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This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.

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It’s not really personal. The law is that the testator makes the decisions about who gets what. The person who does more ‘helping’ should negotiate remuneration before death, either with the (legally competent) patient or with the siblings who are relying on them to carry the load. It can be paid as a charge on the estate if payment up front is difficult, but it has to be negotiated in advance.
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verystressedout Aug 2022
In some cases I know of, the helping adult child doesn’t want a contract (then they would feel like an employee, and they don’t want to feel like that), but would like to receive a bigger share of the inheritance. In my opinion, that decision has nothing to do with the non-helping siblings (it’s none of their business) (no negotiation is needed) - it’s a decision that’s entirely up to the testator. My own opinion is that the helping adult child should receive more.
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I agree but if the parent doesnt make a will to do that then that sibling is out of luck.
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Yes, of course, the helping child should receive more of an inheritance. But things don't always work out the way they should. Which means that the helping child should have a contract in place, even if it makes them feel like an employee, b/c to some degree, they ARE, so they can get paid in real time while doing all the caregiving. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Waiting for 'someday' means that the helping child can pass away before the inheritance comes around, God forbid, so that's another reason why getting paid in real time makes much more sense.
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The adult helping should be paid for their services. It is hard work and they should be paid for their commitment. This needs to be documented and should not be part of the inheritance. If there is no other option than to be paid as part of inheritance, it should be documented in the will.

If not documented, it means nothing. The helping adult child will give their time and energy while enduring all the stress without any financial recompense. Too many adult children ruin their lives, financially, emotionally and even physically with a belief they are due/owed more inheritance. It never happens unless it is in the will or you are paid for your services. Don't ruin your life, get it in writing or get paid. If not, walk away and find another solution.
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lealonnie1 Aug 2022
Exactly.
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OP, think again about “In my opinion, that decision has nothing to do with the non-helping siblings (it’s none of their business) (no negotiation is needed)”. The decision would be best coming from the testator, if legally competent. However the non-helping siblings can enter into a contract with the one who is doing all the work, to pay over some of their own eventual inheritance.

Your view that ‘it’s none of their business’ probably means that they wouldn’t agree. If that is the case, then it is solely up to the testator. You might think that the law should be different, but it isn’t.
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verystressedout Aug 2022
I don’t think the law should be different.

It’s up to the testator, and I think that’s a good thing.

I’m stating my opinion: I think the helping adult child should receive more.
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What about the second spouse that cares for her husband for years, gives up her job to do so, empties the urinals, drives to doctor appointments and has loss of social contact? And the husband refuses to change his will because he wants to leave everything to his adult kids? Happens more than you think.
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verystressedout Aug 2022
I understand what you say.

My comment was only about the helping adult child vs. the non-helping adult children.

In the cases I know, the testator is leaving everything to the surviving spouse -

The issue here is: what happens after both testator and spouse die? My personal opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more than the non-helping adult children.
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Yes, the helping child should receive something for all that they do.

I believe an inheritance is a gift and not an entitlement. So putting the compensation for the care as part of the inheritance makes it an entitlement and that isn't the best plan. Being paid to provide services, as they are needed, keeps inheritance as a gift and usually stops parents from taking advantage of their caring off-spring.

I, also, believe that parents SHOULD NOT place or expect the burden of care to be on any of their adult children. They SHOULD pay for the help they need and make plans for their 24/7 care, if it comes to that.
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verystressedout Aug 2022
I see what you mean about the differences between gift, entitlement, compensation…
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This is a bit confusing. If you understand the law and don’t think it should be different, plus you think it’s a good thing that it’s up to the testator, what is your post all about? Your opinion is that you ‘think the helping adult child should receive more’. What do you think ought to change? Or do you just want to tell us your opinion? Is this part of you being 'very stressed'?
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verystressedout Aug 2022
I don’t think anything should be changed in the law.

I posted the question: Do you think the helping adult child should receive more inheritance?

I know of some people who think children should inherit in equal parts, even if only one adult child helped.
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I think there are two issues here:

(1) in your opinion, should the helping adult child receive more inheritance than the non-helping adult children?

