My grandfather has dementia. My mother has been living in his home and has been his sole caregiver for three years now. He can be extremely combative bordering on mentally abusive (he was this way prior to dementia). My mom has tried to deal with this abuse on her own, but it is wearing on her. He refuses to let anyone else in the house. He recently walked into her room and said he had a question and he didn't want her to get mad at him for asking. He said he wanted to have sex and now my mother cannot even sleep thru the night restfully for fear of him. We know that if she moves out he will not let anyone else in the house and if he goes to an assisted living facility he will be so combative they will kick him out (he got kicked out of a physical rehab facility once already). What are our options at this point? Can someone please help point us in the right direction for guidance in this awful situation...

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Your mom must put her physical safety first, absolutely. She needs to get out. That is more important than what happens to grandfather. Any threats he makes, report them to the police. Lots of people on this site will have ideas, but would it work to leave, then report a vulnerable adult to local aging council or human services? Request a wellness check, get him on the radar as needing care and refusing help. Act now, because he is not going to get better and the danger is real. Hope there are no guns in the house.
Helpful Answer (12)

Your mom is in a very unhealthy and possibly dangerous situation. Not to mention the usual caregiver burnout and wear and tear from years of caregiving.

Grandpa refuses to let anyone else in? Then his second option is a skilled nursing facility. The ultimatum: either work with a professional caregiver instead of his daughter or move into a nursing home. Those are the only 2 options on the table for him.

There are men who do home healthcare. Having a man in the house will probably temper your grandfather's combativeness and they might even become friends. Prepare for things to be rocky at first. One male intruding upon another male's territory may cause trouble but your grandfather is the one who needs all the help so he doesn't get to dictate to the family how he gets that help.
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Your poor mom!! She needs to get out of there, ASAP. And as far as an ALF, the will assess him and medicate the aggressiveness as best they can. Dementia patients are new "people" and don't react or act the way the used to, but this behavior is new and terrifying. It should be taken seriously.

Call APS, report that your mother is living in unsafe conditions. Tell them exactly what you told us. They can come in and evaluate and hopefully get dad out of there.

Yes, it will be a nightmare and not fun to deal with, but really, does mom deserve to live in terror? I wouldn't even BOTHER with trying to get in home care--can this home aide protect your mom 24/7?

Good luck--please don't drag your feet on this.
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Has a physician evaluated your father for medication. Sometimes anti anxiety agents or antidepressants can help with the combativeness. Your poor mother...but some sort of intervention is needed for her health's sake. Perhaps talking to a social worker. Contact your Agency on Aging in your area for more information.
Helpful Answer (6)

Google ' vulnerable dult protective services' and your state's name and follow the directions for can explain in the narrative that your grandfather's mental health has now deteriorated to include threats of a sexually abusive nature and that he is not safe on his own. They will make an assessment and county senior services/county social services should help you with options from there.
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I like the idea of a male healthcare worker. It may cause some initial trouble, as Eyerishlass has commented, but for the long run it may work out well for both of them. Preferably live-in, and she needs to take a stand that if he won't accept this, she leaves, and it cannot be a bluff, as he may call her bluff. She needs to make him understand in no uncertain terms that his behavior is unacceptable. And yes, if he is on any medications, they should be checked for interaction, as this could possibly play a part, even given his history.
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i agree get senior care people involved this is not a safe environment (wow)
good luck
Helpful Answer (2)

The first thing you want to see is under whose name the home is in and if it's owned or a rental. Whoever's name is on the home is the one who should stay and the other one should leave. This is how to handle it because you don't want to kick someone out of their own home if their name is on the rent or deed. If his name is on the home, then let him stay, take her to a safe location. At some point though, you're probably going to have to put your grandpa in a memory care facility equipped to handle this kind of situation. It sounds like he may be in the end stages of dementia if he's violent from the disease alone. If not and this is been going on pre-dementia, then it's hard to know exactly what stage he's really in.  

I don't know why this woman puts up with abuse, she should've left when he first started this. Being an abuse survivor who barely survived childhood (and I lost my only bio sister). As a survivor, I can very firmly and honestly say that given this situation, the first time he would've raised a hand to me would've been his last. One, he would've been incapacitated and two, I would've been out the door right then and there, never for him to see me again since he wouldn't be able to find me. This is exactly what your mom should've done. As soon as he raise a hand to her, she should've already known self-defense and had an escape plan. I don't know why she didn't spot the red flags when she first met him,  she first met him that's most vital so you don't make a huge mistake that so many have made only to regret it later just because you didn't see the signs. I can honestly say she's lucky she's still alive because many abuse victims have died from physical abuse. My only bio sister was killed at 3 1/2 to 4 years old and she's buried somewhere up in Lorain Ohio in the baby section of the cemetery. This is still on public record, and if you're one of those people who looks up stuff in the old newspapers, it would probably be on microfilm since it happened in 1965. If you ever get up to Lorain Ohio and stumble across the articles of a toddler killed in Lorain County Ohio in around April 1965, you'll see what abuse can do to anyone young or old. If it can happen to my sister, it can happen to anyone, even your mom. In fact, I can just about bet you that since this is been going on quite a while and she's been trying to deal with it, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your mom has actually been treated for past injuries and maybe even hospitalized. Of course, not everyone who is physically abused actually lands at the hospital, but I'm telling you, many do. Maybe you should pick up the phone and give Steve Wilkos a call, Steve actually specializes in these types of cases where abuse is involved, and he can even come to your town if necessary. In fact, his first rescue was just that, he came to the home of an abuse victim and rescued her from her abuser. In fact, before you finish reading this, someone somewhere in the world will die from abuse. Many people die from abuse each day, but it doesn't have to be that way. I must warn you something that you're probably starting to realize is that the abuse cycle never really just "goes away" on its own without the abuser's desire to change. In fact, I can honestly say with actual proof that the abuse will worsen sometime. Those "good" times only trick victims into thinking things have changed or will change, (but they never do). I fell for the same false hope over and over and over throughout the 13 years I lived with my parents until my eventual rescue by the CPS. I was under protective custody, and now I think I know why I never knew where I was going until the day I was moved to a new place.

