Mom is 800 miles away. She recently left an assisted living facility where she was doing quite well but was unable to afford it long term. She was not only getting her medications consistently, her depression had lifted and she was participating in daily activities, meeting for meals, concerts, arts/crafts, and bible studies. She recently decided it was "best" for her to leave the ALF and stay with her granddaughter (not a good move as she has her own struggles/problems). Shortly after moving in with granddaughter, she requested to be taken to a hotel because there was a great deal of arguing and fighting going on between the husband and granddaughter and she felt unsafe. Although her granddaughter wants her to live there with her, I can understand why mom doesn't want to.
Now mom is wanting to come back here. Some of you know, mom was living with me after I helped her recover from multiple surgeries/rehab and psychiatric hospital stays for severe depression with psychosis. In January, mom no longer wanted to stay with me, she has a walker and if she has to walk a distance, she is in a wheelchair, she is also in need of a second knee replacement. She was unable to leave my house alone or even walk up to the second floor to sleep in a bed (all bedrooms are on second floor). She was sitting in front of a tv day in and out. Not socializing, and truly depending solely on me to fill that void. I am a nurse and I know what she needed. She did not want to follow through with PT, going to church, getting out of the house for senior activities, go to therapy, etc. I could not sit and watch her deteriorate on my living room couch another day so when she decided to go stay with her oldest daughter, I was relieved. But then after a short 4 months, older daughter threatened to drive her back to my house because she couldn't deal with her.
Now I am struggling on next steps. I had to block my sister from communicating with me as she tells me I am a nurse and I should take care of mom and I cannot leave her in a hotel and tries to blame me for the situation. She told me it is my fault that I had her removed from her home and placed in assisted living there in the first place. (Mom called me crying on several occasions, telling me sister was screaming at her and she felt unsafe there, her BP went up so high after an argument, she had to go to ER to have them give her medication to bring it done) sister did not follow through with PT, was not doing her medications, so of course she did not do well. Mom called crying and begging that she could not go back there, so I found an ALF that would move her in. they told me that they couldn't believe how awful sister was speaking to her mother when they arrived at the home. So I know there was truth to why mom didn't want to go back.
I also know, as a nurse, how real burnout has been for me over the years, so much so, I decided to step away from management. I did visit several assisted living facilities in my area, but they need her present to sign paperwork and complete a physical assessment, etc. i don't know how to help her when she is so far away, but I also know she can't live in a hotel but she does not feel safe living with granddaughter and her family. I'm also afraid if I have her come here temporarily until I can get her in an assisted living, she will not want to leave. Any suggestion or prayers for guidance are appreciated.
As Christians we are raised with a HUGE tenet of "children honor your mother and father all the days of your life". And all too often people spin that exact statement to mean a billion and one things that THEY want. ESPECIALLY aging parents who are in need of care. I have NEVER heard my mother even utter those words (because she hasn't needed to do so, honor comes naturally) but I have heard my FIL say them more times than I care to count - and every time it was when HE needed something.
He reminds DH and SIL that they should HONOR him because he is their father. I like words. And I like to know the full context of things. People like to take things out of context all the time. Those verses are almost ALWAYS truncated for the purposes making adult children feel guilty. And one day I spit out the rest without even thinking. I actually mumbled it and when he asked his customary "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" my DH and SIL both repeated me lol. There is more to that series of verse that people ALWAYS leave off!! "Fathers (parents) provoke not your children to wrath!" or "Do not anger them".
Now, I don't know how other people interpret that - but to me that means that you can't treat people badly, be demanding of them, expect them to drop everything for you and run themselves ragged with no appreciation, give up their lives, treat them badly as children, etc (in other words not earn their respect) and then expect them to honor you.
Translation - automatic honor is not a given. You have to earn it. And just by birthing or contributing to the creation of the person does not automatically earn you respect or honor. You have to do the job you were given with love and show them respect as well in order to deserve that honor.
AND additionally - honoring someone does NOT mean that you have to give up your entire life for them. And it doesn't meant that their wants and needs are more important than yours.
Even if you wanted to take care of your mother - if her needs are more than you can provide for, you have your answer. That isn't something something lacking in you. And you could literally put yourself in the grave trying to help her - but WHY?
So you are a nurse? So what? That means you trained to help people. That doesn't mean you spent long hours training in the areas that your mother needs.
NEWSFLASH: Tell your sister that just because you are a nurse and capable of doing the work of 10 people, it doesn't ACTUALLY make you 10 people. And that one person cannot support your mother's needs 24/7 period. Is she planning to come live with you and take 24 hour shifts? No? Oh...then no vote for her. Sorry.
