roommates, actually "life partners"? As the years went on, our relationship did change because she needed more and more physical help, and also got a little "soft" in the noggin from time to time. (She had macular degeneration, and eventually was centrally blind, and she also had mobility issues from a previous back surgery and used a rollator.) She was fiercely independent and it did get interesting sometimes? (How about reading her bills out loud every month, so she could retain control because I had to do her bills/banking and she couldn't see?) One thing I found interesting - and definitely also sad - was the many people who blithely said "Well, you should just put your Mom in a home where they can take care of her? You can't ever really do things for yourself, and It isn't fair to you for her to take up your whole life!" I couldn't understand how anyone would think my Mom was unfairly cramping my life? We'd both taken care of each other in so many differerent ways over the years (she was 95 by this time!) I'd just look at them -friends? - and ask whether they'd feel that way if she was a spouse who needed help when older? Sure there were things I couldn't do - travel, for one thing, was tough, although I have one very good friend who loved her too and would help out. I have no siblings (my only brother was killed in a motorcycle accident about 10 years ago), and no kids... My only "blood relatives" actually are one cousin in Massachusetts and one in Montana, and a nephew (my brother's only child), his wife, and their two babies in Texas... Not a big family! But I would REALLY feel guilty if I'd just discarded her as an impediment to my life? Sheesh!

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As many have said guilt is always knocking at the door. I reflect on the choices us children have made. Sometimes, when I think of the other choices we could have made; she and/or we could have been in a better situation, or possibly in a worse situation. My mother has dementia and I have dealt with those same issues you have (the clothes was very frustrating), but the most guilt producing is not being there to reassure her in her confusion or being present for her moments of lucidity.
I realize though that when I was caring for her, I was not always meeting those needs anyway, because I was so task oriented to have some sort of normalcy and order. That thought can also bring guilt.
We do our best to care for the one who sacrificed (as we REMEMBER) to care for us. As a mom, I realize that perhaps I did not sacrifice as much as my children think I did. And if I did, I do not want them to feel indebted to me for that. I just want to do all I can to bring love, peace and joy to their lives, just as I wish to do for my mother.
Unfortunately we only have a certain physical capacity. So, take heart, from what I have gathered you and your mother had a great love for each other. The greatest thing is love. And so we cry some for loving, and laugh some for living.
May God bless you on grief journey, that you may be able to bring to mind happy memories, when those thoughts of guilt and sorrow break into your stream of consciousness.

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I'm a physician myself (Internal Medicine.) My Late Father was widowed 30+ years ago when my Mom died after fighting a Very Bad Cancer. I'm an only Son. I was practicing Down South for a Decade, when my Dad, during a Spring visit to him said, "Son, could you please retire and take care of me here? I think I'm losing my Mind." So-what could I DO? I gave notice at work, and drove back in late 2013 (the Worst Winter EVER up here!) and took care of him. He was a renowned Scientist and WW2 Veteran. He was also a master points Bridge player. He knew he was starting to make mistakes. After I had him home, he had a BAD case of the Shingles (that we both thought would do him in) along with Post Herpetic Neuralgia (insane itching.) I shlepped him to his own Primary Care MD (who is HIS age!) and he recommended PT, so I took him there. He then had digestive problems, and I got him to eat. I took him overseas to a wedding in Late 2014, and to see my Uncle, who was in the hospital after a wreck (which almost killed him because of his advanced COPD. He's finally quit smoking.) We were going to go on a bucket list Danube Cruise, but we both agreed he was too weak to walk. I had insured the trip to the hilt, and cancelled it. We went to Boston the next Spring (I had an educational conference) but he had kept calling me on my cell. He was Macho "I can handle it!" etc. He agreed to go to Assisted Living for my sake-he could see I wasn't happy. I, Too, am in my Late Fifties and unmarried. I guess I was always cynical about the whole Institution. They finally had a bed for him in November of 2015. It was in Memory Care, as he was almost Ninety and Frail. I visited him every day. He had a hospitalization, and then I agreed to Hospice (you NEED that here to get a bed with rails that they don't tumble out of.) I visited him every day, and his lady friend visited fairly often. They had movies at night, and memory activities. He often had his head down and said he felt "miserable." Hospice called me in mid-December, to say he was "declining a bit" and had asked to be put to bed in the daytime. I rushed over. He was essentially very obtunded/comatose for the last week, with cold extremities. He passed away with me at his side. His kidneys weren't the greatest, and I think his Heart must have failed. No pity party for us...he made it to an advanced age. But, I feel VERY Guilty, and am second-guessing myself three years later. I could have/should have settled down. If I had married the Divorcee Internist with the daughter during my residency, I would have had her and at least one grown child, (plus, maybe some of my Own) to help out. I could then easily have managed him in our Home. Dad would have been happier then. If I had cancelled Hospice, and had him taken to the Hospital across the street, maybe they could have fixed him up, and he could have survived until the Springtime. I could even have hired a full time caretaker. I had an Inner City NO account watch him while I worked part-time (I'm SORRY, but it's True!) who no-showed a few times. Once, when I went to work without her coming, I found him on the floor in the Hall (he thought he was in bed) and called the medics. They got him up and walking around-he thankfully was OK. He was verbal until the week before he Died, and even typed an Assisted Living Packing List, told me how he met my Mom, etc. one year before passing on. One thing he did NOT do much of as a Senior was physical exercise. That preserves the Brain and Body. I should TALK-I have a Health Club membership and rarely go. Spirnolactone is Good for the Mind, too. A Cardiologist did an ECHO a year before his Death, and he had 60% Ejction Fraction. But, after a fall, the hospital did one the next Spring, and it was only about 25%. That's Poor Cardiac Function.
It's All SO HARD!

