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I recently contacted an attorney who specializes in elder care to revise my will after 5 years (last revision was when my second husband died 5 years ago). My biggest concern is that the 5 year old will had named my son and daughter by my first husband as co-POAs, having to agree on all expenses, but my RN daughter as POA for health care for obvious reasons. My first and divorced husband, the father of my children, is now in nursing home with Lewy Body dementia without having named anyone as POA for anything, and our children are constantly fighting over expenses. The elder care attorney said that I should change the financial POA to allow them to both make decisions but independently without requiring permission from the other. Does this sound reasonable? I have expressed to both of them my desire to go to a specific continuing care place (not the one where my first husband is) although if he is still alive when I need placement that would be lots easier for my daughter. It bothers me that my single childless daughter says she will leave everything to an animal rescue charity and not to her brother or nieces, but I want to leave everything equally to the two of them even so. My granddaughters are 21 and 13 1/2. Maybe when the younger one turns 18 I will leave some money to the two of them (equally). I am 81 so I may not live that long. Does this sound like a plan?

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Generally a bad idea to have co-poa, proxy or executor. If you don't trust one's judgment adding a second won't solve the issue. A good attorney can have monitors to help detect/prevent mismanagement.
Think about it. If a decision must be made and the two disagree what happens. Visit any assisted living or nursing home and ask of they had any issues when two or more are in charge. While this can work out, too often it creates problems.
You can have separate persons in charge of medical and financial issues.
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Reply to WinbladLaw
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My mom had two of us listed "jointly and severally" on both her POAs and it worked fine for us, but we are a family who think alike so there wasn't any disagreement. It think that if they have already demonstrated that they can't work together it might be better to name one as primary and the other as secondary. This isn't about being fair or democratic, it is about picking the person whose thoughts and actions are more closely aligned with your own wishes.
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Reply to cwillie
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It is good that you are updating your documents.

In my family I am first POA (Heath and $$) for Mum with my brother as second, if I cannot act. My brother has both POA for Dad, I do not know who has second. Our parents divorced years ago and Dad lives with my brother.

As far as how you leave your money, that is entirely up to you. If you want to leave something for your granddaughters, you can but setting up a testamentory trust in your will. It will hold the funds until the children are a specific age.

In our family there has never been an expectation that an Aunt or Uncle would leave their money to nieces or nephews, if they had no children of their own. By setting up a trust you can ensure some of your funds go to your grandchildren.
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Reply to Tothill
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It does sound like a plan and you can do whatever you want with your money. If your kids are prone to fighting and disagreements, I wouldn’t make them co-anything for you. . Whatever they decide to do for their dad doesn’t really involve you, though, does it? Let them fight it out and stay out of it.

I understand that it upsets you that your daughter wants to donate to an animal shelter. Some people (me included) think this is a worthwhile cause.

Take your attorney’s advice. That’s the best way to do it.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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