You don't have guilt. As I have learned here- what you have is grief. That she's not able to care for herself. That things are changing. But you don't have any reason to have GUILT. You have done nothing wrong.
If your sister is so adamant that someone take care of your mother - maybe it's her turn. And then maybe she will see that it's not as "easy" as it looks and your mother needs more help than any one person regardless of their occupation, is trained to provide.
Mom needs round the clock, multiple caregiver, facility care with lights on, doctor on call, controlled environment. That is not something you alone can do. And that's in her best interest.
Your sister is thinking of the "easiest" option. Not the "best". It's always easy to choose when you aren't the option.
(Ventingisback)
Many of us have you out best advice here:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-is-refusing-to-talk-to-me-while-hospitalized-what-do-i-do-next-477369.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Your mother has a history of making poor decisions. I think you need to let the consequences of those decisions play out in HER life and not ruin yours.
God helps those who help themselves.
You are very wise not to push yourself beyond your limitations.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
NHWM
Your mom was in the hospital.
You got her admitted for 30 days to a good private pay AL and were trying to work on (without POA, so she was making it impossible for you to ACTUALLY accomplish anything) getting a Medicaid waiver for another AL.
Your mother threw a monkey wrench into that good plan.
Stop trying to help someone who doesn't want help, Tajann.
Churches tend to preach "put God first!". That's not wrong. What IS wrong is twisting this to mean you are nothing. You are here to serve others; your needs don’t matter. Jesus died for your sins because you are a horrible sinner. You're lucky you can even talk to God, because He is always unhappy with you. If you just sacrifice more, shut up, and do as you're told, God might be proud of you one day (but probably not). In this context, our parents are like the Angry, You Are Worthless version of God. Your parents might make your life a living hell, but you are a bad person and deserve their wrath. You're afraid of God and your parents. Deep down, you feel you deserve the abuse.
Yes, I'm a sinner. And we can't earn salvation; it's a gift. Consider that. When you love someone, you love to give them gifts. Doesn't matter if they can't reciprocate. You just want them to accept the gift and enjoy it. God wants us to enjoy being His! You are His child too! What decent parent would want to see their child get hurt daily?
"Putting yourself first" is made to sound selfish and uncaring. It isn't. There's a difference. It's fine to humble yourself. It's not fine to let yourself stay in a situation that is actively harming you.
The spiritual plane is nothing like the earthly plane. Yet ALL religious texts appeal to the human beings earthly desires with the descriptions of heavenly promises. I sincerely doubt their is a class system of extra rewards and crowns in heaven.
As a former baptist I remember one woman talking about the mansion she would be living in when she got to heaven. How stupid is that. As if heaven is filled with McMansions with some people getting a larger and better view of the universe than others. Why anyone would want to recreate the failed earthly material system in the spiritual plane is beyond me.
In these kinds of situations, the best advice is generally to step back and allow life to happen. When things get bad enough, As will be called by the hotel. You could also call them yourself and report your mother as a vulnerable adult.
See, here's the thing; if you "step in" and take her in, YOU become, to her, the authority she needs to resist. She becomes less cooperative, gets more ill and YOU wear yourself out trying to help.
Far better to remain outside the battle going on in her head. Let APS/social services find a placement for her--one that long term will accept Medicaid.
It’s all the same:
It comes down to the idea of treating others, and yourself, well.
If you were not Christian, OP, you’d still have exactly the same questions: “Am I doing enough? Is it OK to walk away?”
It has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with the fact that you’re a good person, OP, trying to figure out what’s right for your mom, and for you.
I think you’ll feel it in your heart, when enough’s enough.
I can identify with you. I'm the sole caregiver for my dad. I do not have siblings. My dad still lives alone right now but he could benefit for Assisted Living. Right now I do everything for him but live with him because I know I can not. He was verbally abusive to me as a child and into adulthood but I often feel guilty that I do not live with him, even though I know it would be detrimental to my mental health. I constantly have flash backs of my childhood. I'm a firm believer in that if you are doing your best and your heart is in the right place, God knows that. I know that I try best with my dad but the human part of me still feels guilty. A counselor once told me that there is a difference between "being guilty" and "feeling guilty". This makes a lot of sense. Think about it. I wish you the best! I'm sure you are doing all you can. Many prayers and love to you!
JoAnn29, July 8 10:17 am EST
”Honoring” means assuring and providing the best care you can manage, NOT NECESSARILY with your own hands.