(2) in your opinion, what’s the best way to “compensate” the helping adult child? Through more inheritance? Through an employment contract? (but that can lead to uncomfortable “employee” feelings)… Through some other method? A combination of methods?
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The helping caregiver should be compensated all along for duties performed.
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I believe the parent should pay room and board and more for care while they are alive. Not wait until death, when most the funds may be used up.
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Frebrowser Aug 2022
I agree. It is much cleaner to compensate the caregiver in real time. It may also make it easier to accept that there is no benefit to refusing to delegate tasks to paid providers or to substitute convenience products for those that require more labor.

Putting it off and calling it an inheritance leaves so much room for something to go wrong:

The care recipient promises and intends to leave an extra inheritance but fails to follow through, assuming there is plenty of time, and then it is too late.

The presumed inheritance is all gone because of end of life expenses when care became too much for one caregiver to handle (e.g., Medicaid spend down).

If extra inheritance makes it to the caregiver as an inheritance, the other assumed heirs resent it and it builds into a schism.

The caregiver child has to deal with their grief, the loss of their routine, and the resentment of the other assumed heirs all at the same time.

I also believe it is best to distribute photographs and other heirlooms as much as is practical before death, so the recipients can have a chance to get the stories that go with the items.
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I believe that if you go into caregiving thinking that you are going to get some kind of reward for it whether it's monetary or otherwise you are going to probably be disappointed.

I read so many stories on here from the sole caregiver whose siblings did nothing to help and yet in a lot of cases were treated more kindly or received more after the passing of the parent. Sadly, I think it's par for the course.

In a perfect world I'd say yeah, of course the helping child should inherit more but we all know this ain't a perfect world.
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It's a good question to ask!

Helper Sib: good helpful child 😇. Loving, giving, selfless.

But here's another (distasteful) view..

Helper Sib: As above, wishes to be seen as The Golden Child. Self-esteem built on attention for good deeds.

Close with parent 😀.
Encourages co-dependancy 😶. Becomes #1 helper 😞. Gate-keeps out other sibs & non-family/formal supports 😖. Feels entitled for renumeration, despite carving out this position for self & holding others out 😤.

Seen this pattern a few time now. Often unpartnered/divorced/left partner for elder parent. Sib needed secure housing + parent needed care = so this *social contract* was a good solution for both sides at the time.

We do read MANY tales from the Helper Sib desperate for help, asking & pleading their sibling for it.

But we also get a few from non-helping sibs being totally shut out.

Just another side - feel free to comment!

I agree that inheiritence is a gift.

Paying for service in the living time would probably increase fairness.
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Seekingtruth123 Aug 2022
You raise some excellent pointe here in my opinion!
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This is such an interesting question in my opinion, one that I too have given thought to. I see arguments for yes and no.
If for example in my own case one of us (we are 3 daughters) took on the responsibility , when the time comes, of most of the care duties, then I think some financial reward to that child would be very acceptable during that time, and not to the others during that period. In terms of general inheritance after the death...I personally think 3 way split would still stand. Others may disagree.
This inheritance topic is so sensitive and I have witnessed siblings after the death of a parent(s) fall out and not speak again. Because of this ugliness in my opinion and the sure possibility of it happening, I have taken the stance of telling my parents (they are 82 and 87 atm) to write me out of any inheritance and bypass me completely , and give it to my kids , should they wish. This was done on my part several months ago and man do I feel FREE now. Each to their own at the end of the day!
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MattyWelch Aug 2022
That's a very good attitude! If my mother wanted to diss me and just give it to her great grandsons, that would be fine with me. One always hopes that one's descendants are well cared for, so that would help that a bit.
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Your friends that help their elderly parents alone for years -- do they end up inheriting more?
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verystressedout Aug 2022
I have one female friend (brothers didn’t help) who inherited more. She helped her parents. It ruined her financially. She had just finished her PhD, on her way to becoming professor - stopped her career, to help her parents.

