Depressed everyday- Is there any way to ever feel better?

How about get library books on travel or art or gardening and look through them together and discuss them. Maybe watch a movie together and then discuss it ( or a short video again from library)
Grief comes in waves, you are realizing the days slip by to a day you won't have the same talks, but don't dwell on it as the focus. Journal and read or do counseling on grif, but also find some hobby to give your day a reason to wake up.
Best Wishes

It's hard and it's depressing...but 'be there' for her regardless. Treasure what life she has left here in this world because when she is gone, you will be glad you did. I just lost my Mama last month. For over a year, we were only allowed window visits at her nursing home (through the glass)...very strict nursing home...then toward her increasing decline (parkinson's dementia), she was hospitalized and she and I got to be with each other 10 days until she was discharged back to the nursing home...(even though she suffered greatly during that time)...She lasted 4 days at the nursing home and went to heaven right before I got there that day for the daily window visit (and talk over phone to her). How I greatly miss her! I would sometimes sing little songs to her to cheer her up at her window over the phone as we looked at each other for 15 months of almost daily window visits...don't worry about 'what' you talk about...your being there for her is what counts the most and she needs you (and you need her).

Counseling may help, but you can also get through this without. Be kind to and easy on yourself.

My mom was my best friend too. The time we had together was golden.

She may be in her nineties, but she is so important to you, at any age. Don’t feel guilty for feeling sad and concerned.

A friend greatly helped me when I was going through what you’re experiencing, by telling me the following. You are grieving, but you still have her. You will have some days that are absolutely wonderful and others that are incredibly painful. Cherish the wonderful days. Generally expect the worst, and with these managed expectations, you may feel a little less pain.

Some people die abruptly, but she is still with you, giving you more love and memories. She is probably staying alive for you—she doesn’t want to leave you, because your relationship is so meaningful. She also doesn’t want to hurt you.

On your non-caretaking days, create lists of things you want to do with her, to best enjoy your time together. Not all these activities will work out and when they don’t, pivot and do something else from your list. Enjoy who she is at every stage. Try not to panic. Make her feel comfortable and loved if she makes a mistake and she won’t be afraid to keep trying.

Note the breakthroughs. Was she more herself after a creative activity? Did music seem to reach her more? Did she seem younger after a walk or fresh air? Was her memory stronger when we were resting and talking? Look for cause/effect and see if you can help design more good days.

As for the phone calls, keep them coming. They could be an emotional lifeline for her, even if the conversations are not as spirited as they once were. In the meantime keep on your toes thinking about other causes, just in case that could help. Could she need a hearing aid/update? Upgrading her phone for an adapted (hearing-impaired) version may help too.

if her mental state has changed dramatically, look at her medications (read the printouts from the pharmacy). Does she take anything that has a side effect of confusion? Is she prescribed something that may interact with something else? Sometimes these creep up slowly as the cumulative effect in her body occurs. Lots of elderly are over-medicated and the doctors don’t always know what the best combinations are until a problem occurs. Don’t be stifled if your mom’s doctor responds that you are in denial of the aging process. Sometimes doctors feel criticized when questions are asked, but you are both on the same team. Leave no stone unturned. Never remove any medications without medical direction.

LindaC11: I feel for you; I really do. I would also telephone my mother every day - sometimes twice or thrice a day. It soon became apparent that my late mother could not communicate well by telephone any longer, as she talked over me. However, at least she spoke. Whether you and your mother speak only of the weather or anything at all is very special. God bless you.

For what it's worth, you dont come across as shallow or selfish. You wouldn't have taken the time to create this post if you were.

First off, I would suggest you go over and visit your mom. Get out the old photo albums and allow her to reminisce.

The second suggestion is for you to find something to do like join a seniors group.

Yes it is very hard to be in your situation, I have been there a few times.

First off, your grief at the potential of losing a mother who loves you and is your best friend is an awful thing to face. I was reading the comments here and was quite taken aback by one that I need not mention. You, like myself, have been lucky to have good mothers and did not suffer abuse at their hands but that does not mean you have no right to feel how you feel.
I don't think the conversations need to be long, keep them short with a good story and something that will make her laugh, just calling her everyday is the important part. Go for quality over quantity.
Counselling is always great idea for anyone. That way you can focus on enjoying your time with your mum instead of being saddened by it but also focus on building up your own life

And to (some of) the people of the forums, lets keep this a safe place where we don't judge others struggles as being less worthy of attention than our own.

