Any millennial caregivers have their lives impacted by taking care of older parents?

I am not a millennial but have a similar situation. My mother was in an accident when I was 29 and has required care since then. I never let her move in with me or even provide regular care as I had a career, got married, and had kids. My father was able to care for her for the majority of this time with paid help. I couldn't have all the life experiences I had, including having my kids, if I had provided care for my mother. I don't regret anything. My mother is now in a nursing home and I am 53. My recommendation to anyone, especially a young person is to live your life. Your LO may live years or decades (in my case) and require care that entire time. If you need to find care for your mother, do it, but don't put your life on hold.

Here it is in a nutshell. You need a job to start saving for when you are 70 and possibly unable to work. Even if that seems like a far off goal, consider this: if she died tomorrow how would you live? You need seperate income. You need a job, any job. She doesn't want in-home care? Okay, she has to start doing what she can for herself. You can offer support when you are around, but most important, get out of the house to work.

Boundaries Blick Bob - You need to make a boundary with her . get help to come in wether she Likes it or not . Covid is Over that is a excuse . Most social service agencies screen their workers and CNA's . Your Mom is being Controlling and paranoid . I would contact elder services and get a CNA ( certified Nurse assistant) to come in and bather her. Is she doing any Physical therapy for her ankle ? Does her primary care Physician have a Visiting Nurse to come in and check on her ? You need a social worker who can help you with services . Also order Meal on wheels . Social services Can find you a house cleaner . Too bad if she doesn't like it you are not a Slave . If things get worse with her cancer remember hospice is there . You need counseling to sort out your Life goals and get support . Otherwise you will be stuck with her forever - her hurting her ankle twice seems rather excessive . If she is doing that she needs Physical therapy and her Doctor can order that .

Blick, nothing is going to change. Just accept it and be Mom’s caretaker until one of you dies. Because your reply for every suggestion given to you here is met with ‘but I’m forced to, she can’t do anything herself, she’s too scared, that won’t work’… you’ve shot down any and all suggestions to get control over your own life.

A hurt ankle should not leave someone so debilitated. She doesn’t want to recover or get some mobility because she has you to wait on her. Since you refuse to consider anything suggested here, accept that this is how it’s always going to be. Nothing will change unless you change it.

I’m 33 and have been at this hardcore only since August, but have been going to hospitals for months at a time since I was 29. You gotta draw a line—-I am only 4 years removed from this all beginning with hospital visits, and while I’m not always bitter, late 20’s is the WORST timing for this. She needs to rally more people, friends, paid caregivers, whatever it is. You need a life

I am in your boat, it sounds harsh but you need to take her to the hospital on a social visit tell them it is unsafe for her to be home and refuse to take her home. If they discharge her then abondon her and let her become a ward of your state.

Your life is far more important at this time. You need to take care of yourself and your future. I did it with my LO, people will look at you as you are a monster, then will try and guilt trip you into doing more. Reality is you cannot give up your future for someone who has no future. Your mother has no future, she is old, she is going to die. That is what she has to look forward to. You still have a future live towards it.

I finally realized there was some sore of co-dependency problem when my brother was visiting and said to mom”you want her to be your entertainment.” I also loved my mom. However, having a millennial daughter, I would not want her to sacrifice her life. It could be scary being dependent. I Weaned mom off in steps. Live your life. Guilt is not from God. If you need counseling, get it. May you have a long, beautiful, enjoyable life; while including your mom in a healthy way.

They’re ALWAYS afraid. And that’s how they keep you tethered to them. And those are issues that must be screened for (health of care givers and bonded/insured placement service). BUT more important in the big picture is you MUST start YOUR life! If she puts guilt on you, turn that around and tell her you have no life because you’ve cared for her for 10 years…..who will you have when you’re her age to care for you?

She is manipulating you with the Covid excuse and stealing. It’s common. Most agencies have aides tested and require vaccination. Call and find out. Get a safety deposit box at the bank for valuable jewelry and things, don’t keep cash lying around. Hire home aide for housekeeping and socializing with mom. Call agency and they can staff usually in a couple days for non medical aide. 3-4 hours a few times a week. see if pcp will order home health care PT for a few weeks for her de conditioning and to improve her mobility and reduce caregiver burden. Meal on wheels is free and brings one meal a day M-F, all you have to do is warm it up. Sandwiches in fridge and she can help herself. YOU have to be the one to make the changes, your mother won’t. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Just say you have to look after yourself and future. A helpful book is Codependent No More by Melanie Beaty. Take care of yourself.

....(continued from second post see below) Well, fast forward to today, my mother’s cancer is in remission for 6 months, a spot opened up on the waitlist, and my mother has been living at the senior housing place for 2 weeks now. Its still pretty close to us (10 minute drive), but she has her own apartment with kitchen, bathroom, patio. She is a 15 minute walk to the stores to get her groceries (they do have a shuttle service at the community that offers store runs and doctor appointments), there is a social worker on staff at the facility to help with getting them social services (although I plan on continuing that work for her) and they have activities for the seniors they host regularly. They also have on-call staff that answer in the event of an emergency. Frankly, this is the BEST thing that could have happened for ALL of us. She has a vigor that I haven’t seen in years with being independent, she is close enough to us where I can still assist if need be, but at the same far enough away, that I am not on-call 24/7.
The energy in our home has changed as well, everyone is more peaceful, calm and I feel ready to face life challenges a little more readily then I did a year ago, and I feel that coming on more and more with each day that passes. The severing of ties is HARD. It was incredibly difficult for me to see my 5 year old cry at the thought of his Lola (“grandmother” in Tagalog) not be in our house all the time. However, now, they are so excited to come over to Lola’s apartment, she is excited to see them, and we come over to her house to have dinner once a week. I also plan on having her spend the night Friday nights, my husband and I can have a date night, and she can spend time with her treasured grandchildren.
You have to make the decision to live YOUR life, not live your mother’s life. It is hard at first, but you’ll see, it will be the best thing for all of you.