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We all do the best we can for our loved ones. If we are caring individuals, we all have guilt. I pray for peace for you.

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Your mom was so blessed to have you. You have been heroic during all her suffering. Your grief is of course justified.

Take your time as you sort through her things. May many discoveries bring you joy.

I agree that being part of a bereavement group may be quite helpful. Visiting with a counselor for a while may be helpful as well.

You have done an incredible job as a caregiver, and I wish you well as you heal and create a new life for yourself.

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ImageImp,
My mom is still alive and I have guilt. I tried taking care of her in my home but she was up all hours, trying to get in to my husband while he was trying to sleep because she thought he raped and killed her imaginary daughter, etc., etc. I had to put her in a group home, which is 15 minutes from where I live. She wanted me to take her home (her home when she was a child or sometimes, her home when she was married to my dad). They say "redirect".....well, mom is like a child. You can offer her something sweet to eat during those times but after she finishes eating she's back to I want to go home and crying because I won't take her there. Sorry TMI. I do understand your guilt, but you did the best you could, which is what I am trying to do. I see mom every day as well. Prayers for peace and comfort to you.

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Not TMI to me! So very sorry, this rape thing is no joke! You did the right thing,

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Let this Angle Here, dear, Put your own at Home to Rest...You did your God Loving Best. You were always There with Care for your Mom, God knows this and being a Caregiver for Years, Dear, You were Mom's Guardian angel
Relax, You did everything Possible and Being Beside Her, No Need to Hurt. You can Rest Assure if it was Not for You, Mom would never had Anyone, hun.

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You, and others posting here, did the best you could. Like you, I often think that if I could have done something different, Mom could have stayed with me and all would have been OK. But, that’s just wishful thinking. I am sorry that the CNA was not able to keep your mom from slipping in transport, as it seems that your Mom was at a point where the nursing home my mom was in would have required two CNAs for transport to avoid this very thing. Nevertheless, when you consider all the things that the nursing home DID do right for your mom, especially when you were not there, could you have realistically done all of that on your own? I took care of Mom in some form or other for twenty years, after the passing of Dad. For most of those 20 years, I was able to help her on my own. It was only the last three years that I could not. Like you, I am single, and there are less years ahead of me than behind. There will be no one to help me, when I am too frail to take care of myself. I thank God that there are some very good nursing homes and pray the bad ones go out of business. It is easy for us to feel guilty about putting our loved ones into a nursing home, but take a moment and think about all the good years that your mom DID have in her life. You kept her safe. THAT was the kindest thing you could have done for her. You did the best you could, and that is all anyone can do.

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Going through this now, she lived alone. I hate this and want to bring her home. My husband and mom can’t stand each other but I can’t stand this will be her life.

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So sorry for you! All you can do is pray, since your husband comes first.

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My heart and soul go out to you. There are many things in your story that are exactly like where I am at this moment. I am on my own with Mom. Yesterday, Mom, a care giver, and I were supposed to be at Disney for a week. But, alas, postponed since she hurt both knees with an unfortunate situation in the walk in tub that she usually beams about. (a story for another topic;(
Since I am her sole caregiver at home, that means I spend all day at the hospital and at the rehab center. I wouldn't have it any other way since the 2 of us have the same connection you describe with your Mom. Just as our parents did the best with us, raising us, loving us, etc. we all do our best with them at the end of their life. Somewhere along the way come forgiving ourselves and having the BEST memories from our years together. I think if you scroll back over questions here, you will find TONS of examples where the mother/daughter relationship was far from loving for a VERY long time. Maybe go to a therapist for a short while and talk through what you did RIGHT with Mom for SO long. Writing in a journal might accomplish the same thing.... (and much less expensive....$5 for a journal;) Maybe write a book to only read to yourself when the grief gets overwhelming....
Put down her funny lines, her favorite meals, places you went together over and over since they were so much fun, etc.
Just as when she was alive, be kind to yourself now that she is gone. Congratulate yourself on all the RIGHT things that were done. Given your story, there are thousands more of those....
I am not sure what makes humans so different when it comes to guilt after the fact. All I do know is your strength when she was alive is the strength you need to grab onto now that she is gone.