Just from experience with my parents, it sounds like there is a strong chance this particular man may have actually been an alcoholic, alcoholics are notorious for abusing others. Another thing that can actually cause abuse is drug addiction. People do stuff stoned, drunk or high that they would never do sober. If you ever notice destroyed items around the house, chances are very high they may very well belong to your mom if she happens to have any of her stuff at this house. Abusers are notorious for destroying victims things and even hurting animals. I guarantee you this man won't stop at just people or animals. If they abuse people, they'll probably abuse animals or vice a versa. I can also guarantee you that someone is in a position to be able to do something about the household abuse. If someone knows of it (and you do) those who know and do nothing are just as bad as the abuser. Yes, you really need to intervene and even get the cops and APS involved before your mom gets killed because it's risky to stay when there's abuse of any kind occurring. The family needs to do an intervention, there is power in numbers and if you've known this all along, I must ask you why haven't you done anything to stop it? If by chance you know on all along this was going on, you're just as bad as the abuser. If you didn't know until now, then now is the time you have a responsibility and you need to step up to the plate and do something now. Anytime you see something, you really need to get involved and it starts by saying something. Don't just say something or not do something. What if this were your life in danger? Yes, you would be doing everything you could to get out if you weren't one of those people who chose to stay. Your mom is hanging on to false hope that things will change, they never will. Look how long this is been going on. Look where she's at now and now look back at how far back this all started. Has it changed? The answer is no! It's self-explanatory. If it hasn't changed by now as long as this is been going on, you already have your answer because if it hasn't changed by now it never will and she really needs to seek refuge. Someone should also stay with her and not let her be alone when she's taken to safety and hopefully as far away from him as absolutely possible. Make it impossible for her to ever go back and she'll thank you later. You may say that it's very hard to see the big picture as long as you're on top of it. Make her step back and see the big picture and at some point she'll realize what she got into. 

If there are children in the picture: 

Another thing to think of is the safety of any young children who happen to be in the picture. I don't know who the parents are but if this is been going on all along with young children in the household, I personally would've had CPS involved and the children removed from the home because if this is been going on a while and children are around, they're definitely in danger! 
This abusive man doesn't deserve grandparent rights if he has grandkids, someone needs to take those kids and run fast and far from this man or the CPS will remove them and the parents may never see them again, and in this case it serves them right if they knowingly bring their kids around this abusive man. 
Helpful Answer (2)

FIRST GET HER A LOCK FOR INSIDE DOOR TO KEEP HIM OUT - Eyerishlass has a good idea - your mom is being mentally abused by her dad - I'm guessing because you're old enough to ask for help here so she is at least 50 & granddad is at least 75 - she needs protection then sort out the nasty piece of work that is granddad -

'He won't let anyone in the house' is not right because if he was strong enough to physically bar them then he wouldn't need care - go there with others to help & if he rants & rave ... so be it - if he calls police, then they will see how out of it he is & mom can can have him charged him too - because he has allowed her to live there for 3 years as caretaker/slave/minion so she has rights too because her mail goes there she is a tenant at least - good luck & let us know how it goes

Get that lock on door A.S.A.P. - it takes less than an hour so do it & if he objects ignore him - try to get a lock where she can lock from outside as this is her private space & he can't enter anymore
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She didn't "meet" this man somewhere. He is her father. If he had this behavior all along, (as the grandchild mentioned), then it is behavior that she's been "used to" for years. NO, it's not normal and it IS dangerous and shouldn't be tolerated, but, growing up in a dysfunctional family myself, it's "normal" for dad and doesn't "seem" like it's so bad because everyone is used to it. I agree she needs to remove either herself or him from the situation immediately.

I disagree with "talking to him". He has dementia, he can't be reasoned with. Adult Protective Services and a county social worker should be alerted to this situation right away. Get the process going to have him moved to a memory care facility. Fortunately he will be evaluated and probably given medication to help him with the agression.

I was wondering how to remove my mother from her apartment also. She was very confused and irrational, bordering on violent. She told me she wasn't going anywhere! The social worker that I was working with said that the police can do a physical extraction, if necessary. I would try to avoid that, since it's very disruptive, but you've got to do what needs to be done. By all means LIE to him to get him out of the house and to the doctor for evaluation. Have a conversation with his doctor BEFORE you take him in, alerting him to the problem. The doctor can "order" that your dad can't live alone anymore (since your mom IS moving out) and needs placement in a facility.

In the mean time, your mom needs to be able to lock herself in her room at night for protection. A locksmith would be well worth the money invested. Is there a way you, or any other family member, could stay at night with her until this is resolved?

You could also register his statements and condition with the police. That way, if they need to be called, they will have a record on file of your grandfather's dementia and threats.

Good luck to your family. I agree with everyone, get it done FAST. This can only get worse.
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