When I vent about my 94 y/o mother to my 28 y/o daughter who's an RN, she keeps repeating (over & over again) to 'go get therapy' or 'go get counseling'. Which irritates the snot out of me b/c I've been down that road in the past. And guess what? Nothing changed. And nothing will change, either, unless the 'counselor' or 'therapist' can stop my mother from having dementia and repeating the same things over and over again, or complaining about the same things over and over again, or insisting that I should move her in here with me, or that one of 'the family' (who are all dead) should move her in with them, etc etc.

Nobody can fix dementia. Nobody can fix the broken mind of the person suffering from it or the daily turmoil the 'child' has to suffer when calling the parent to talk on the phone. Or driving over to see them. It gives me a stomach ache every single time. It's rare that we're able to have a pleasant conversation, or a real conversation of any kind, or a nice visit. It's always strewn with a lot of cussing (on her part) and name calling and general angst/agitation/complaining about everything from the food to the other residents who live with her in the Memory Care ALF. She often hangs up on me, too. The whole thing is nerve wracking.

If others want to tell you it's 'shallow' or 'selfish' of you to feel depressed or upset with this situation, that's flat out wrong in my opinion. We're all entitled to feel whatever emotions we FEEL. We've lost, or are losing, our mothers to an ugly disease that makes them impossible to talk to; to interact with; to deal with in general. The argumentativeness is beyond belief; just that alone is enough to make any attempt at 'conversation' impossible, at least in my case.

Feel however you need to feel. Get it off your chest. Come here to vent & to get support in general, from most people who understand and empathize with you. Take what you like & leave the rest, as it is with the entirety of the internet.

Get counseling if you think it will help you, by all means. I just don't like that answer as a 'be all and end all' across the board remedy to everything. Sometimes I just want to vent and be heard, that's all. Or punch a pillow and scream. I want my daughter to say Gee mom, I hear you.........I know how tough grandma can be and what a horror show it is to go over there & have her treat you like dirt. Not "Will you please go get counseling, geeez mom." You know?

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. You have my understanding and support, and here's a hug for you too.

Some wonderful suggestions and answers here. Please know that we are always here for each other.
Sometimes it is nice to enjoy the quiet. No conversation - just sitting on the porch at sunset, humming a song listening to the birds, you can watch and imprint on your brain each wonderful line of your best friend's face. Sometimes we would hold hands. Yes.... I should have been in the house cleaning or thinking of tomorrow's dinner after work but ...... the setting and and the time was so tranquil and peaceful for both of us. I remember we smiled at each other and held hands for a while. It's one of the great memories I have of my Mom now.
As some else just said......... life changes. You can't control the change but you can control you're reaction to it.

I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. Sometimes we get so focused on our careers and workspace, we forget to develop other interests. So think about what you might like to venture into as a hobby..... drawing, painting, music (the largest group of people learning to play piano in the US today are over 65), photography (digital photography is a wonderful outlet and some of the editing packages can make you another Ansel Adams in a year or so! - ok ...not really but you get my meaning..... it's fun, it's creative, it gives you something to talk about and you meet new people). I met a great group of people five years ago when I signed up for a photo shoot course at Gettysburg by sunset. I had the cheapest camera and was clueless about ISOs and F stops but they had a blast teaching me. We still are in contact today (and my photos have gotten better); Sports ?........... golf, horse back riding (yeah there are a bunch of us old ladies riding in our 70s; Gardening...... the monarch butterflies need your help . Yes, you may have to force yourself into some of these thing but think about.... your Mom.... your bbf.... will never consider you boring and wants you to live your life to the fullest. Start now while she can enjoy watching you soar.

Wishing you peace in this journey. Please stay in touch.

The changes that occur when someone has Alzheimer’s and dementia are amazing. One they are talking to you, and the next day it is like they cannot hear you at all. No reaction. No acknowledgement. No look. Sometimes behavior changes are little steps, other times a leap. A few times you could be fooled and think they are getting better, but later they do not. It makes you depressed and sad. You just have to adjust to the changes, but do not ignore her. Continue to talk and love her. Watch tv with her. Listen to music with her. Read to her.

