Suggestions on dealing with narcissistic Mother (85) who lives with you?

Mothers can be like this when they get old. It may be that they are used to being in charge of the home, so they have a hard time when someone else is in charge. Plus I think they have so much time to think about themselves, since there lives are not nearly so active. If your mother is anything like mine, she takes things very personally. If someone else is just living their life, instead of paying attention to her, she will think it is because they don't care. Sometimes that is true, because many times elderly parents do get ignored. Do you have siblings that call or visit? Those calls and visits can certainly lift the spirits of an elder, more than anything we can do.

When you live with someone, it does get tiresome to put up with a sour personality. You are not alone. I've found that there is nothing I can do to keep my mother's mood lifted and maintain any sort of life for myself. Are there any things that your mother can do? Staying busy seems to be the key to fighting off misery and bad mood. The trouble is that we can't stay busy for them and we can't make them be busy if they are resistant.

I'm glad that you were able to get away with your husband for a while. You can't control how your mother reacted. You can only refuse to let it get to you. The changing of the will is a bit extreme. It would be nice if she were more appreciative of the efforts you make to keep her comfortable, but many elders don't think that way.

I was just thinking of how sometimes I try to get my mother to see things from my perspective or someone else's perspective. She has dementia and is unable to do that. Her own perspective is the only one she is able to entertain. Somewhere along the way, empathy with me got lost. She still has an emotional empathy with her grandchildren that can be a bit extreme (and worrisome at times), but her empathy with me is totally gone. I do not understand it, except maybe to her it is not important to impress me.

I do wish researchers would look more at the psychology of older people. They are so interesting. It seems like most of the psychological works just end up saying "Old folks are like that" and tell us nothing. When you mix in a little dementia they add that it is just the disease. :)

Narcissistic isn't defined as mean and controlling. It means self-obsessed; and Maggie is correctly pointing out that when you get to 85 just keeping yourself going would tend to absorb most of your energy.

Be that as it may. And leaving aside the flippant remarks that spring to mind when I read that your mother's not speaking to you - e.g. enjoy it while it lasts - could you go back a bit and explain how your mother came to be living with you? What were the good reasons for moving her in?

If those good reasons no longer apply, you are free to make changes after all; but it isn't clear that you want your mother to move out. Are you after her approval? Her happiness? Her appearing to be more appreciative and grateful? It may be that you will find her attitude and behaviour less hurtful if you make a few simple adjustments to your expectations of her. It involves hardening your nose a bit, I'm afraid.

PS I'm assuming that the lawyer/will thing is childish spite, more or less? Best response is "just as you please, dear mother" and carry on regardless.

I have a suggestion, get her out of your house. The hell with the will. Put her in a nice care facility using her money and get on with your life. Spend an hour on this site and read all the other Mommie Dearest stories. You are not alone.

I try to do as much as I can for her, I have aides here when I'm not, I do her shopping, take her to the docs, take care of her bills, when I do try and sit and visit she usually starts with mean comments so I leave. I took a vacation with my husband, she had care all arranged, food, pills all taken care of but when I got home she refuses to talk to me. Now she's calling her lawyer to change her will. Really?

Not sure what good reason someone would have to be mean, controlling,etc.

This doesn't mean anything.

Let me tell you something. Every 85-year-old on planet earth is narcissistic. For good reason.