Caregiver support when nursing home is NOT an option. What can I do?

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What do you do when you have a mother in law whom you live with, has Alzheimer's, dementia with psych issues has cancer. My husband and I live with her 24/7 we see her decline rapidly daily. Other family offers no support and refuses to help or place her in nursing home. They see her maybe one hour a week tops they see her declining but will do nothing to helpCaregiver support when nursing home is NOT an option., they don't have to be here but we do. What can I do? It has already put my husband in the hospital from stress. he has a bad heart and I am afraid this will kill him. he gets angry saying he will not abandon her but admits this may kill him HELP !!

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you have great ideas some I have already tried. Luckily for us she has yet too venture off without us, we took her car keys. She has urinated so much on the carpet we are having it replaced Tuesday and although I clean the house twice daily she woke today thinking it was the day to install and insisted I mop the floor. Hubby explained that it was sunday and the floor although it was dusty we would wait until after the install to do a good cleaning on it. she pitched a fit so I swept it and let her use the Swiffer on it. I worry about her doing it. She will be 80 this Wednesday and first thing in the morning she is "grumpy" and in the mood to clean. Rather than pissing her off I just do as she says and do the harder work in the house which also aggravates her she says we treat her like a baby and want her in a rocker .. on days like today she may very well be right.
The woman can't get along with her own shadow so we can't really have "company" she offends them too much. I do understand her Alzheimer's to a degree, I have had a stroke and I knew what was happening in my brain but it didn't come out my mouth right. With her it's back wards her mouth moves before her brain catches up !!
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Hi, first of all the people who keep fixing the financial sutuation are missing the point. Sometimes people dont qualify. Its a sad fact of the way funding works in this country. Anyhow. This is what my partner and I are doing. We /he makes two hundred too much for Medicaid and we have no real property and yes at some point we will have to scrape together the grand for a trust so if one of us needs a snf the other one wont we homeless but thats where that extra 200 boes when we dont need a tire for the car....not that that's ANYBODY'S business....its just how life is in the land of the 1%....at any rate....I am on social security also and cant do much, so what we do is we pay someone from craigslist twice a month to clean our kitchen bathroom and vaccuming. We have our groceries delivered and we got an apartment right across the street from a grocery store. The pharmacy delivers. We have parattansit in case my car breaks down. Lately I have been having the cleaning person come in the afternoon when he starts sundowning because I need a nap since he is up most of the night. We get doctors in the afternoon, because, yes we are tired, but at the same time, I need witnesses...lol....and he sleeps that day. Plus the mornings are peaceful. I've been downsizing, a lot. Like tiny house size downsizing. Its too much to keep up with everything. Try to keep a calm atmosphere at home. Lunches at meals on wheels or the senior center. I "try" to go sit in the sun with a cup of coffee when he sleeps in the morning. Get some walkie talkies so I dont have to be in the same room. Label everything in the house. Baby monitor. Door and window alarms from home depot. Lots of extra sheets and towels. From the thrift and sometimes when im too tired those get thrown out. Invite people over for movie night on a week night. Have a church service at home or have the minister for tea on a Thursday. Get books on tape or dvd deliveredd from the library. Netflix. Amazon prime. There is a company called try the world that delivers world cuisine to your door. I try to get young kids...he has two grandkids but I find cute kid videos of kids on you tube and put them on tv and he laughs. Animals too. We have silly hat day on friday. Its a routine. No matter what. He knows that if its a "good day, a bad day, raining, whatever, if its friday, its silly hat day. I have my own room. And he has his own room and even at times our own half of the house. I locked up all the sharps. I got him on the senior wandering off program so if he does leave his photo is registered with the local police. Also the neighbors know he can't hear and refuses his hearing aids...when he sleeps I turn the volume off and leave the light on the tv....thats working. I did a whole other post about his bath ritual....as for me...I have my own medical issues....our life is intense and I get very overwhelmed. I have got the maintenance at our apartment to come fix a faucet...left him there as the "person in charge" and gone out to the hot tub for twenty minutes.....it takes a villiage......catch as catch can
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Kathyy1,
I wonder about pooling resources with another family,
in a similar situation.
I would love to share a home with someone who understands,
and can provide a sounding board, and maybe make this easier on both care givers.
I wish there was a service that could help.
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Maybe you can get the doctor to ORDER the NH. Worth a shot.
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Also, check your state to see if they do have a program that helps pay for Assisted Living and Memory Care Assisted Living when a doctor says it's needed. Often it's available for people who are disabled or who cannot take care of themselves, such as those with dementia. The guidelines are much like Medicaid.

