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Since May of 2023, my father has been assisted livings due to not taking care of his diabetes. He lived in FL and state said he can’t go home. The state wanted him to be a skilled nursing facility, but he wasn’t ready for it. Assisted livings could care less about what they eat. My father’s sugar has been worse the last 2 years because he eats what he wants. His vision is 80% so he can’t cook etc. Can’t give himself insulin. I can’t let him live with me because he’s so combative, hateful and needs 80 degrees inside my home and can’t stand any bit of noise. He ran out of money in Feb of 2025, and I was using my own money to help pay. I couldn’t do it any longer so 2 mos. ago he was accepted into VA 6 mins from me. He’s rude and keeps saying I hate it here. My room is half the size of what I had at private pay ASL. His medical care is much better. I’m so frustrated because he didn’t plan for old age and spent his money horribly. I have a family of my own with 8 grands in MD. I moved him from FL to MD April 2024, and he doesn’t appreciate being 6 mins from me. I take him to lunch, buy him groceries with my own money to fill his small fridge in his room. In my heart I want to tell him off so badly. But I know it won’t help things. He wasn’t in my life very much for 20 yrs. I’m his POA. I know he’s in the best place for his social security, but he needs an attitude change big time. Just venting.

You won't be changing your father's attitude.
That's a waste of time. Feel free to come and vent, but understand that you are not now and never were responsible for the happiness of your parent. I doubt your father was EVER terribly happy. And truly, life isn't about happiness. It's about survival.

When Dad becomes too much a chorus of despair, a litany of woes, excuse yourself and tell him you'll be back when he's having--hopefully--a better day. Stop arguing room size with him. Put on radio and listen to a podcast or ball game. Best out to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My mom has a new delusion that the facility is going to let her build a new room that is larger, private and has a kitchen. It keeps her occupied. She even started doing sketches. Sometimes they finally switch from complaining to delusion. Stop spending money on your dad and limit your visits. Let the facility take care of him as that is what they are being paid for and are trained to do.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I would tell him that "I hate it for you too! But honestly dad, this is what you planned for, so I am grateful that you have a roof over your head and you are getting care."

Then change the subject to something positive and give him a chance to respond positively and if he just wants to be ugly, tell him you'll see him later and walk out without looking back. Do this every single time and lengthen the time between visits and calls, give him the consequences for his behavior, never know he might find he misses you and will behave civilized, if not, his needs are being met, you don't need to visit.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Your Dad is lucky he has you. Let him complain. Tell him, "Sorry Dad but you need 24/7 care that I can not provide. This is what you can afford. I cannot make you happy, you have to that yourself." Then when you visit you ignore his complaints. You say "I will come back when you stop complaining".

Why do you provide him lunch? He should be getting 3 meals a day.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Dad isn’t changing except to likely worsen. Happy is over for him, nothing you do will fix that. You’ve done a great job making sure he’s safe and cared for, I’m sorry he can’t be grateful for your efforts. The change has to come from you. Don’t listen to a minute of the griping, leave or get off the phone when it starts “we’ll talk when you’re feeling better, bye” Keep the conversation positive and when it can’t be, stop it entirely. Continue to be his advocate, but limit your exposure to the negativity, no one deserves a steady stream of that. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Rudy,

What would be so wrong with telling him off? I don't mean get down and dirty with name calling and insults. Tell him off by letting him know loud and clear that you do enough for him. He chose to squander his money on wine, women, and song (as my grandmother would say) instead of planning for his old age. So the VA is the best he's going to get, and he's lucky to even be getting that because there are worse places and old people with no money who need care are in them.

You should tell him that you will not listen to him complain anymore and that if he can't control his complaining you will stop talking to him and visiting.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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This sounds so similar to the situation that I had with my own father. He was living in Florida, had run out of money, just barely making it on Social Security. He called me only when he wanted money, wouldn’t move anywhere cheaper. He wanted to maintain a lifestyle he couldn’t afford and expected me to subsidize him. I moved him from Florida when I started getting calls from a VA social worker. He thought he was going to live with us which was out of the question (long story). I was his POA, so I took over his finances, and found him an apartment in a low income senior building. He complained non-stop. I then got him on Medicaid long term care, and eventually got him into an excellent nursing facility run by Little Sisters of the Poor. He never was happy, and never showed any appreciation for my efforts. As others have said, you can’t make them happy and you can’t kill yourself trying. You can only do your best to make sure they are safe and cared for.
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Reply to Judidi
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Your father is where he needs to be now and I'm glad that the VA is taking better care of his health issues.
But like Alva said below, your fathers attitude will never change and he probably will never be happy. But that is on him not you. You are NOT your fathers keeper nor are you responsible for his happiness.
As his POA you have made sure that he is safe and being looked after 24/7, and that is all that is required of you.
So from here on out I would limit my visits to just once a month, and would stop taking him to lunch unless you want to do that at your monthly visit, and if and when you decide to talk to him on the phone the minute he starts to be negative, you stop the conversation and tell him that you will talk to him another time when he's not so negative, and hang up.
And quit hanging around anyone that is negative and get out there and enjoy your 8 grandchildren as they will bring you great joy that your life needs to thrive.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Sounds like my 92 year old veteran grandpa only he still makes enough to pay for private facility outside the VA. We are in Florida and our VA said they won’t help until he needs SNF. At this point we have gone from ALF to MC within 6 months and he has done nothing but complain about both. He hates the people the food his room etc. Then I remind him these are the SAME complaints he had at home with us. He is safe where he is from himself and from harming/causing stress on us. I feel loads of guilt/stress when I do visit which is not often for my own sanity. Just know that you aren’t alone in this journey.
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Reply to laura9574
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MiaMoor Aug 10, 2025
Laura, try your best to let go of the guilt. It's not appropriate and isn't serving anyone.

You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to keep yourself healthy, so continue to limit the visits, but don't let the situation stress you. It's outside of you, not part of you, so don't take on your grandad's negativity.
Take care.
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Do nothing, he is where he needs to be. If he starts, leave, if on the phone, hang up.

He will not stop it is up to you to change the dialogue.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Shayna12 Aug 10, 2025
excellent advice.
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