Been a caregiver for 35 plus years in one way or another. First for my mom who had 3 strokes over 13 years, although my brother and sister did assist too. Then for my husband who is totally disabled for 25 years, and starting around 2007 for my sickly sister, and the last 4 years for my very unhealthy brother. Both siblings are older than me, no spouses. Sister has grown children, but they hate her. I had to leave my career in 2006 to care for my husband full-time so we're living off his pension/disability and our social security incomes. He generously shares his income with me with no questions asked, but when he dies I'm not entitled to his pension or disability. My brother, in particular, has never had children or a spouse, always lived with our mother until she died, never spent any money on anyone except himself, and now that he's severely ill with congestive heart failure/COPD expects me to do everything for him and pay for it too. He qualified for 6 hrs. a week of county visiting assistants at no cost to him. He won't pay for anything… not even his own food. Doc said he won't live more than 2 more years max, but brother refuses to go into a home and fears spending his own savings in the event the Doc is wrong, and he lives longer than 2 years. Caring for my brother 30 minutes away and my disabled husband is running me ragged as well as rapidly emptying out my bank account, not to mention I have 3 unhealthy cats, one with lymphoma and diabetes. My sister hasn't spoken to my brother for over 25 years as she knew he would become more needy than he always was while we were growing up, which was bad enough. Anywho, thanks for letting me vent, sorry it was so lengthy. Personally, I feel too many seniors have irresponsibly and selfishly become too entitled in their thinking and have no compassion for younger family members who they take complete advantage of. Certainly, many seniors don't fall into this category, but many do, believe me!!
Please set boundaries regarding your brother's care. He is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for him. He needs to make his own care arrangements without involving you.
Give him a date - say a month or two after which you will no longer be his caregiver. Stop buying groceries for him - he needs to buy his own. If anything help him find the resources he needs to have care separate from you. His case worker and the local agency for aging should be able to help him.
Good luck and come back and vent any time and, hopefully, let us know you are making progress in decreasing your caregiving burden.
The pets in your household also have a right to proper care.
You deserve a much more balanced life.
His entitled attitude is selfish. You have more than enough responsibility caring for your husband.
Please don't let him drain you financially and emotionally.
As for sister, if she is still alive tell her grown kids that as of a certain date they will need to take over her care or make arrangements for caregivers. No need to let her drain you too.
You are right that your siblings' poor planning does not mean that it is your responsibility to care for them.
Sorry, if I was taking care of my DH I would not be caring for anyone else. I also would not be spending money on someone I could not afford to. I would be pointing them in the right direction. There are resourses your brother can take advantage of. You are not obligated to care for him. If my family member had money and would not spend it, I would not be spending mine on them. Call APS and tell them you can no longer help your brother. He needs someone to comebin an evaluate his situation. Let the State take over his care if thatbis what needs to be done.
Ditch the brother. As far as husband goes, when he dies, if you've been legally married for at least ten years, your Social Security retirement benefit may get bumped up to his amount if yours is lower. In other words, if husband's SS retirement benefit is $1000 per month and he dies, and your benefit is only $500 per month, you are entitled to his full amount of $1000 per month thereafter. You don't still get your $500, just his $1000, but that's quite an improvement.
You must file a claim upon your husband's death. Social Security doesn't come looking for you and hand you a check. Call your local SS office now and find out if that rule applies to you. If so, it gives you some peace of mind.
No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it. That's why I advised you to ditch the brother. Maybe he can grow up and take responsibility for himself if you stop enabling him. Please put a higher priority on taking care of yourself now. You count too.
You stop doing what you are doing.
You call the caseworker that he has (I am presuming he has a caseworker since he has been approved for some help) Tell the caseworker that you are no longer able to help him. You have a sick husband that needs your help.
You set the boundaries that you want.
You are not wholly responsible for him.
You are welcome to vent but venting a boiling kettle does little if you do not cut the flame that keeps the water at a boil.
As for your husband's Social Security/Disability. If when he passes away you and him were married for over ten years, his SS is higher than yours, and you're 65 or older you will collect the difference from his and will get the same amount he gets now because you will be a dependent spouse. Don't worry about that. Call the local Social Security office nearest to you and ask them for some information.
If your husband is as you say 'rapidly emptying out my bank account' it's time to start moving cash assets into another account that he does not have access to. He doesn't even have to know about it. You have to look after yourself and can't let your old man spend like you're rich if you aren't rich. So set yourself up a little rainy day fund.
Stop letting your brother play you. You don't owe him anything. If he refuses to go into a home because he doesn't want to pay for his own care, call APS and let them handle him.
Your brother (and your sister, if that's the case with her as well) cannot take advantage of you unless you let them. So stop now. Since your brother already has care from the county in place, though minimal, he can work with them to step the level up to what he needs. Likewise, since he has his own money, he needs to us it, and not take it from your limited income sources.
Please realize you are worthy of having some peace, and not required to continue on this path to well-meaning self-destruction. Love yourself enough to recognize your limits, and to realign your priorities.
Best of luck to you.
While you DID make the choices, it is STILL very tough stuff you chose to take on, and I think venting is totally all right. The lid has to be lifted off the pot or it will boil on over.
Sorry it's so tough for you. I hope that the new year is a bit better.
If you stick around on Forum for a while I know you will not feel so alone in all this, not that "misery loves company" goes far in healing.
Do try to get some time to take are of you.