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Dad has lived alone for 17 years and is 94. After a visit to the ER, my sister decided to stay with him for a few days. She noticed several concerning issues, including increased incontinence (inability to make it to bathroom), reduced hygenic care (not bathing or inconsistent bathing), concerns regarding cooking (specifically leaving a burner/stove on- forgetting to put food in stove) and decreased mobility. He has shuffled walk for a few years and previously refused to use a walker (recommended by health professionals).
We had a conversation re: these concerns and he doesn't feel he needs in home care or that he can no longer live alone. Unfortunately, my sister cannot live with him permanently, nor can anyone else and he wouldn't agree to this anyway.
Yesterday afternoon, he put his coat on and told my sister he was going to get a sandwhich from the store a block up. He was in such a rush and forgot to lovk the door.
He has a PCP appointment on Monday and we hope rhe doctor will write a script for HHC but even so, Dad will probably refuse and may can't afford 24 hour care. Any recommendations on how to address the fire/stove related concerns? We agree that the other issues will ultimately lead to him requiring other care arrangements whether he agrees or not but don't want him or anyone else injured due to his use of the stove.

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You Can turn off the stove .
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Reply to KNance72
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AlvaDeer Jan 12, 2025
I think I may have misunderstood/mistaken your meaning here, KN.
Do you mean turn off all the gas to the stove? Because if gas heat also I don't know that would work, and it addresses only one issue. People who are elderly often, with a microwave, cause fires by putting microwave-combustible things inside. There sounds to be wandering, incontinence that isn't addressed. Likely now a very unsafe environment all the way around.
Could lead to death. Sad truth being, getting locked in a facility against your will at this late age could result in death just as quickly and easily.
Quite a dilemma, really.
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Your father now needs a guardian. You say "can't afford" placement, and that's what Medicaid Nursing Home placement is about. The guardian would sell his assets, would keep him in care self-pay while he has funds, and then would apply for Medicaid.
THIS all depends on diagnosis of incompetency which means a neuro-psych exam.

If Dad will not agree to this exam, then a welfare check by APS in your area should, in these circumstances, suffice to get it done albeit against his wishes. He would be very angry about that I would imagine. But the options "with your permission" or "without it" can be explained to him before acting.

Option B.
Do nothing. You will inevitably get what we label "the call."
The call will come from a hospital, as it did with my brother--"Hi there! Desert Regional here. You're aware we have your brother with us?"
I wasn't.
If "the call" comes from a hospital you ask for neuro-psyc eval and social workers to place Dad directly from the hospital into care. Dad will be very angry.
OR
"The call" will come from the Coroner, which will go something like this: "Hello. We got a call for a wellness check on your Dad, and we're so sorry to tell you ....."

The sad truth is that there's no good answer.
You can intervene to the best of your ability, clean, have checks on Dad.
You can get Dad the placement that he requires and have him hate you for the duration.
You can ignore it and await the call. There's just not good choices here.
The one thing that you DO know is that up and unto this point your Dad lived his own life as he chose.
Whether that changes or not? Clearly you as a well person know your Dad is now in serious danger and alone. If you read in discussions below I posted about a San Francisco senior, with dementia, who wandered from her home and was hit on the Great Coast Highway--killed in her jammies and robe. 4 a.m. in the rain. The family caring for her remained asleep at home and she simply "escaped".

I am so sorry. It's so sad. Today I must have written "I am so sorry" more than 10 times. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you will come back and update us about what your choices are and why. You will thereby do a service to others like yourselves.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Its no longer what Dad wants, its what he needs. He needs to be in care and safe.

A script for HHC will not help. This is used usually after a hospital stay for Physical therapy. An aide is provided maybe 3x a week for bathing usually an hour. A Nurse checks in once a week. Its temporary. HHC does not provide CNAs around the clock, Dad would need to hire them.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Sadly your dad now has dementia and CANNOT live by himself any longer despite him wanting to.
Incontinence, shuffling when walking, not bathing, and leaving burners on are ALL signs of mental decline/dementia.
This needs to be addressed with your dads doctor as your dad now requires 24/7 care. And he will only continue to get worse.
I hope either you or your sister are his POA, so you can get the ball rolling in getting him placed in the appropriate facility.
And if neither of you are his POA then you may have to wait until an "event" happens as guaranteed it will, before action can be taken to get him the help your dad needs.
I wish you the best in getting your dad the help he needs now.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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If he can’t remember how to use a regular stove, he won’t remember how to use a microwave.

Dad needs full-time professional care in a facility now. He’s no longer safe at home, and even home health care won’t be enough because he can get by them the same way he gets past your sister.

i hope he’s no longer driving. His mental condition is very serious.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You can disconnect the oven and stovetop, we built a garage apartment without an oven because my son couldn't remember he had put something in the oven.

A microwave with a large collection of frozen food options might be the way to go.
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Reply to OncehatedDIL
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