Linda,

I posted early on. Just checking on you. As you can see by the postings, lots of people can relate and care very much. Caregiving is challenging.

I hope that you are feeling a bit better. Take care. Sending many hugs your way.

Hi LindaC, I too am going through the same thing, mom is 88 in a care home and has vascular dementia. I call her every day, there are days she does not answer, but for the most part, I talk to her most days. I have started to keep a journal of our conversations, the laughs, sadness and what she remembers from before I was born. I know my journal will give me comfort when she is gone. I have noticed a decline lately after the heat wave a couple of weeks ago. Where she is, and what time of day has really been confusing for her, also who she talked to or who came to visit her can be a mystery to her. On the phone, we talk about what she is wearing today, what she ate, the other residents... we have given each one nicknames, so I know who she is talking about. Grumpy, Smiley, Sparkles etc.... I tell her I love her and we have a "See Ya Later Alligator" ending, just to see how she is with the After Awhile Crocodile then we laugh. After our calls, I feel really good, then I feel sad depending on how cognitive she is. I too am grieving the loss of "the mom I knew", but have found that I have met a more "real" mom now that her filters are gone. No longer any defensiveness, stubbornness, bitterness, jealousy, just an acceptance of the past and present. She is still vain and has her humour... which I am grateful for. So I guess what I am saying is she is still your best friend and you are hers. Have you discussed how she feels about leaving this world, and how much you will miss her?

I am on Prozac and it has helped me during this time, I agree with the other comments, a therapist would be a good idea if this feeling carries on. I focus on the present, as it is too scary for me to think about when she is gone. I know logically it is inevitable, but emotionally, I can not bring myself to think about it. So I put it in a compartment in my brain, and carry on. I wish mom would stop thanking me for being there, because it feels like a goodbye to me. I just say, "you are my mom, and I love you".... I see I have talked more about my situation than giving you a solution; in short, I will always wish that I had done more or I asked more questions. Be kind to yourself, and yes find something you love to do and create a community in that circle. Retirement can be a grieving time as well. Your mom will be happy to see that you are happy outside the parameters that you two share. Sometimes I make up crazy stuff to discuss with mom, a little gossip or something inappropriate. Everyone is so nice to little old ladies, mom likes a little spice in the conversations.... so I give her some hot salsa.... lol

You’re doing great. Some parts of life are down. A therapist is a great idea...give it a go.

Glad you're checking in on your mom. She and you need this to know she is doing OK.

Consider that the scope of your mom's world has gotten a bit smaller. Her home and maybe the neighborhood is now her world. I would suggest focusing on those topics: weather (yes), meals, movies on television (even if they are really old ones), what is growing/blooming in the yard...

Consider expanding her world and yours but introducing fun elements throughout the week. I suggest you expand your world in new hobbies, maybe volunteer work, travel a bit, meet with friends or groups where you can make some new friends.. Expand your mom's world by sending your mom flowers or treats during the week, take her on short trips, try new foods together...

Dr. Kubler-Ross suggests that there are 5 stages of loss.
Stage 1 - Denial - the shock that occurs when there is a major or sudden unpleasant change.
Stage 2 - Anger - the indignation that this change or loss has occurred and feeling that it isn't fair.
Stage 3 - Bargaining - all the efforts to try to bring back what was the usual before the loss or change. These efforts do not work.
Stage 4 - Depression - the sadness and mourning that occurs when a person realizes that the loss or change is not reversible.
Stage 5 - Acceptance - finding peace and adapting to the loss or change.

I think you are in stage 4 - depression. It may be worth seeing a counsellor to help you navigate this stage so you can get to stage 5 (acceptance).

Daily calls when neither of you has great new adventures each day, can sometimes seem tedious, but they are still important to both of you. Sometimes you will just check in with each other, sometimes you might reminisce about past family memories and stories. The regular contact is still re-assurance that "someone will be checking up on me," and offers a small bit of structure to your and your mother's day.

