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My sister in law has full power if attorney both medically and financially. My husband has kinda checked out on his dad’s care and the decisions he should be helping with.


My father-in-law continues to say he wants to stay home and my brother in law lives with his parents to help them. Their daughter wants to put both her parents in a home...but has made plans for her mom to be in a little apartment and Dad to be in memory care.


Dad is not that bad, has one son who is willing to continue to live with him, and has verbally said he wants to stay home. Dad refuses to have anyone help with his toe nails and bathing. His son doesn’t want to fight with dad over this. His daughter and one son plan to drug him to get him to the nursing home. I cannot support this. I don’t think his daughter has guardianship at this point. I am not sure what to do but know this should be stopped. His daughter has all the cards and doesn’t care what he wants.


What should I do?

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If Dad is 90 MIL must be close in age. I doubt is she will be able to handle what comes with Dementia/ALZ. This is not a mental illness its a neurological one. He is no longer able to reason if he cannot be talked into getting a bath. This will only get worse. Its better to get him in Memory care now instead of later. An apt may be easier for Mom to care for. Your SIL has full authority to make decisions for her parents as the POA. Guardianship only comes in if someone is contesting a POA or POA cannot be assigned cause the person is found incompetent to do so.

Its not easy to care for someone with Dementia/Alz. The desease is unpridictable. They get like toddlers. Some get violent. I was the POA for ,y Mom. My brothers chose to have little imput. I made all the decisions. Its not an easy job. You hope your decisions are the correct ones. You are responsible for the finances and medical. Your husband seems to be letting his sister handle it all. I think stepping back is a good idea. Your input may not be appreciated. SIL is probably under stress just having to make these decisions.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I don't like your SIL's approach, either. And I don't think you'd find it in any best practice guidelines, come to that.

But, what you should do is stop assuming that she is wrong about the end goal. Sounds to me like she might be completely right about that; not least because Memory Care Units conduct their own assessments so I think it's unlikely there hasn't been professional input. Where are you getting your information about what's been done or arranged? For example, what's this point about the Nursing Home's believing that he's consented to the MCU?

Your FIL wants to stay home. He is living at home with his wife and his son. The wife and son are unable to persuade him to bathe or to accept personal care, and the son "doesn't want to fight with him" about it. There is a big elephant hiding between those lines, you know. What has your MIL said about how she feels? What do you think is the impact on her of your FIL's condition? If she is going along with SIL's plan, that says to me that MIL is really struggling and needs a way forward.

Your DH has checked out. The resident BIL is... I mean this sympathetically... a bit of a chocolate teapot. Credit where it's due, at least your SIL is trying to *do* something about the situation. Also: she has the necessary authorities. She doesn't need guardianship as well.

So. The remaining issue, as you say, is the how to get this done. What do we mean by drugging him? What do we mean by lying to him? And what is your better idea?

You say he's not that bad... you might change your mind if you were there overnight, for example.

If you want to help your FIL, the best thing to do is get on board and help. How about offering to accompany him on moving day? You could provide a comforting presence and keep his attention off the disruption going on around him.

What it comes down to is this. If your FIL's dementia makes him eligible for Memory Care, then although his wishes remain important and you should continue to listen to him you cannot rely on his judgement, which is by definition seriously impaired. His wanting to stay home does not in itself make that possible; and there is your MIL's wellbeing to consider as well as his.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I just want to be clear it is the ethical issue of giving him drugs and taking him to a home, while telling the home he is coming there on his own...not having him evaluated by a mental health doctor, not having guardianship, and not being straight with nursing home...It is deceit and lies upon lies upon lies. It is much harder to help than to just stay out of it.
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Reply to Codygma
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worriedinCali Jan 15, 2019
well.....dementia patients often have to be medicated in order to control their behavior and keep them calm. It’s a sad fact. They are easily agitated. They tend to dislike change and a disruption in their normal routine can cause problems. The safest thing for everyone involved in the move, including him, may be medication.

As a DIL, you have to step back and MYOB. Your heart is in the right place. But unless you are willing to move him in with you and become his full time caregiver, you really have no say in the matter. Let your SIL handle this. It honestly sounds like she knows a lot more than you.
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Codygma, if you feel that your husband's Dad shouldn't be moved to memory care, why not offer to take in Dad and care for him yourself. Then and only then will you realize it isn't an easy task. Memory issues never get better, only worse. It is always best to relocate a love one while they can still learn their way around a new "home", learn the Staff, and make new friends.

I see from your profile that your husband's Dad is in his 90's. Of course, he doesn't want to move. He grew up in an era where the elderly with memory issues were placed in asylums. Dad-in-law has no idea that Assisted Living/Memory Care are more like hotels in today's world.

Who has Medical Power of Attorney for Dad-in-law? It is up to that person to make the final decision. And if Dad-in-law refuses to a point of no return, then the family usually has to wait for a medical emergency, 911, hospital, rehab, then memory care. In the mean time, your brother-in-law is becoming more physically and emotionally exhausted.

If the parents-in-law can budget the cost, both parents can go into a community that has Independent Living for Mom-in-law [with a Staff that is there to help her if she needs help], and Memory Care living for Dad-in-law. Mom can visit her husband as much as she wants, but then can walk back to her apartment to rest up for the next day.

Folks with memory issues can do what is called "showtiming" where if they have visitors they can present themselves as quite normal. It has always baffled science how one can do that. But once the visitor leaves, then the memory issues return quickly.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I have to agree. Let your in-laws handle it.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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I agree with CTTN55. Don’t get involved and just let them handle it. You really have no power to say anything. If you are not there 24/7, you dont know for sure what is truly going on.

Support your husband in this and don’t get involved.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Not your circus, not your monkeys. Stay out of it.

Two children want him in memory care, and your husband doesn't care. He's their father, after all. Memory care isn't a bad thing!
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Reply to CTTN55
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