My siblings and I live out of the area, so we have one sister who has been bearing the primary responsibility for caring for aging Mother. My sister is/has been trying to get cooperation between our Mom and the staff who provide care for her in her home. She (Mom) has a tendency to 'sabotage' attempts to help her with bathing/self care by getting dressed prior to the arrival of the care provider or claiming that someone else (our sister) is going to take care of it for her. Is there a good resource or checklist we could provide to the care provider to ensure this as well as other tasks are done, regardless of the contrary efforts or our Mom?
And Caring65, you did the right thing.. good luck!!
I just spoke to the daughter she has gone to the house and told Dad this is not acceptable. They have asked me to go back on my next shift. He is going to apologize for his behavior and agree to what needs to be done for his wife. Not just pushing ensure down her.
Watch this space, I will let you all know how it goes on Tuesday after my shift.
Thank you for all the support, I was second guessing my actions and feelings thinking I may have overacted but hearing you all made me see that I did the right thing.
Goose: checklists won't help if mom won't cooperate. We did have good luck by having the MD order OT, who got mom to shower after we added grab bars all around the tub. Give it a shot.
I have had to ask for emergency numbers and about DNR's.....
In one instance I was told by the husband to not do something that I knew needed to be done with his wife.... as he argued and was getting upset, I dialed the daughters phone number and handed him the phone, asked him to talk to her and I did what needed to be done while he was on the phone.....like Ruth, I use humor..... and a tone of voice that is loving yet firm....if it is something that is not priority, I will let it ride and explain in the log book.....for either the next shift or the family to do... or will do it the next day myself....
It is so important for a paid caregiver to not make the client feel we are taking over..... I include them in as many decisions as they are capable of helping with...for instance... first time helping with a shower.... ' I haven't helped you with this before, I need you to tell me how to do this.... how do you like your water?' ect.....Most of the time it works... sometimes it doesn't no matter what you try..... I simply let the family know this was a no-go this time around, but will get done the next time.....I don't have a list, but the day lady does....mine is fairly simple.... but with a list. and the family understanding that some days it can't all be done..... is a working solution..my primary job is taking care of my clients.....
Even as an independent I think that you are morally if not legally obligated to report this abuse. I'm just sure to whom. Adult Protection Services maybe. Perhaps if his intentions really are good this man could be trained, but it is highly unlikely that he will accept the lessons from you.
I hope other members will have more specific suggestions for you. What you describe is appalling.
"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm going to McDonald's to get four milkshakes for YOU to drink." Is this jamoke kidding??
That guy either needs a virtual slap in the back of the head, or his wife needs to be removed from his care.
Includes things like:
Our home address for easy reference if it's necessary to call 911.
My and Tom's cell phone numbers. What time we'll be home.
My cousin's cell phone number if we're going to be further than thirty minutes away.
Where her state-approved DNR is located. (On the fridge)
What time she gets her medicine. (Daily dose laid out. Pill box locked away.)
What time to serve her meals and snacks. Foods she absolutely CANNOT eat are listed with a smiley face that says, "Even if she pleads!"
List of things she might want to do -- and any paraphernalia to do them left out.
I'll bet if you all put your heads together you could come up with a dynamite list that could evolve with time. Good luck!
My mother had Dementia, and I, as the only child that will help her, I have been struggling for 5 years taking care of her, my family and two houses. Cleaning and financial.
I did have a wonderful lady coming for 1 1/2 years to help daily, and she did her own daily task list, but posted it on the calendar for me to see. Therefore, when she did not get to something one day, either she or I finished it the next. The house and my mom were always clean and mom was happy and stimulated.
Now, I'm stuck again, but I hired a Co. recently, and we are still trying to work out the kinks. I'm not sure it is going to work out yet. More money, less hours because of that, and this new person is not as motivated or dedicated!
Bless all of you who care for the elderly! I did it in my early 20's. I worked in two nursing homes, and I also took care of my grandmother for years. Now, my mother needs me, and like I said, I have been doing so for over 5 years without help from my sibling, just my hubby, and two kids.
Any tips or advice you can give me, or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
Again, thank you!
Tasks To Be Completed 3
Bathing and washing hair
Getting in or out of shower or tub
Brushing teeth/caring for mouth
Assist with dressing/undressing
Nail care (toenail/fingernail)
Brushing and combing hair
Getting to and from the toilet
Assist with using bedpan
Cleaning assistive devices
Adjusting clothing before/after
Coping with change
Help with confusion
Help understanding basic health and safety needs
Responding to behaviors
Changing incontinence supplies
Changing incontinence supplies
Monitoring for infection
Feeding or cueing during eating
Monitoring to prevent choking
Assistance with special utensils
Nutritional IV set up
Reminding or organizing
Checking for effect
Assuring adequate oxygen supply
Moving to or from a chair, bed or wheelchair inside the home
Assistance moving around inside home
Assistance moving around outside
Meal Preparation/basic nutrition:
Placing food/utensils within reach
Taking out the garbage
Gather and wash soiled clothing and linens
Use washing machines/dryers
Hang/fold/put away clothing
Assisting during a ride
Assist to get in/out of a vehicle
Arranging a ride
(for each item, indicate if provider will be
Assisting with making selections
Assisting with money transactions)
Place of worship
I think the most helpful approach is a talk with each care provider. Especially now that you have a little experience with the situation you should be able to provide some helpful hints. "Even if Mom is dressed when you arrive, and even if she tells you a family member is going to help her, we are counting on you to help her shower." Share all you know about her sabotage attempts. Make sure this doesn't come across as criticism of the service provider. It is just information they need to know about your mother's behavior so that they can do their job mroe effectively.
We have some professional caregivers on the forums. I hope they'll provide some input from their perspective.