Caring for 2 with Dementia in our home. When should we start looking for a NH?

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Getting harder even with aid. They talk to deceased family. Mother is barely mobile, incontinent and dispite eating well, continues to lose weight. At present, she is 78 pounds fully clothed including shoes. Her sister is a wanderer and also incontinent. She gets up in the night often, dresses herself and wakes her sister up with questions. Sister chews her food but puts it back on her plate. Both ladies only move to go to the table or use the restroom. They are confused. Even with a daily routine, they struggle.

Not sure it this is normal but they are truly mean to each other, both physically and verbally. They love each other and have a need to be together at all times, however, they are separate bedrooms.

Medicaid pays for an aide to come to the house while we work but we have to pay out of pocket if we ever want to leave the house. Our children are great and help in the evenings so we can attend Tai Chi classes twice a week.

Both ladies talk to dead family members and swear they are present in the room, however, neither remembers being married or knows who we are most of the time.

Had a doctor visit this week. Mother's feet are blue and her toes are swelling. An autrasound showed plaque in the veins. Sister's feet are also blue but no swelling. Overall, the doctor said we are doing a "fantastic job" caring for the ladies.

We don't want to put the ladies into a nursing home because we would feel bad if they didn't get the care they receive at home. When should we begin looking for a home since we know they can't stay with us. We are tired, feel caged, and need some time to ourselves. We just don't want to caused the ladies undue stress or harm moving them to unfamilar housing.

Please advise.

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Tbwells... an after thought......it may be hard to place the two in the same facility. That may be the reality of Medicaid. If you think it may help if/when you get placement too bring familiar things with them, pillows, afghan etc. Remember to label their names on every item they have as things get misplaced, especially in laundry.
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I would agree and I was thinking the same thing as I read what you wrote. You don't want to put the old gals into a nursing home but you're feeling the stress and burden of caring for them both. Caring for 2 people under "normal" circumstances is next to impossible but caring for 2 people with dementia...well, I just don't know how you do it.

As I said, I agree. It sounds like it's time to begin looking for another living arrangement. But know that wherever you end up placing the ladies they will not be cared for as they would be at home. My point is not that you should keep them at home my point is to make sure you have realistic expectations. I cared for my dad in my home way better than he was cared for in the nursing home and I had to let go of a lot of things so I didn't drive the staff and myself crazy. My dad was clean, warm, dry, fed, and occupied and that's all I could have asked for. Initially I expected that he would be cared for in the manner to which he had become accustomed but that was not reality. Let go of expectations once you find a suitable place for these poor ladies and pick your battles.

Good luck to you.
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Thank you for your comment. We know what we need to do but it helps to hear it from someone else. It's hard for us to take that next step but it's needed despite our apprehension. Not really sure how we can go about looking at places when the ladies need constant care.
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In your burden.... I think you answered your own question. "We know they can't stay with us". "We are tired and caged". At this point they probably won't recognize they are in another place, since "routine" does not help them at this stage. Know you have done all you can..... don't feel guilty because everyone has limitations . It may be harder to place a Medicaid patient rather than a self pay. I would begin starting to look now.
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