My mother has sit in a recliner chair 24/7 for at least 10 years except to use the potty and go to dinner table when prompted. Over the last 2 weeks she is insisting on going back to the bedroom whenever she has been agitated at anyone. She has also started throwing things when she gets mad. My 83 year old father is her caregiver but fell in January 10th and broke his femur/hip. He just got home last week and this all started about 2 weeks ago. We had a caregiver come in for a few days and their personalities didn't work out so we had to let her go but we think she may have insisted a few times that Mom go take a nap and that may be what started this. She is frail and has a bad back and a neck infusion so we know it is uncomfortable for her to lay there plus she urinates in her Depend often. Once she gets back to the bed it can take up to 4-6 hours to get her to come out so she wets everything. Has anyone had this problem or something similar. It is getting almost too hard to keep her at home and she just screams she wishes she could die and doesn't want to be there but in 30 minutes she has forgotten about it and is asking for food. HELP, our father is not willing to even talk about finding a place for her and insist his children can continue to help him until he gets back on his feet but truthfully we are worn out and can not take anymore time off from our jobs. Any suggestions?

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Now that your father is home but not ambulatory, he can supervise your mother's care and make sure her routine gets back to normal, acting as an intermediary between her and the unfamiliar person.

So you children need to link arms and insist that your parents have good quality help at home from a visiting nurse or well-qualified aide - that means hanging tough and not providing the care yourselves.

The choice is, EITHER proper, professional help at home OR a facility for both of them. None of you must weaken and give him the option of informal help from children.
Helpful Answer (14)

Oh, and the activity - she's upset. Your father vanished, a strange new person came in and ordered her around, she got confused and is struggling to find normality and getting it wrong.

As it's only been a month, fingers crossed she'll settle down again. But disruption to routine can be a real setback so look out for permanent deterioration and be ready to adapt the care plan.
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Mimi, it is frustrating and anyone on the forum who has been through this phase will sympathise enormously.

But, so, where do you see things going?

It sounds as though your father has lost quite a bit of resilience and energy after his hip fracture; and that's only natural - imagine what a blow it must have been for him. But that means for the time being he really isn't up to a daily battle to keep your mother safe and well and do the chores he prefers to handle himself. It's just too much, and will be until he has fully recovered.

Perhaps you and your siblings could tell him that until three / six / nine / twelve months have passed and he is genuinely back firing on all cylinders, then either the help stays (and for heaven's sake get a CNA with proven experience of personal care) or you will refer your mother to APS for a welfare check. And follow through. You have to MEAN it.
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1 - your mom has dementia & not at a early level - he has blinders on about it - often comes out when major change like his fall/hospitalization

2 - she is used to being the centre of attention in that household & now dad gets some/a lot of it .. a case of 'nosus out of jointus' as I call it -

3 - how much of dad's fall can be contributed to his care of mom? is he at risk of further injury?

4 - your dad is an enabler for your mom & from long practise he takes the line of least resistance which many of us have done because it keeps everything on a level - change = not good

5 - he says he took care of his parents - how much did he actually do? I mean hands on or was it your mom & his sisters & he wrote a few cheques - don't ask him until you check with other family members [his sisters will be best source] as he may have a 'selective' memory about this - how much do you & siblings remember about actual care of your grandparents?

6 - what were ages of your grandparents at time of death? - in my case mom said something like this to me so I pointed out that she was 35 when her father died & 48 for her mother .... I'm 68 - that means I'm 20 to 30 years older & still the caretaker - chech his dates etc in respect his parents

7 - your dad is setting you & siblings for guilt trip because basically of inertia on his part ....he doesn't want to make the effort of sorting & moving which can be overwhelming especially during recovery period - tell him that you can help for these 1 time jobs but repeated jobs are harder

8 - get him a medical alert even if you & siblings pay for it - tell him that is so you all can sleep at night - your doctor recommended it for YOUR SAKE - if he falls again your mom will be useless to get him any help

9 - is there no community service that comes around to help with bathing etc? - my mom had this 4 times a week which was so helpful - lady came for 1 hour only

hope some of this helps & good luck because it seems you'll need it - I agree with some of above that all siblings link arms & have an united front
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mimiof3, has your Mom been tested for an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI] as that can cause major mood changes in elders.? The test is very simple. Most Urgent Care places will do this test while you wait. This can be corrected with antibiotics. Then time to keep Mom dry, and have her try Depends type garments.