The parents were very aware the situation would ruin her financially. They left her a big inheritance. After the parents died, she was able to get back on her feet, start a business.
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I honestly don't personally know anyone who's inherited anything, one way or the other. But I would be more than happy for my brother to have more. The only asset that my mother has is her house, which is in a trust for the three of us. My mother says that she split it three ways. My brother is single, never married, no children, and lives only 20 minutes away from her. He comes over every week to mow the lawn and do any other household chores she needs, and phones her every day. I want as little to do with her as possible, we've never gotten along. So I would be more than happy to give up some of my inheritance to compensate him. He's going to leave it to us anyway, probably mostly to my sister who has some family issues, which is fine with me. I'm not expecting much, let's say that. Maybe that's the key, if you get $10, that's $10 more than you had before. Just don't expect too much in the first place I guess.
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The "helping" child should have an agreement with the parent(s) that the helping child is getting PAID to help.
I believe that inheritance is not a right nor should it be an expectation.
Money saved by parents should be used for THEIR care. If there is anything left great it can be split or done with as the parents wish. If there has been no designation then evenly split after debts are paid. (if any child, grandchild owed money that should be taken into account and "deducted")
And I think that any funds should be put toward grandchildren's education or for their future. In most cases "helping children" are all adults with retirement plans that should have been funded BEFORE helping a parent. No one should be "financially ruined" by helping a parent.
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Looking back over all the events that occurred with my dad’s caregiving needs and with my being executor of his will, I now hugely believe that all giving to the caregiver should happen while the parent is alive to do so. Getting a bigger inheritance is only grounds for hard feelings and complications. My dad was a retired teacher, never had a lot, so there was no big inheritance, but what there was had real potential to be a mess due to some warped family dynamics between dad and one sibling. There are likely bitter feelings over it though I’m not asking to find out. Giving for the caregiver should happen in the here and now
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XenaJada Aug 2022
Yes this is ideal
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The helping adult child should get paid while they are doing the work (and yes, it is work). Inheritance issues can get very messy.
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Sarah3 Aug 2022
Yes this thread convinced me after reading the advice how important it is in most cases for the caregiver sibling to take measures to be paid in the present - not some future point after the inheritance when the non helping siblings will do what they can to see they get most of it. Yes don’t count on a future hope or promise of payment, unless your siblings are truly good honest people I think it’s wise to secure reimbursement as you go.
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I am on the fence as to whether the grown child caregiver should receive a higher inheritance. I have also read on this form where sibling(s) recommend that their parent needs a higher level of care and not be cared for at home. But one sibling says "no", he/she will do the caregiving at home. Should the other siblings get less because one sibling refused to listen or believe in the amount of work involved?
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
No. The sibling (s) who want to put the parent into managed care in a facility should get zero. As in absolutely no part of the parents' estate and no inheritance.
The reasoning behind this is if the parents went into a nursing home or AL there would be nothing fo them anyway. So the caregiving sibling should be considered like a nursing home or AL.
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No. I don’t think people should expect more inheritance. In most cases, there is no inheritance. Some people barely have any life insurance or any longterm care insurance.
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I agree.

In “certain” circumstances the child who was the caregiver should get 90% of it.
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verystressedout Aug 2022
Sometimes, I think, it should even be 100%.
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This really depends on the helping child’s situation.

My mom will probably invite my sister and granddaughter to live with her for free after my dad passes, mainly for companionship. It’ll save thousands in rent for my sister. My mom still drives, goes to art class, even walks my sisters dog. There are no loss of actual adl.

If it gets to the point where help with toileting and other adls are required, that will be a stickier situation. However, she will not be quitting her job.
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What is 'right' and what is 'legal' really hold sway in this.

Mother will leave a fairly small inheritance. Divided amongst the 5 living sibs, it's less than $10K per child. My YB has taken care of mother for 25 years--at first it was not a burden, but the last 10-12 years have been awful, in many ways.

My OS, YB and I all plan to gift our portion of the inheritance to YB. $10k won't make a ripple in my financial wellness, but it will to YB. $30K will ease his financial burdens a lot.

Yb has a weird relationship with mother and he has truly been a 'gatekeeper', but for whatever reasons he has for doing so--he still keeps her home and takes her to all appts and deals with stuff none of the rest of us have. Not that we wouldn't, or couldn't, but he wouldn't allow us.