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And for those like me who cannot write with pen, either type a journal in some device, or have a SD card just for journaling alone be it typed, be it voice recorder, or video journal. I would suggest at least a 32 gb card to start with for plenty of journal space. A past dominant shoulder injury is the reason behind my limited pen writing. Dominant shoulder meaning the shoulder leading to my dominant hand.

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Dear one, you are mourning the loss of your mum....and you did your best with what you were working with, and by yourself! (me, too!)

It's normal to feel what you feel....second-guessing yourself, rehashing the story. Yet let me reassure you, YOU DID YOUR BEST.

And it's ok....it's over for her now, she's out of pain and suffering....it's over...

I didn't really start feeling a bit better until 2 years later, and still I can pretty much cry just talking about it. Losing my mum was primal, and like you, we were very close, esp when I moved back home to care for my parents. Now I'm going through it with my dad...

It's time to nurture yourself like you did your mum.
Small steps. Maybe even consider a grief support group if you feel drawn or talk to a good friend. Have someone listen helped me...

You're a good person. It's time to honor yourself...sending you love and healing for the next chapter of your life....

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Pe

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I have the same kind of situation where I know for sure on a
practical level I made the right choices. It really helps to visualize yourself zoomed out and looking down at the situation and being on the outside and taking out emotions, I
realize I did make the best decisions and I need to power through a super tough situation. This pain and heartbreak is
very common and I can do it too and there is this support system if not right here, this forum.

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My dear husband died June 29, 2018, in a local hospital. He had been in a nursing home for about two weeks prior to being rushed to the ER . He had been found unresponsive early on the morning of June 27th. I had been able to keep him at home and was his sole caregiver for close to 2-1/2 yrs. since he was diagnosed with late onset Alzheimer's with vascular disease. I had promised him that I would not put him in a facility as long as I could give him the 24/7 care he eventually needed. He kept falling and was in the hospital for 6 days that May, when he was also diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He took a very hard fall on April 14th, hitting his head on the concrete floor of our garage, and even though he walked with a walker, he had many prior falls. Finally in June, I felt I could no longer care for him at home, he kept trying to climb over the rails of his hospital bed, so I had to stay in the area of his bed to keep an eye on him. By the time all this took place, my health was going downhill and our primary dr. advised me to find help. It was after his last bad fall that I finally had to admit that I had to place him in a nursing home on hospice. It broke my heart to have to do so, but I knew that I could no longer care for him by myself at home. I knew that he would get the care he needed in the NH and I visited him everyday. He would beg me to bring him home, and I would tell him that the dr. said he needed to get stronger first and then we would see about it. That seemed to give him some comfort. BUT had I known that he would not have lived any longer than he did, I would have brought him back home with hospice to help. Even though I knew what I had done, had to be done to save my health and for him to get better care. I still grieve at times, thinking that I wish that I had kept him at home. Also wondering if he always felt that I had stopped loving him since I put him in the NH. We had been married for 57 yrs. and now that he is gone, I miss him everyday of my life and yes, sometimes I still hurt because I had placed him in the NH and I think what makes it more difficult is that he still had a good bit of memory left and he knew me. I stayed by his bedside at the hospital those last three days of his life as he slowly slipped away from this life into his eternal home with God. He went peacefully, having never come out of the unresponsive state. Whenever I have those feelings of guilt, I remember just how ill he had been and the constant care that he needed and now he has a perfect body again. I will join him one day and that gives me much comfort. My wonderful church family gives me so much comfort and most seem to know just when I need a little extra caring love. Our two grown children live out of town so I don't get to be with them very often, so my church family means the world to me. I pray that you can finally find the comfort you are seeking and can stop hurting and feeling the guilt of having placed your Mom in the NH. My husband also had type 2 diabetes and was on insulin, had three heart attacks in the past and they found shortly before he died that his cancer had returned for the fourth time after 8 yrs. of being in remission, he also had bladder incontinence. My prayers go out for you to find peace and that the hurt will slowly get better as mine is finally doing.

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I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure and handle. It is so unfair, both to people needing help and their caretakers, to have to go through so much pain... I hope everyone can find some peace and resources to help, as you have with your church family...

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Does anyone else have "afterthoughts" about having placed a loved one who is now deceased in a nursing home?

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