Husband with Parkinsons, I am caregiver, he needs help with direction, meds, meal preparation, appts etc. He can not function independently.

Local daughter is POA, financial and medical if something happens to both of us. Son in another state is backup.

Our daughter has recently become detached. My concern is if something happened to me she would just put him in a nursing home, and not make sure he was getting good, adequate care.

Oldest daughter also out of state, who is very involved via phone and visits when she can, feels if something happened to me all of our children should be involved in care for their Dad.

Local daughter has helped with some financial things, but seems disinterested in hearing about her father, and barely speaks with him. She is going through events in her life, empty nest, husband died 7 years ago, and now a new boyfriend. Initially when we moved to be closer to her she was very involved, and helpful, which is why we made her POA, and now I am wondering if we have made a mistake. I try to be independent and do not pester her or ask for help unless I need to. I have decided I have to do this, but it has been difficult to understand the standoffish-ness. Majority of our communication is by text, so as a result many things are lost in the communication, & she doesn't follow through like she used to.

Find Care & Housing
According to your profile, it has been suggested that your husband move into a skilled care facility which you have not and currently will not look into. You do not have any right to expect your children to do the care. Maybe she is removing herself from the situation to get you to understand you, by yourself, cannot meet his needs and the best place for him is a facility.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to tacy022

Have you considered choosing the facility yourself? It might be best to move closer to the daughter who would be a better advocate and choose a facility near her.
Your elder daughter is right, it would be best if all children participated equally in the care of their parents. But that rarely happens. Take charge of the planning yourself.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Marcia7321

I’m sorry you are hurt by your local daughter’s standoffishness, and I admire the selflessness you’ve shown caring for your husband.

As others have said, it would be a good idea to take care of these items now. While older daughter believes all children should take care of their father in the event of your death, that rarely happens and may be impossible given the geographic disparity of your children. Similarly, ‘help’ is in the eyes of the beholder, and it sounds like you could use help now.

As painful or difficult as it may be, you should talk to all children, preferably together, to get everyone’s input before you make PoA changes. Perhaps older daughter is comfortable with ‘visiting when she can’ but not up to the responsibility of regular visits, paperwork, and follow-through of moving husband to her area. Maybe younger daughter was burned out.

In my area, there’s a long wait list for the good facilities. Who would take care of him during this transition? You don’t want to leave this to chance.

Putting my my mom into a memory care center was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so I understand your reluctance. But it brought me closer to my 3 sisters, and everyone has become involved in mom’s care—even 2 sisters who are not local. We’ve become “daughters” again, rather than caretakers. Give yourself that gift now.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Grace1122

We were told we could "add on" to our trust as we saw fit--but something as big as this, I would make the time to talk with an attorney.

You have a very real and serious concern. And putting this all on your daughter may be too much for her.

Also, we need to be aware that as your lives change, so do your children's--one who seemed the best choice for executor or POA has some life changing events and suddenly, they AREN'T the best choice.

Also, the relationship within a family shift and change, constantly. For example, my kids assume I will stay healthy and I will be caring for their dad until he passes. I've asked them what if I die first and they have a whole different plan.
Dad will go straight into a SNF, no matter how old he is. They simply cannot care for him. They've seen what I have gone through and he's basically very healthy---but they have watched me do the 24/7 waaaay too many times to willingly sign on for it. He's a terrible patient at best and impossible at worst.