All that will be water under the bridge. Even tho he kept mother a semi-prisoner in her own apt, he did care for her and did a LOT of yucky chores.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Your brother should ger half of the inheritance with absolutely no opposition from anyone after 25 years of taking care of your mother.
That's good you and your siblings will do what's right for your caregiver brother. Most families won't.
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Of course the adult child who is the one caregiving should get the lion's share of the inheritance.
In fact, I will go so far as to say if one adult sibling does all the caregiving and usually spends years at a time doing all of it, they should receive HALF of the parents' estate. Regardless of how many other siblings or grandchildren there may be.
My siblings got no inheritance from our father. I had to be 100% responsible for him so I took whatever was available after the bills.
I've been totally responsible for my mother's care for years. I not only put up with her crap for years, but also clean it. She would have lost her home if not for me, so it is for me. I have it in writing. My sibs could have stepped up at any time and helped, but didn't.
There is no way I would be caregiving for my mother if I was not going to inherit this property and she knew it. Once it becomes an exempt asset from Medicaid next spring I will be able to leave here then bring in homecare or even place her if needs be.
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True story-
i knew a family that was 2 daughters and 2 sons. When the parents got old w dementia and other issues the daughters practically worked themselves to a nub taking care of the parents, taking turns staying with them round the clock, taking to dr appts, cooking, bathing, changing adult diapers, getting up and down all night etc., spending MUCH time away from their own families. This went on for YEARS.

The sons visited occasionally, but were busy w their own families, couldn’t be bothered. The elderly mother died first.

The contents of the will were unknown and all the property was in the father’s name. He died about a year after the mother.

This family owned 2 large farms worth $hundreds of thousands of dollars which each parent had inherited from their own parents. When the will was read, the SONS each received one farm, with the unenforceable understanding that they would farm it. They also received a lot if money. Each Daughter received $10,000!

Each son immediately sold their inherited farm and gave not one dime to the daughters who had done all of the work!
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verystressedout Aug 2022
Crazyyyyyy - selfishhhhhh sons.
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The POA should address payment for services if parents hire a lawyer who is honest with them about duties of a POA.

POA should address all things medical as well. If you have a POA that states you should get paid and don’t pay yourself then that is on you. You have a right to reimburse yourself for expenses. Read your parents POA. A professional non-family member POA will charge $150 an hour.

Kids have a discussion with your elderly parents before its too late.
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Yes, this is disgraceful, but it’s also predictable. The daughters don’t want to ask for a contract or other security, because they don’t want to feel like ‘employees’. They want the warm fuzzies that come from looking and feeling ‘wonderful’ for being so selfless. They are setting themselves up for being taken at their word – literally.

If the family’s males are sexist and ‘entitled’, the women have usually been indoctrinated to be self-sacrificing. It’s also linked to a view that people who work for money only care about the money. Our many women carers need to think about it carefully.
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Beatty Aug 2022
So well said Marageret!

My 'tech support' DH will never offer the 'personal service care' his sister's do.

One said she wants to help, loves to help, even said she wanted to be SEEN to be the Best Helper (as she attempted to roster others to do the work). So amazingly, possesses excellent insight to her motivation! Not financially motivated at all - but to be the 'Good Daughter'.

But so many women leave their paid jobs, even their homes & then that co-dependant situation is set up & financials become messy & mixed up too.
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If you are asking for a personal opinion, then my own is that yes, the child who is helping, responsible, and there for the parent is more deserving of more of the inheritance than another child. However, it is entirely up to the parent what he or she does about this, and up to the child whether he or she wishes to continue being the one who gives all the care.
I feel that whatever the parent does about inheritance it is always best to let the children know what they are doing, and why. It saves a lot of heartache later.
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In my case, my mother's will was drawn up 8 years before she had dementia. My brother and SIL were named as POA's for her medical/health, unbeknownst to them.

Fortunately my mother had the means to have a private PSW for 10 hours a day for 4 months. She is now just recently placed in an assisted care facility.

I took care of her for 4 months daily (only) and had no help from my brother, nieces or SIL during that time. I didn't expect to be paid for my time but knew I needed to get back to my business shortly.

My point is- It is so very important to have a proper Will drawn up prior to a parent needing care. A discussion about who may be able to assist on a part time or full time basis. Will payment be given or not (circumstances- said person, takes a leave of absence to carry said role out, time frame) Is an assisted living facility a plan for future.

If a parent has dementia and a Will has not be drawn up with specific guidelines and discussed prior, with family members- then it may become a litigious matter and something that should be avoided with proper planning ahead of time.
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