My 86 year old dad with dementia (recent diagnosis) just came home from rehab. He was there for about 10 days. I’ve mentioned to him several times that the dr says he shouldn’t drive anymore because it’s not safe. He seemed to accept it. But now, back at home, when I revisited the topic - he lost it. Said he might as well dienow, kill himself, he is so angry at me - doesn’t believe me, etc etc. I am so upset and I feel horrible for him but I also know it’s the right thing. I have the keys, so he technically can’t drive now but why do I feel like this is my fault? Also, I removed the loaded gun (that didn’t even have the safety on it) as well But i haven’t told him that yet. I have a caregiver starting this week - he will fight me on this too. I am really at my wits end. I have no other living relatives left so it’s all on me. He lives in a house that I own and he loves living there and I am happy I can provide that for him but he sorta has to meet me half way! I am exhausted.
He won't be meeting ANYONE halfway or any other distance any more.
And the trajectory is downward. This won't get better, but it is certain to get much worse.
You will not have the energy now to waste in believing this will change, or he will be better, more rational, more accepting, happier, etc.
Firstly, and most crucial, is your giving up "feeling responsible" for Dad's happiness. You cannot make him happy and this is not a happy time, and Dad is facing loss after loss after loss now, none of which are your fault, nor in your control.
You are going to have to stand more firm now in what Dad is allowed and what he isn't allowed to do. You need to make it clear his diagnosis and what losses it means for him and for you. You need to make it clear that you are in a good place to attempt to manage this, but that whether he can stay in his own home will now depend a whole lot on whether he remains capable of cooperating or not. That when he cannot any longer, he will require placement, something that NEITHER of you WANT, and that NEITHER of you can prevent.
After that honesty is done and explained (more than a few times; as it won't compute) you need to educate yourself as much as you can (Teepa Snow videos is your new go to on youtube). You need to accept that you are not and cannot be responsible for the unhappiness of someone else, and that your role has now changed from darling daughter to caregiver. THAT is NOT a good change. Caregivers are not much liked. They lay down laws and rules and meddle in the life of the cared for one.
I am sorry. It all sounds brutal when it is honestly all laid out and looked at. It IS brutal. But there is no blame here. There is only attempting to survive best you can for SO LONG as you can, and then accepting the Serenity Prayer's dictates that we MUST have the wisdom to know what can be fixed and what cannot.
I wish you the best.
For starters, do not tell him about the gun. Don't mention it and if he brings it up you pretend you're getting a phone call and put the phone to your ear and walk away. Don't entertain this thought.
My Mom was transitioned out of driving when her very excellent primary doctor at her annual free Medicare wellness exam recommended a virtual driving assessment through the OT department. My Mom of course was miffed that she her skills were being questioned (at 95) but I told her she should go take the test and prove everyone wrong. She took the test (which included a MoCA executive function questionnaire) and a physical reaction test. She failed with flying colors and, since the docs are all mandated reporters, this failure report was sent to the Dept of Public Safety which immediately cancelled her license (via snail mail letter). She was enraged and defiantly continued to drive and I just reminded her that she was now breaking the law. She eventually got over it but not before she hid her own car keys from me so well that we never found them, and also the car title so I couldn't sell her car (but I got a duplicate title).
At least I wasn't the bad guy in this whole thing. Talk to his primary about a driving assessment through OT. Tell your Dad a "therapeutic fib" -- that it is required due to his recent surgery.
If he has any cognitive decline he is not really able to "meet you half way". You are now the only person who is able to change. You don't say why his doctor says it is unsafe for him to drive... is it a cognitive or physical ability reason? Has he ever had a cognitive /memory test? My Mom was still a very good driver at his age and I know because she lives next to me and I would regularly be her passenger, plus she was self-limiting: she only drove a few close places during the day, after "rush hour and bus hour", and only is good weather (so, no ice or snow on the roads).
I wish you success on this journey!