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I love JoAnn29's answer.
How much assistance does your mom receive in her "assisted living apartment?" If it's enough to see to her day-to-day needs, how much assistance does she really need from you? If your mom reduces you to tears, curtail your visits! If she has needs that assisted living doesn't cover; i.e. needs that draw you into the picture, maybe memory care is the answer.
Dementia is a progressive thing. It will only get worse. Your mom's verbal abuse may respond to an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. Or maybe not. Still, it's worth looking into. An antidepressant and low-dose Seroquel made a big difference in my mom. They (or something like them) may make a difference in yours.
Abuse is abuse even if the source is dementia, and you shouldn't have to take it. Boundaries still apply. Loving an abuser doesn't mean sacrificing your own health and well-being for their sake. You can take care of your mom and take care of yourself, too!
You don't sound spoiled as you suggested, only overwhelmed and depressed in the face of nonstop verbal and emotional abuse on top of pain from medical issues. Anyone would be burned out in similar circumstances. And you're right. As insults stack up, love takes a beating, and after awhile, compassion melts away.
You mentioned being "tricked" into caring for a parent "merging on dementia." I also understand your financial/health dilemma. If you took your mom to a neurologist and got a dementia diagnosis, would there be programs available to get your mother into a "daycare" setting, or perhaps some other kind of assistance? I don't know if those programs are available in the UK or not, but for caregivers here in the US who have access, they can be a Godsend for both dementia sufferers and caregivers.
It's sounds as though you're stuck in a miserable situation. Until some alternative can be found, take care of yourself as much as you can! Long walks with a destination or purpose in mind (or not!) may be your best remedy for the moment. Place as much distance as you can, as often as you can between you and your mother's toxicity! Yes, she'll probably abuse you for it, but she'd be abusing you if you were at home anyway! You hit the nail on the head with your statement about self-care! It is absolutely key to your own health and well-being!
Just try to tell yourself, this isn't Mom, this is the Dementia. Literally, her brain is dying. She can't control her thoughts anymore. Its not personal. If when you visit and she starts the abuse, tell her you will be back when she can talk to you nicely and leave. Will it work, maybe. If you are Moms main caregiver, you will be the one she takes everything out on. Sorry, but you become the badguy.
There is a reason you are drawn in. Perhaps the person you visit is mentally ill. You visit because you care. In spite of the fact that you know they are ill, you take the abuse and apply it to your wounds and you weep. Only you know why you CHOOSE to do this.
There is one person in control of this scenario and that is you.
Stay away until you can handle it.
Hugs and know that you are loved.
If this is simply how your mom is, how about taking a break? Or leaving when she becomes abusive?
You can't change her behavior. You can only change what you do.