I can empathize, (as so many other people can, as well). If my husband annoyed me, I'd complain to my mom about him, but when my mom had Alzheimer's and her condition made it easy for her to annoy me, I'd complain to him about her. I trained myself to focus on the few minutes of lucidity that she might have each day, and then try to go with the flow with her lack of cognition during other parts of the day. I also tried to find a sense of humor about things. To that end, I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, since you need both when dealing with Alzheimer's. (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) Take it 1 day at a time.

Since you are retired, can you go visit instead of chatting on the phone?
You could do things with her like coloring, working on a big print puzzle, play cards, listen to music, look at pictures, watch a movie, ect.

Read a book to her.

GIve her a foot massage, Polish her nails.

Doing things, you wouldn't have to think of things to talk about.

Install Nest Cameras in the rooms she's in mostly and then tune in using your cell phone or lap too to see how her day is and you'll have more to talk about.

My 97 yr old Dadwiyh dementia, lives in his own home with 24 7 Caregivers.

I had my son install Nest Cameras which was pretty easy and it gives me peace of mind to be able to tune in any time day or night to see how things are going and how he's being cared for.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am as well. It’s about the same as your mom but my mom is 85 and I recently lost my dad unexpectedly so that was hard for her toobecause he was just taken away from us in the blink of an eye. About four months after my dad passed away my mom fell and broke her pelvis and ended up in an assisted living, where she is at permanently now after being in and out of three rehab‘s and the hospital after she broke her pelvis , now she’s settled. I understand what you’re saying, it breaks my heart every time I walk out of that apartment seeing her sitting in that chair and she never had a choice on where she was going or she didn’t have a say on anything. She seems happy enough though, after they lifted the Covid restrictions they started doing more with her so she seems more aware and she seems to remember things more , I think because her brain is being used. But I understand the grief and the sadness and I actually had to join a grief group because I just needed to process everything that was happening and I’m still having issues it just takes time and I agree with the other people , you need to get involved in things, if you sit around and ruminate on it it just gets worse and worse and worse. Good luck to you and your precious mom🥰

LindaC11,

You would do well to proof read your posts before posting them.
This way you won't have to edit them later or rewrite the entire thing like you've done here.

Try meditation.take an interest in a tv program she likes at night time.take her flowers.Send her cards.you go do stuff you used too take in a afternoon movie,walk around the mall.me and my husband moved in with my mother in-law 3yrs and she is homebound quadriplegic.its very overwhelming.you have to remember they love you.

Another way of describing it is "ambiguous grief." Your mom is still physically here, but not emotionally available to you. You are grieving the mom you lost, that you could talk to for a hour or two. It is perfectly normal, and not wrong.
I felt ambiguous grief when my mom was alive. She just wasn't the person I remembered. I could love and take care of the new person she was, but I missed the person she used to be. I understood what was happening, and dealt with it ok, but oddly enough, once my mom passed away, I got angry when people acted like I was suddenly grieving. I feel like I grieved for my mom two years before she died.
Anyway, it does help to find other roles in your life. You just lost your role as a working person. Can you find a role volunteering somewhere? Spend more time with other family members or other friends? Take on a part time job doing something you always wanted to do? Start a hobby?

Find a support group or someone else who’s been in your place. Talk about it. Find something you enjoy and embrace it. It could be reading novels, calling a good friend, whatever might lift your spirits. I’m the primary Caregiver for my husband who is at home with me. I have a Homecare person coming 2 days a week. So I have some relief. It IS stressful but you will make it through.

I am so sorry..I had the same depressed feeling..it is called Anticipatory Grief.. you grieve before they are gone. I went for counseling {took 3months} and now I can enjoy what is left of my mom..please try counseling..I can feel joy again in the little things we share..God Bless you…

God bless you for caring enough to b there for your mother. Take a deep breath. I can SO relate. I have been grieving my parents for years , probably way before I needed to. But it is extremely difficult to watch them decline . My Mother went thru cancer 45 she is 81 now and she was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimers.
My Dad is 83, he had open heart in 2015 plus his dementia is getting more and more.
I moved back in with them in 2003 to help take the pressure off my Dad.

Hang in there, take deep breaths and prayers helps me. I prayer for the strength of 10 men and patience.

We are Christians and believe in the Holy Bible. I started to inscribe "We have all eternity"
Dad always says death is not the end, it's the beginning of our eternity. Keep the faith.

Jesus showed us on the cross and conquered death with many many many who witnessed him raising from death and a accending to heaven. You have to want to seek his peace on your own.

I just wanted to share what gives me peace and hope.

Prayers for you and your Mother.

In going through the 5 stages of grief, it's easy to get stuck in one stage, especially anger or depression. It sounds like you are experiencing this depression in both the loss of your job and the loss of your close relationship with your Mom. A therapist would definitely help you sort this out. Journaling helps sometimes, also. Every morning when you first get up, jot down what you are feeling that day. Most everyone on this forum understands the pain you are going through. I'm praying right now that God will surround you with His arms of love and help you to move forward. ((Hugs!))

Whoa. Some people are so quick to lash out on a board, and I'm sure they'd refrain from speaking that way to someone's face. It would be a nice thing if this was a soft place to land so to speak, but I guess not everybody feels that way.

LindaC11, I think you are a saint for calling your Mom everyday. You are doing much better than I am. Feeling depressed is a normal reaction. You've gotten a lot of good advice here on why self-care is so important. You have a lot on your plate. You no doubt have heard what has been said about the empty vessel - you have nothing left for others when you're running on empty. Do something nice for LindaC11 so you feel recharged to take on the hard stuff. Good luck and hugs.

Hi Linda,
First, caregiving is so very difficult for many people. The changes in function of the aging is not easy. I once heard a very wise and seasoned woman say that depending on family members to serve as our very best friends can often be disappointing...for various reasons. Also, not going out of our inner circle hinders us from growing as "individuals" and becoming all they we were created to be. Additionally, it's easy to get caught up in being a "total rescuer"...which has downfalls as well. As adults, we need to detach from our families of origin in order to move forward and thrive. I realize this sounds a bit deep or "woo woo!" Here are a few things that have helped me:
1. Write on paper how you would like to "see" your life.
2. Review what you wrote at least once a week.
3. Buy or create something for yourself...that "you" like...not what you think your mom would "think" you like.
4. Start distancing yourself a bit. Send small notes and cards to your mom, but don't feel oppression if you decide not to call her.
5. Get physically active daily. A 5 minute walk is a great start!
6. Go somewhere different.. a group... volunteer...even if you find yourself miserable...reward yourself with something you like.

I think sadness can hit at very unsuspecting times, too. However, I think we all need to find ways to become excited about living the days we have left and thrive to our fullest. You can do great things, Linda! Sending you a big hug and lots of positive thoughts!

You’re grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. She’s still alive. Even if your conversations aren’t as long, it still is a happy & healthy thing to talk frequently even if briefly. Declining is natural. But is she living alone? It may be time to move her in with you or a relative to hire 24/7 care. Positivity is a choice & it starts with doing things that make you happy so you’re in a good place. Make a list of all the things that make you smile, no matter how small. Incorporate them all into your day many times. Then add gratefulness & thankfulness for everything good in your life & that she is still here. Jot down topics to talk about with her, but just hearing your voice talking about anything at all shows her how much you care ❤️

You are correct. It does sound shallow and selfish. Your 96 year old mother who still lives on her own with help, and who you don't have to take care of is declining some. She can't talk on the phone with you for an hour or two anymore and this kind of ruins your day.
Well, suck it up buttercup. You are extremely fortunate that you don't actually have the burden of being a caregiver to your mom. That your relationship with her was great your whole life. That you never had the dysfunction and abuse so many of us here grew up with, and then we end up being caregivers when our abusers become elderly and the F.O.G. sets in. Or we fell on hard times ourselves and moved back with an abusive parent.
You don't have any of that, What you do have is a lifetime of a cool mom that you love and are actually friends with. Want to trade?
Still, I understand your frustration because it happens to everyone who has elderly loved ones with dementia.
You need a social life for yourself that isn't about your mother. Since you're retired you can do volunteer work with causes of your choice to get out and meet people. Join a senior center yourself (if you're old enough). Become active on social media more. These are all things you can do that aren't just about you and your mother. Good luck.

My mom can’t use a phone and before her speech deteriorated she would get so mad because we didn’t talk in the phone. She couldn’t hear me even if we FaceTimed. Now that I can visit we don’t FaceTime anymore. Her speech makes no sense but I just agree with her and we watch tv. It’s heartbreaking.