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It's been a while since I last wrote to you all. I lost my Mom August 15th 2017. The end was just terrible. I have never been the same since this took place. I had 5 years taking care of Mom and do not regret a minute. I know I was not at my best during this time, trying to hold down a demanding job, taking care of a special needs son almost by myself. I did have a wonderful caregiver to help me for quite a while but my sister convinced me that there was something wrong and I did not call her back to work. I ended up hiring a supposed friend of 12 years that stole off of my Mom and totally took advantage of me during my grief.


Unbelievable what people will do to you when your out of your mind with grief. I have no idea what happened. I went to work everyday and did my best. I actually threw myself into my job. When Mom started going down hill and was in Hospice my Husband had heart issues and had to have Heart Surgery it was just one thing after another. I have always been such a strong person but this took me to my breaking point. At the same time I started having such bad chest pains they were running all kinds of tests on me for my heart and artery's due to my fathers background.


During the whole time, I have one sister and one niece that live in Ohio, I live in Texas. The whole 5 years they absolutely refused to even try to lift a finger and they just kept saying I'm not helping its your job and deal with it. We fought so bad and although I try to forgive I just can't forget. Any relationship that we had is gone except the occasional phone call and then I will try to pretend that everything is fine. Which the phone calls are less and less. Of course the last week of Mom's live my sister showed up as the caring daughter. (Please don't take that wrong, I'm so glad she was there). Since loosing Mom its been very bad. I can't seem to get my happiness back, I have let my house go and I use to scrub it every weekend, I just don't seem to care of have any energy. My Husband's work takes him out of town about 20 consecutive days at a time and to be honest Its good because I try so hard to act normal when he is at home but I know I'm not so to me I miss him but feel its better when he is gone. I'm sorry this is so long but I have no place to turn and I'm really starting to worry that I will never be happy again.


The last couple weeks have been so bad!!! It was Mom's birthday and now in a couple weeks its the anniversary of her death. I don't say anything to people because they think that I'm just nuts for letting the grieve go on so long and I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me also. I feel so alone and almost like an orphan. I know your suppose to look to the future, not stay in the present and learn and move on from the past. I use to be such a happy, optimist person, but that person disappeared a long long time ago and I just want me back. I could go on for hours, I have held this in for almost a year. I use to write to all of you but even stopped that. I have a high position at work and I try so hard to be nice to everyone, I just do not have mean in my vocabulary but my work is a very back stabbing business and people who were suppose to be my friends have really stabbed me so hard knowing that I'm not the same that I use to be. I hate Gossip and back stabbing so I have actually pushed everyone out of my life. The caregiver that I had that was so good to Mom has become one of my best friends, well she became sick so I moved her in with me, she is doing well now but I want her to stay for company and she helps me so much. She understands what's going on and has been there herself. I have gone to Doctors, I have gone to psychiatrists, they all tell me that I know what is wrong and there is nothing that they can do. The Doctor I believe thinks I'm crazy and tried to put me on anti psychotics. I was so mad!!! I actually caught the nursing home without permission over medicating my Mom with Anti psychotics, This through her into a tail spin and is what actually took her down. I just caught it too late, I feel guilt that I did not know what they were doing until the medicine bill came in and then we stopped it Immediately by moving her. I tried to go after the Doctors license through the medical board, I found she had already been indicted for over medicating the elderly and causing an early death. Believe it or not an investigation was opened but I received a letter that they found no wrong doing. I'm just so lost, If anyone has any suggestions on how to pull myself out of this funk please let me know.

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Aveeno, I'm so sorry for your loss and your troubles.

With regard to antipsychotics, one of my friends fell into a deep depression last year and was hospitalized. Several different antidepressant meds were trialed. What finally worked was Seroquel, which is an atypical antipsychotic. My husband has been on Abilify, another atypical antipsychotic, to increase the effect of the antidepressant he was on post open heart surgery.

If a doctor wants to prescribe you an " antipsychotic", it doesn't mean s/he thinks that you're crazy. It means that the doctor thinks that the med will help you.

You should certainly seek out a second opinion of you think that other meds might be better, but please don't rule out that these meds might help!