So---my trust reflects that. Actually, it's a small (not funny) joke. They cannot slam their dad into a home, but nobody will step up and care for him. For me? Yep, no problem, for him? No, he has outlived their willingness to care for him already.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Midkid58

Is husband still cognitive? If so, revoke daughters POA and give it to the daughter who you know will care for Dad. You can go to the lawyer who drew up your wills and add a codicil.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29

Are you saying that you expect your kids to provide 24/7 care for husband. Not a facility?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere
Peacefulgal Dec 26, 2018
No, I do not expect that, I just want him to be put in a good decent place and monitored for the care given, not daily , but regularly. Local daughter doesn't seem inclined to do that.
It doesn't sound as if the will needs to be changed. The will is about the disposition of assets after death, not about care before death. Wills can't be changed by a 'simple form', and if you don't really understand this, it would be a very bad idea to try DIY. If you are trying to change who makes the decisions after you die, then the only way your own will could be involved is by appointing a different executor, who could control your personal assets (ie not assets that are joint with DH), and so might have influence over house sale and/or the financing of care options if your DH is still alive.

It does sound as though you need to scrap your existing POA and make a new one that appoints the best person now. That POA will apply if you are still alive. If your husband is still competent to make another POA himself, then that should be done too. However 'if something happens to both of us' and the something is death, then no POA will apply.

If this is all a bit confusing, go back to the lawyer. I hope it all works out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

You should set up a "Special Needs Trust" the special needs trust would then be used for his care. The house and all the assets could be placed in that trust to it would all go to his care. And you could select anyone you choose to manage that trust.
The dementia might be Lewy Body Dementia and it is important for that to be ruled out as many medications used for many other people can not be used with Lewy Body. And Lewy Body dementia patients can become violent so this might be a concern as the dementia progresses.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Grandma1954

How long has the new boyfriend been on the scene? I don't mean to be cynical about the impact of daughter's new relationship, but if this is a recent development it could just be a matter of waiting for the novelty and excitement to wear off. Have you met him? Do you like him?

When it comes to contingency planning for your husband, you can express wishes but you can't bind future POAs to a particular course of action. I agree with everyone's view that it is crucial that all three children feel included and are free to contribute so that they can support one another.

I feel two things (on current information at least): one, that you shouldn't overreact to what could be a temporary blip in your daughter's normally concerned and helpful attitude; and two, that you must keep talking - not in a critical "what's wrong with you?" way, just in a 'talk to me!' way. If your daughter has found a "keeper" that could be a wonderful transformation in her prospects, and I'm sure you would want that for her, but that doesn't have to mean she's stopped caring just as much about you and her father. Be careful not to let it look like there's any kind of competition for her time and attention.

And two questions: what kind of support do you have in taking good care of yourself?

How was Christmas?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse

You have a daughter that phones often and visits “when she can”. I am thinking she is unaware of what type of care your husband needs as she doesn’t see it.
I would not be too quick to change the current situation. It will be hard to move your husband nearer to the oldest daughter - switching doctors who don’t know your husband as well as they do now, the physical toll it would take on him to move, amongst other things.
Not to be rude but life is for the living. Your local daughter is coping with losing her husband & now may have found a little happiness with a new beau. All your kids will most likely opt to place your husband (their father) in a care center if you pass. No one is going to care for him as well as you will. Yet it appears none of your kids are going to ignore his care either if you pass before him.
I say give it a rest. Yes have that conversation with your three children and discuss what you want regarding your husband’s care. Just because none of them are willing to drop everything when you want them to pay attention and now when one daughter - your original choice - may have found some happiness, you’re going to make a change to another daughter who lives farther away because your original choice isn’t as involved as you would like.
You don’t have an issue with placing your husband (their father) in a care facility when and if you are incapacitated. That’s what is going to happen with any of your offspring you’ve said. Why rock the boat? You are putting one child against the other simply because you aren’t getting the attention you once did.
Spend your time finding a care center that meets your standards and specify this in your will. Make financial arrangements to make it so.
Have that conversation with your children at an in person or Skype/FaceTime meeting with all at one time & let them know how you feel and give them an opportunity to be involved.
I’m sure you know that Parkinson’s is a progressive disease - make sure your children know this as well & relay your fears about care to them. They can’t read your mind. Your children sound like a caring & reasonable family unit and you should be proud of that.
I think things will work out fine and am not sure taking that step to change your original choice may be warranted.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Shane1124

See All Answers
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter