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Doesn't she want the best for her child and do anything with humility in order to give the child a life of their own? What happens if the mother who is 90 now and the daughter is 65 if the mother should live to be 100? Who knows what physical condition the daughter will be in when she reaches mid 70's? Is this a generational thing that elderly mothers don't ask their sons for help if they have daughters? And then it is expected of the daughter or the mother will continue to manipulate and tell the daughter how horrible she is and that she didn't raise her right really laying it on heavy bringing the daughter to despair. I certainly don't want that for my son and refuse to be a burden to his family. Why can't older parents just realize that they had their life, however bad or good it was and give that same opportunity to her daughter? I am clueless. If I have to call Social Services to get her to realize what she is doing....well...that is absolutely the most desperate attempt in order to be free to begin a life of one's own.

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glornorth59, I've been reading your postings for over a year now and I see you still are living in your Mother's house, under her thumb.... at least your son, his girlfriend and their toddler have moved out as your son was becoming very threatening if you ever put your Mom into a continuing care home.

I remember you saying your brother doesn't help much at all... why should he, you're doing all the work... plus if he helps he will also be enabling your mother to keep thinking she can live in that big house until her final day, or until you drop over from a heart attack. Then Mom will go into senior housing to enjoy more years, making new friends, etc.

One time I read on the forums here where parents had given their son financial Power of Attorney.... the son had always been terrible with money, and their daughter was a CPA... go figure.

My Mom [97] is of the mindset that women shouldn't be doctors, attorneys, financial planners, sport announcers, etc. That they should be home having babies.
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I don't think mothers necessarily think caregiving is a woman's job, but they may feel that caregiving for mothers is a daughter's job. They may be more comfortable having a daughter's help than a son's, although I think a son would be roped into the same arrangement if there were no daughter available.

My own mother would ask my brother-in-law to do all the little maintenance jobs around the house, but my brother-in-law has been sick the last few months so those tasks have fallen on me as well. She would definitely drag him in to do the heavy lifting if she could, though!
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Good answers already, but I will just add that I think every woman understands that mother-daughter dynamics are like nothing else. There is a different relationship going on than mother-son, and daughters often hear a lot more criticism than sons.
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These are such good answers. I found myself nodding through both of them. I don't really know if the mothers who expect daughters to care for them really feel it is a woman's job. The same mothers may have never offered any help to their own parents.

glornorth, I have the same feelings as you. I came here when I was 57 to help with my mother and father. I'm 63 now and my mother may be with us a few more years. That means I'll be at a high-mortality age by the time she dies (if I live that long). All of my retirement years will have been spent doing this. That is a very depressing thought.
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In the same way that small children are ego-centric (only see their own little worlds), so with the elderly. They no longer see the big picture. It's up to YOU to get on with your life, once you arranged for your elder's care. You arrange. You don't have to 'do". They no longer command. If they demand, you laugh gently and say "oh, I couldn''t possibly do that".
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glornorth - I feel your pain. Or at least I understand it, and I used to feel it. The answer I came to is that elderly people grow more and more self-focused and less concerned about other people's cares and concerns, even their own children's. I also think old people tend to live every day as if it's their last, so they don't think about the future (including yours). They're concerned about getting their immediate needs (and desires) met. They develop a blind spot to other people's needs and desires, or any other reality.

My mother has become this way also, although she's not verbally abusive to me. I told her once that I expected to end my life in a nursing home because I don't have any kids to take care of me and she acted like she'd never considered that idea (and I'm sure she hasn't). I told her recently that I pay at least $8 in tolls each time I visit her and she acted like this was new information, even though she and I traveled the same road together many times before she moved there. She just doesn't think about anybody but herself anymore. Heck, last year she totally forgot my birthday. The idea that she should do something nice for my birthday, get me a nice gift or send me on a little cruise - she would never think of something like that. If it's not about her, it's not on her radar.

Yes, I feel the same way you do - she's had her life, and now she's stealing what's left of mine. I've stopped feeling bad that she can't see it because she can't. My focus now is on limiting the damages and trying to create the best life possible for myself, even given the situation with my mother.
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