Too many times we are enabling our elderly parents to continue to live in their houses. I remember my Dad saying "we can manage" back when he and Mom were already in their 90's. But they couldn't manage unless I was helping out with things. And cutting back on the help wasn't easy. Dad finally realized they need Independent Living/Assist Living, but Mom wouldn't budge from their house, so they stayed... {sigh].
Helpful Answer (4)

It is some better but my father just isn't helping us with my Mom. He acts as though he doesn't know how to handle her now that he is home. He was doing pretty good before the fall. He just lets her have her way. We try to get her to go back to the bathroom to take a bath but she gets in her mood and calls his name. He tells us she washed off and should be ok so let her be but in the next day or so he tells a sibling she needs to go to the bathroom for her bath and when we do have a day to go there to get her to take a bath he changes his mind when she starts pouting. AHHH, It is so frustrating. We helped him find an aide but he is now saying he is letting her go because she he isn't paying her to sit on her rear and knit. Well, there is not but so much she can do for 8 hours at their home. She has been doing the laundry and running the vacuum a couple days a week. She fixes lunch but not dinner mainly because he is a picky eater and insist he wants to do it. They are not wealthy by any means and all he thinks about is he can not afford the person. I am starting to feel like we need to let him do it himself and hopefully he will see he just is not able to take care of my Mom by himself. As long as we come everyday and help him with things he will never see that is is not able. One of us have been there for a few hours everyday since he came home for some reason or the other and he hasn't had one day with her by himself. We have brought in dinner and also put meals in the freezer for him to just heat up. She refuses to get up for him to use the bathroom and change her Depend on occasion and he just lets it go. We try to tell him we can't be there all the time and he starts laying a guilt trip on us about how he took care of his parents. I am pretty sure he will NEVER agree to go to an assisted living facility but he may one day let us place Mom in a facility if he realizes he just can not take care of her. It is so sad to see them like this but even with 4 of us it is hard to be there and help. Thank you for all of your advice!!
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I sure think Countrymouse is spot on! Will the rest of your family stick together on this?
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So much has changed around your mom--I can see her frustration--BUT, she cannot be allowed to destroy the home or hurt someone.
Hiding out in the bedroom is what a 2 yo does. In some ways, that's what mom is now. Dad can't/won't see it. This is not an unusual situation.
I'd start quietly looking into ALF's where mom and dad may live together. Just for the info. IF mom doesn't "settle down" and dad is unable to "control her"...the only safe option will be to move them. It will be HARD if you go this route, we had to move mother and dad against their is your dad able to maneuver around the house? That is a pretty serious break and he must be using some kind of walker device, right?
Sadly, mom is not likely to get "better" and dad is going to continue to enable this bad behavior. No amount of outside caregivers can really be on board to help-and I had to laugh a little at the "knitting all day" comment. I worked Elder Care and sometimes, yes, it was very dull. I had to be creative and "look" busy. BUT if the patient will not allow you to do your job, then sometimes you resort to twiddling your thumbs. I'm sure having the caregiver there just made dad feel more useless.
My mother, too, needed to be the center of attention. She "kind of" hated daddy for being the sicker of the two of them. After he passed, she was Queen Bee again and loves attention of any kind. Perhaps your mother has a bit of that in her.
Lucky for them it sounds like all the family is on one page about their care. Having a united front is VERY important, esp if you have to "forcibly" make a move they won't like.
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I am not at all shocked that things have not improved. Please listen to your choices as follows-- again---
#1 Home health aide to "live in place"
#2 AL or NH
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I recall one social worker on a forum say she had a file drawer for the WFC clients. That is Waiting For a Crisis. Sometimes that is the only way things get changed. If either parent needs to be hospitalized again, that is the time you and your sibs can come in and announce firm decisions. "She cannot be released to go home. There is no one there to care for her. Her husband is loving but no longer able. He refuses to hire help. She needs to go somewhere besides home."

Or the same if it Dad who is in hospital.

It is very sad and scary, but sometimes the situation is just WFC.
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