I am a single daughter who lives with parents with dementia. My brothers and SILs will help me sell my parents' home and move from S.Tx to San Antonio to be near them. I have POA and am up to date on their financial information, Medicare and VA info, etc. I also have Medical POA. My father wants to move and Mom changes her mind almost as often as her mood changes (which is becoming more frequent). I've done well with them but both are becoming increasingly difficult for me to handle and the stress is affecting my own mental illness. I've established good relationships in SA (including medical treatment) and do not relish leaving behind the relationships I have down here but know that things are becoming unsustainable. My parents' world became much smaller with the pandemic and being near the grandkids would be a blessing for them. I just worry about the stress of moving for all of us, especially because sometimes I feel almost paralyzed. I fear that all of this might trigger additional (mini)strokes in both my parents. It would be such a drastic change in environment, established relationships with their PCP and other docs, familiarity with their church, etc. Still, when Mom is "on board" our shared goal is to move into a new home up there and to sell this one down here (a process that's already stressful even under the best of circumstances). Moving my folks into AL and while similtaneously finding a place for me to live is not financially feasible. Risk triggering a stroke in one of them? Risk triggering a breakdown in me? Not sure how to avoid or mitigate either one at this point.

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Stress of ANYTHING can cause stroke. And nothing at all can cause stroke if there are problems in the system. My blood pressure with excitement, with "white coat phobia" goes up so high I can only measure it at home to know what it REALLY is. My doc always waits until the END of my visits to re measure because I am so high on entry.
The other day when I had my corona virus shot, all the excitement sent me up to a number you don't want to hear. He made me stay another 10 minutes and remeasured before he would let me go. And that was GOOD excitement! He said "Well if you know this happens to you there are exercises you can do to relax" and I laughed and said "At 78 what do you suppose is out there that I haven't tried".
They measure stressful situations and their affects on our health in studies, and moves, the loss of a spouse, etc cause a whole lot of stress. We recently had a situation on Forum in which an OP mentioned a move, then a stroke.
We all have a different system, a different way of dealing with stress, and the likelihood of our lives and the changes therein predisposing us to illness.
You yourself remind me of ME. I took over management of my Bro's Trust and POA for financial when he was newly diagnosed with Lewy's. and had to move to ALF. I thought the stress of NOT KNOWING what to do, of all I didn't know would literally kill me. When I begged my doc for "something" to take when I absolutely needed it I actually voiced "I am afraid the stress will kill me; I am doing this for HIM but what if it kills ME" and I can't then be there for him?
I can hear the stress in your own voice. I know what it feels like inside.
All I can say is that you are doing what I normally do. Worrying. Following all those different paths to Hades. This could happen and that could happen and what if this or that? And you are not wrong. ANYTHING can happen. BUT, you are doing the best you can. You are dedicated and dedicated in love.
So I am going to tell you that yes, anything can happen. ANYTHING can happen. But more than likely, good things will happen, so keep that possiblity open as well. When these things happen in our world we can either walk away and stick our heads in the sand, or we can act the best we are able to, with the most love we are able to muster up for our loved ones and for ourselves.
I couldn't wish you more luck; I hope you will update us on this journey. Stay on Forum and know you are not alone. And your journey can help others. Give yourself relief of whatever brings relief. A good mystery. For me it was, oddly, watching true crime TV episode I recorded. Bizarre, right!?!
I wish you the best. There's no way in this world to keep ourselves and those we love safe. Not even just standing still will protect them. Do as you think is best for them. Rest in your soul that you did.
My bro is gone now. I am pretty relaxed. But wow, I miss him. I don't go the second-guess route. I just celebrate the love we had, and that we always wanted what was best for one another.
Helpful Answer (1)


Your parents have DEMENTIA. That means that they are NOT able to accumulate reasonable information, assess the consequences of their circumstances, and develop a safe and functional plan FOR THEIR OWN CARE.


NOT FOR YOU YOURSELF to change the diapers and make the diabetic suppers and keep them from falling and keep them on the pill schedule they need, but instead, to make arrangements so that they can be provided with the very best care available to them.

Do not make this the millstone around your neck. They may have strokes or may not. They may get Covid and may survive it and it may kill them. The choices you make on their behalf, with the very best decisions you can make, DO NOT BESTOW ANGELIC STATUS ON YOU.

“When in Life, You Do your best,
God (or whatever extraterrestrial entity you choose) With Love, Will Do the Rest.”

I LOVE the idea of hiring A Geriatric Care Manager. THANKS, AND A TIP O’ THE HAT, BarbBrooklyn!
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LaVida1 Jan 2021
Hi, thx for responding. I like the care manager idea too and will check it out. I understand on an intellectual level that their ability to accumulate reasonable info is diminishing (it's not totally gone, thank God) but it's helpful to see that in print from one who understands. My therapist has helped me avoid "angelic" or martyr status -- it's facilitated accepting help and letting go of things. I'm relieved that I know that while they mean the world to me, I don't want them to be my world. I'm much more open than I used to be. I'm also better at standing up for myself when I feel like my parents are knowingly or unknowingly crossing a line. I find that it's the uncertainty of things that gets to me. But I suppose that's a part of life and for me, a part of faith in God. Perhaps I need to attend to that while I explore our options with a geriatric care manager. Gracias to all!
This will only become harder as you go along.

Please seek help.

You have done more than enough.

Hoping that you will find peace and well needed rest soon.

Don’t give up. Everything seems impossible at first.

Things won’t become resolved overnight. When it’s all said and done it will be well worth it.

Take care.
Helpful Answer (2)

No, I do NOT think you should risk triggering your own breakdown!

It is so easy to get lost in caregiving that seems to never end, but your life and mental health matters, too.

What do YOU want to do?
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Hire a Geriatric Care Manager with your parents money.

I see no reason for you to upend your life.
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