And definitely find a talk therapist. You aren't grieving "too long" or anything like it! You need support and compassion and the right therapist will provide that.
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I'm sorry for your lost. It seems you were very close with your mother. I have a question, Did you return to work immediately after your mother transcended? Did you take no time for yourself to just be?. Did you do things with her before the disease took over? Like vacations, shopping, etc. What I'm trying to get at is, remembering what made you and your mother happy, do those things in remembrance of her, try not to focus on the pain and embrace the joy
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Aveeno Aug 5, 2018
My Parents moved about 16 years before I lost her. I lost my Father in 2005. We were very close, I called her usually 2-3 times a day. I live in Texas and they lived down the street, they moved to Virginia but every vacation or every chance I had I would go home to see them. After loosing Dad if possible we became closer. Yes I tried to take her on vacation and we did a couple times, we had a Blast together!!!! She would come see me and I would spend all my off time with her. I have so many wonderful memory's. Even after all this time, if something good or bad happens I want to pick up the phone and then there is an awful feeling that she is not there. One unbearable thing that happened, I worked for a company for 9 years. Even through Mom's illness I would go to work everyday, it became an outlet for me. I worked so hard trying to bury my feelings. When they found that Mom was on Hospice and My husband was having heart surgery they turned on me. Two hours after telling my boss that I would need a few days off, She walked in and in my mind for no reason she smiled in my face, said and I will never forget. I'm really sorry about Tom but I will need to write you up now!!! Everything on the write up were stupid things that was pretty much here say and that it was my word against theirs. I am a very calm person and they use to say I was to calm. I'm not really but I tend to hold things in. I had always laughed and said Really? You have no idea just how I can get, I have learned through the years to stay calm and not show a temper at work but you really do not want to get me that way. Well after her statement I went off, My co workers were shocked at how they treated me and most were just sickened. They all knew me and knew it was just not true what they had said and done. On the advice of my Senior Manager I went to HR, found out that was a huge mistake!!! She was best friends with my VP and they even went to Las Vegas on a vacation the following weekend. All that I was requesting was to go our on Family Medical, you are not paid for this it just guarantees your job and allows you to leave for 12 weeks. My HR director acted like I was doing something wrong and became very upset with me. I did not have a full understanding about the Family Medical Leave, at this point my husband was going through Heart Surgery and my Family had been called in because my mother was dying. They all knew this. I was out of vacation and just restocked and had 5 weeks so the HR director was yelling at me and said what is it that you want to do, I told her all I want to do is be with my Mom, she is dying!!!! She yelled well go then. I got up and left and returned in 5 weeks, I had one day left before my vacation was up but during this time my Mom passed and we had to take her home to Virginia to be burred. When I returned my husband was facing more surgery's and I had Chest pain so bad they were scheduling all kinds of testing for me. Through the grief of my Mom's death, I was also facing that. I could not afford to loose my Insurance due to the testing I was facing. I had flunked part of my heart test and my Mammogram, you let your own medical issues go not meaning to but your so busy trying to take care of everyone that you do that. I only had so many days I could take off a year and I used them for my Mom. Happy to say Tom made it through his surgery's and mine ended up ok at the end. I continued to show up at work for 2 months, I have no idea why after I found out my test were ok and I no longer had to have insurance I guess because I was in a daze and needed something to keep my busy. I did and completed everything that was ask of me but by then after what happened with my VP and HR it became really bad at work!!! This company is know for being just terrible to the employees. I'm out of room so I will start a new message.
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hello, so its almost been a year since your mothers death. have you planned anything special for that day? is there something you could plan that was beneficial to yourself too? that way it wont sneak up on you and make you depressed.

my dad died 3 years ago June 2015. and I handle it pretty well. even right after it happened. actually for the last 3 years ive accepted it. But sometimes when I go to bed at night (especially LAST nite!) where I started to think of him and I got REALLY SAD!

it just hit me really bad. I was thinking of 'things' he would say. and before I knew it my mind was OFF to the races....I had to stop it in its tracks. cause it was taking me down....

I do think of my dad every day. but I feel he is really there in my head. he never leaves me.   

Most of my 'down' moods stem mostly from my mom. who has Alzheimers.

I am afraid tho when she does pass away. that in some ways I will be relieved. because its hard to watch the god awful decline. but at the same time, I think it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wouldn't worry if you aren't scrubbing your house clean everyday! its just going to take awhile for you to adjust? your post is long and tells me you ARE trying to adjust...you ARE trying to find your way. putting your feelings in writing is good to get it all out.
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Aveeno Aug 5, 2018
Thank you Wally, I'm sorry about your Mom and yes, I lost Dad in June of 05. That was very hard and took several years to be able to smile again. I have done a lot of reading and they say with your Mom it is a little different. They say you Mom is your first best friend so it makes it very hard. Your right, I did not want to see my Mom going through the decline, must have been the worst I have faced in my life and hope it will be the worst, only meaning I would never want to face something like that again or anything close. My heart goes out to you. Please listen to one thing my cousin told me, I understood but now I really understand. Sometimes its so hard you feel that you can't do it anymore BUT although its a terrible thing that you do not want to see or face at least know that you can still put your arms around her and give her a big HUG!!! My cousin told me that over and over and it made me feel a little better but when the day comes I'm sure you will think about it and understand more what I'm saying. Please take every minute you can and talk and hold her. That is what I started to do after Sue told me that and I'm so glad she told me and I listened. Prayers for you and your Mother!!!
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Hugs, Aveeno. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still grieving the loss of your mom, which is normal and will take some time. But it also sounds like you may also be sliding into depression, which is also common after a traumatic event and part of the grief process, but may need some additional help.

Have you tried talk therapy with a counselor? My therapist has really helped me to get through some tough times that others have a hard time understanding.

Also, you might check out some grief support groups in your area. You are not alone, even though it may feel that way when you are in the middle of it.

And of course always come back here to AC anytime, we are here for you too. This site has helped me a lot too since I joined a few months ago. Some things I feel more comfortable talking about here because there are people here who have been through the same and they understand.
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Aveeno Aug 5, 2018
Thank you so much!!! Yes I tried counseling but I guess I got one of the ones you mentioned that did not seem to understand. I ended up paying about 150.00 for an hour and the session was over in about 20 minutes, he just said well you know the problem and the resolution so there is really nothing I can do to help. I can't afford to pay that kind of money and I guess I though in my mind well his answer was true so I guess I just need to figure it out. Maybe I will try a support group.
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Aveeno, there is more than one therapist and doctor in this world and in Texas. If you are of the opinion that your doctor thinks you’re crazy, you need to find one with some compassion and caring and a real desire to help you. You also need to join a grief support group. Call the funeral home that handled your mom’s services or your church. They will know where you can find one.

I know what it feels feels like when the whole world comes crashing down on you. You need to take one day and one thing at a time. Always worrying about “the big picture” and thinking it’s never going to get any better is self-defeating.

Try ray to find grief counseling. And get a new doctor! Hugs!
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Aveeno Aug 5, 2018
Thank you I will. I do believe its much needed.
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