
Since May of 2023, my father has been assisted livings due to not taking care of his diabetes. He lived in FL and state said he can’t go home. The state wanted him to be a skilled nursing facility, but he wasn’t ready for it. Assisted livings could care less about what they eat. My father’s sugar has been worse the last 2 years because he eats what he wants. His vision is 80% so he can’t cook etc. Can’t give himself insulin. I can’t let him live with me because he’s so combative, hateful and needs 80 degrees inside my home and can’t stand any bit of noise. He ran out of money in Feb of 2025, and I was using my own money to help pay. I couldn’t do it any longer so 2 mos. ago he was accepted into VA 6 mins from me. He’s rude and keeps saying I hate it here. My room is half the size of what I had at private pay ASL. His medical care is much better. I’m so frustrated because he didn’t plan for old age and spent his money horribly. I have a family of my own with 8 grands in MD. I moved him from FL to MD April 2024, and he doesn’t appreciate being 6 mins from me. I take him to lunch, buy him groceries with my own money to fill his small fridge in his room. In my heart I want to tell him off so badly. But I know it won’t help things. He wasn’t in my life very much for 20 yrs. I’m his POA. I know he’s in the best place for his social security, but he needs an attitude change big time. Just venting.
That's a waste of time. Feel free to come and vent, but understand that you are not now and never were responsible for the happiness of your parent. I doubt your father was EVER terribly happy. And truly, life isn't about happiness. It's about survival.
When Dad becomes too much a chorus of despair, a litany of woes, excuse yourself and tell him you'll be back when he's having--hopefully--a better day. Stop arguing room size with him. Put on radio and listen to a podcast or ball game. Best out to you.
Then change the subject to something positive and give him a chance to respond positively and if he just wants to be ugly, tell him you'll see him later and walk out without looking back. Do this every single time and lengthen the time between visits and calls, give him the consequences for his behavior, never know he might find he misses you and will behave civilized, if not, his needs are being met, you don't need to visit.
Why do you provide him lunch? He should be getting 3 meals a day.
What would be so wrong with telling him off? I don't mean get down and dirty with name calling and insults. Tell him off by letting him know loud and clear that you do enough for him. He chose to squander his money on wine, women, and song (as my grandmother would say) instead of planning for his old age. So the VA is the best he's going to get, and he's lucky to even be getting that because there are worse places and old people with no money who need care are in them.
You should tell him that you will not listen to him complain anymore and that if he can't control his complaining you will stop talking to him and visiting.
But like Alva said below, your fathers attitude will never change and he probably will never be happy. But that is on him not you. You are NOT your fathers keeper nor are you responsible for his happiness.
As his POA you have made sure that he is safe and being looked after 24/7, and that is all that is required of you.
So from here on out I would limit my visits to just once a month, and would stop taking him to lunch unless you want to do that at your monthly visit, and if and when you decide to talk to him on the phone the minute he starts to be negative, you stop the conversation and tell him that you will talk to him another time when he's not so negative, and hang up.
And quit hanging around anyone that is negative and get out there and enjoy your 8 grandchildren as they will bring you great joy that your life needs to thrive.
You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to keep yourself healthy, so continue to limit the visits, but don't let the situation stress you. It's outside of you, not part of you, so don't take on your grandad's negativity.
Take care.
He will not stop it is up to you to change the dialogue.