Google Elder Affairs Florida US. You'll see a site that describes the fianancial assistance for the disabled and dementia patients in Assisted Living in Florida. If she is in a different state, you can check there as well.
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If ur MIL has terminal cancer she may qualify for hospice. There r facilities that can do this or in the home.
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If ur family member has no assets, u can apply for Medicaid. But they only cover long term nursing unless a facility has a waver. I can see why this would be a last resort. Who has the POAs? If u have the financial and medical, you make the decisions. I think that husband in hospital is a good reason.
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I'm, so glad you had a nice day. I hope you have many more, but I would plan for the future nonetheless. I hate cancer and dementia. It takes away so much from our lives.
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Thank God for good days. This morning started off bad waiting for her to melt down over coffee. She came home from chemo around 1 this afternoon in a great mood, talkative and joking around. Talking about her day. I had been doing her laundry and cleaning her room when she came home. She went into her closet and came out with a very nice top and sweater and approached me to give as a gift, my jaw almost hit the floor. She asked me to help her clean her drawers in her bedroom which I did. She was very pleasant and was a joy to be near for the first time in lord knows how many years. I love being around her when she is in that frame of mind, almost like she has no "issues" what so ever. We ate an early and laughed and joked. She even gave the dog "treats" which is shocking , she hates the dog. At 6 pm she woke from her nap and to my amazement she was still in a good mood even though she was frustrated she was unable to work the phone when it rang. We were talking about our nails and she asked if I would go with her next week to get a manicure /pedicure...I said yes, of course. had no intention ( can't afford to do it for myself )to get mine done and wham !! she said she'd pay for it. I feel ashamed of how bad I have been feeling about her and our inability to co exist but days like today come few and far between. Also when they came home from Chemo my husband said "come here" and gave me the strongest hug he has given me in years and I almost saw a tear in his eye. Have no idea what their "moods" are about but I am thankful for every minute. I just wish they came more often and need to remind myself that it's not ALL bad... we do have some very good days.
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Worried13, has your MIL been assessed to see what her needs are? I know that the first Assisted Living facility that my cousin was placed did not work as her condition progressed. They simply were not able to provide her the attention and protected environment that she needed. I would explore that, even though you seem prone to keep her at home.

I suppose that her care and placement is certainly the decision of the POA, but I do think I would consider if she were in the right facility, she might be able to settle down and find some contentment.

Some of that can be treated with proper medication. I've never read that Xanax long term is very effective. Others may have a different opinion. Also, perhaps she needs a different antidepressant or even a daily anti-anxiety. Cymbalta made a huge difference with my cousin. It doesn't seem to cause any drowsiness. In fact she seems more alert and content when taking it. It treats both. I would certainly attempt to discuss a medication adjustment if she seems overly anxious or in distress.

Some of the behavior you describe sounds like behavior that is characteristic of a dementia patient. I don't know that there is any way to deal with that except to supervise her constantly, limit her access to anything that could harm her and try to redirect her when necessary. That is a huge job for family members in the home, even if you are a young person, but, it's the sort of thing that the Memory Care staff do all the time.

I'm feel fortunate that I was able to place my loved one in Memory Care so that she is protected and understood. They don't think she's odd because of what she does, they realize that's how dementia manifests itself.

They protect the residents by not allowing them to have tooth paste, mouthwash, lotions, scissors, nail clippers, etc. in their rooms. A dementia patient my ingest nonfood items. They basically toddler proof the unit. A meeting with team at the facility can work together on a PLAN to address the resident's needs and help them find more contentment.

I do wish you luck.
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