Should he understand?


A bit of history first, I am 33 years old and have 2 children, 6 and 3. I have been married for 11 years. My dad died when I was 16. My relationship with my husband is not so good. Since the beginning of my relationship with my husband my thoughts and feelings have been ignored. I have tried countless times to get my husband to communicate with me. He has never been able to as a result of how he was raised. I totally get that, but when your wife is crying and needing you and there is no response to her, eventually she quits trying, especially after 14 years together (11 years married). My relationship with his family is also strained. Three years ago I started to fall out of love with him. Then my Mom who at the time was 54 was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a bilateral mastectomy and 6 rounds of chemo. I live an hour away from her and went home as often as possible to help her. Her cancer went away and then almost a year later returned to her liver. She was given 2 years to live. The cancer again went away and then 3 months later returned again to her liver. She is undergoing her 3rd type of chemo and has been taking treatments, 1 a week for 3 weeks and then off a week since June of 2012. Throughout my years with my husband and the emotional neglect I confided in my mom. She is my best friend and she has been the one there for me when he was not. Now that summer is coming up I am wanting to move home to her to help her over the summer. I work from home so that is not an issue. However, I am at the verge of divorce and know in my heart it is the right thing for me. I am worried however, about my kids, although my husband has been more focused on hunting and fishing than our children, of course until now when he knows I'm at the verge of divorce. I know many people say, if the parents are happy then the children are happy. I sometimes feel that adults use that as a band aid to make themselves feel better for breaking up their family. Anyway, I have been seeing a counselor in order to deal with the grief of my mom's cancer and the loss of what I believe is a failed marriage. I am still with my husband, and my question is...... If I feel that in order to survive emotionally that I need to be there to help care for my mother, should my husband allow me to? He is only wanting me to go home every weekend to help her. My step dad works and things have to be done. And I simply want to be with my Mom. I do not know how much time she has left. He is worried about seeing the kids, however I will tell you that out of a 60 day hunting season, he hunted 53 days and was not worried about the kids or me. Please help me. Thank you.

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What Jeanne said! It's not the best time for you to make any major decisions, just take the kids and go and take care of your mom as this is your last time with her, and theirs too. He does not factor into this decision at all. It's not his mother. If he begins a fight, you tell him that now is not the time for this and he needs to go home and shut up.
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Don't make any final decisions about your marriage at this time, but this time of separation may help you see some thing more clearly.

He doesn't want the kids away all summer? 1) tell him to pretend it is hunting season. 2) consider allowing them to visit him for a week. He'll have to figure out the daycare situation. That is how things will be if you divorce, I assume -- he'll have visitation rights.

The idea of your husband "allowing" you to do this pushes my hot button. Do you get to decide whether to "allow" him to go hunting? Is he your parent or your partner?
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You can not change him, nor will he ever change. If your feeling is that strong that you need to be with your mom, go with your gut. Pick up your kids and walk away and go to your mom. No one has the right to "Allow you to do anything" especially not him. If he thinks he is so involved with the kids then he will need to make arrangements to see them. Do not waste this time worrying about how he feels or needs. You need to be with your mom you only get one chance. Marriages come and go and I really don't think you want your kids growing up thinking it's ok not to be happy or not be in a loving supportive relationship.. It's hard to walk away, but personally I have never looked back and I never will have someone like that again. Life is short. I wish you the best and hope your mom will be ok.
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