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My 86 year old dad with dementia (recent diagnosis) just came home from rehab. He was there for about 10 days. I’ve mentioned to him several times that the dr says he shouldn’t drive anymore because it’s not safe. He seemed to accept it. But now, back at home, when I revisited the topic - he lost it. Said he might as well dienow, kill himself, he is so angry at me - doesn’t believe me, etc etc. I am so upset and I feel horrible for him but I also know it’s the right thing. I have the keys, so he technically can’t drive now but why do I feel like this is my fault? Also, I removed the loaded gun (that didn’t even have the safety on it) as well But i haven’t told him that yet. I have a caregiver starting this week - he will fight me on this too. I am really at my wits end. I have no other living relatives left so it’s all on me. He lives in a house that I own and he loves living there and I am happy I can provide that for him but he sorta has to meet me half way! I am exhausted.

My DH laments his loss of driving, says it's the worst aspect of aging. I hear the "should die now etc..." on occasion. Don't expect anything to be met halfway. We now shoulder this burden until we break or place. I'm sorry
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Reply to JeanLouise
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My daddy was okay without driving until he wanted to drive one day and then I was the worst person in the world. I had to just shake it off. My daddy cursed at me, called me names every name in the book even when we were out - and would I do it again YES! It was the safest thing to do and I don't care what he said to me because I know it was not him that was saying it - the words were because of the disease. Know that its hard and feelings will be hurt! Know that it is the disease not the person!
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Reply to Ohwow323
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He has Alzheimer's.
He won't be meeting ANYONE halfway or any other distance any more.
And the trajectory is downward. This won't get better, but it is certain to get much worse.

You will not have the energy now to waste in believing this will change, or he will be better, more rational, more accepting, happier, etc.

Firstly, and most crucial, is your giving up "feeling responsible" for Dad's happiness. You cannot make him happy and this is not a happy time, and Dad is facing loss after loss after loss now, none of which are your fault, nor in your control.

You are going to have to stand more firm now in what Dad is allowed and what he isn't allowed to do. You need to make it clear his diagnosis and what losses it means for him and for you. You need to make it clear that you are in a good place to attempt to manage this, but that whether he can stay in his own home will now depend a whole lot on whether he remains capable of cooperating or not. That when he cannot any longer, he will require placement, something that NEITHER of you WANT, and that NEITHER of you can prevent.

After that honesty is done and explained (more than a few times; as it won't compute) you need to educate yourself as much as you can (Teepa Snow videos is your new go to on youtube). You need to accept that you are not and cannot be responsible for the unhappiness of someone else, and that your role has now changed from darling daughter to caregiver. THAT is NOT a good change. Caregivers are not much liked. They lay down laws and rules and meddle in the life of the cared for one.

I am sorry. It all sounds brutal when it is honestly all laid out and looked at. It IS brutal. But there is no blame here. There is only attempting to survive best you can for SO LONG as you can, and then accepting the Serenity Prayer's dictates that we MUST have the wisdom to know what can be fixed and what cannot.

I wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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