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My mom with Alzheimer's has started having more urine accidents while we are out and about. She won't go to bathroom before we leave ALF; says she doesn't have to go. When out, if we do find a restroom she urinates before reaching toilet or urinates all over her clothing if no toilet available. I've shown her how to use incontinence pads but she keeps telling me she thinks they are for her feet. Any ideas on how to get her to use pads? She denies having accidents and so is very resistant to even listening to me about pads. I will be putting together a 'go out kit' to keep in my trunk that will have a change of clothes for her but I am hoping for ideas for prevention of this embarrassment for her.

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Don't use the words "pads" or "diapers". Replace her underwear with pull ups - call them the new rage - disposable underwear. Blame Covid.
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Reply to NYCmama
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I would not take her out under these circumstances. Your mother has lost the ability to understand the consequences of her actions.

She needs incontinence underwear, not pads.

Replace her regular underwear with "fancy pants" or whatever euphemism you use.

There is regular underwear with built in protection (the brand I see a lot is called Speax; there Depends and Teva which are disposable.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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If she’s to this point she should be wearing adult pull ups all the time. Maybe time to get rid of her underwear and only have those available. In the long run you’ll both be so much happier.
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Reply to Dizzerth
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my2cents Sep 27, 2021
Good advice. If she has no regular panties and only the pull ups, she may start thinking those are panties. The only down side is when you go out, you may have to pull pants and pull up off to change. That's where the pad, for outings, might be easier.
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I started with having my MIL put the depends over her underwear and then began tossing her underwear. The key was getting her use to it until all underwear were gone, then no choice was available. This took about 3 months. Every once in a while she looks for underwear.
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Reply to Theshrimp
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I'm glad you asked the question because I have the exact same brand new issue, problems, resistance, and denials with my own mom right now. So, I'm learning from all these great answers too.

It's really causing a lot of stress for me having her in my home. I'm always worried about the furniture and my car. She seems not to understand or she doesn't notice that her clothes and nighties smell like urine. She's totally dismissive of the Depends I bought her. I'm going to have to be more firm and insistent. I'll use some of the tips I've learned here.

For my car, furniture, and her guest bed, I use the XXL puppy pads that people use for dogs. The look and smell nice, they're absorbent, and it will cut down on much of the anxiety you have that she's going to destroy your things.
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Reply to usjet333
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my2cents Sep 27, 2021
You might have to remove panties from her sight. Only have depends available to use.
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My Mom had the same issue. I bought her the new “nice” underwear. She didn’t notice the difference and it saved me a ton of frustration for her and me! I hope this works. Remember, you’re not alone in this!
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Reply to kblondie1
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Santalynn Sep 29, 2021
Yes, tell moms/dads these are better style new underwear; underwear.
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I like your idea of having a change of clothes in the trunk. Always a good idea.
However, this isn’t a problem with mom. I want to gently suggest that this is a problem with your being in denial of moms situation. I’m sorry. I know you are working so hard to do for her. Time to reassess.

“very resistant to even listening to me about pads” so you have learned she has lost the ability to remember that she has accidents.

“this embarrassment for her”. What about you? She has already forgotten it’s ever happened.

She is probably only embarrassed in the moment.

Don’t leave the facility w/o her wearing incontinence underwear. If that’s too confusing for her to only wear then, have her wear them all the time. If she is having accidents with you, she is probably having accidents when you aren’t there. This issue will not reverse itself. You are just kicking the can down the road by ignoring that she has reached a new level.

If this is all too stressful for you and mom, might be time to rethink any outings until she has fully transitioned to protective underwear. If she has an aide to help her dress, ask them to have the underwear on her before you arrive. Don’t put yourself through this worry each time you go out.

The good thing is that once YOU have made the transition you will soon notice it is no longer a big deal to her.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Pads aren't going to work for an accident. Get her pull up briefs. Depends are good along with some other brands. Make sure they fit snugly, but not not tight. refuse to take her out without wearing a disposable brief. Other answers here are good.
Don't start calling them diapers.
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Reply to Bridger46164
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BurntCaregiver Sep 27, 2021
Never call them diapers.
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My FIL fought me on incontinence underwear. Yet, he was so irregular in his bathroom habits, I never knew if he'd have a blowout or a bladder leak---and this man LOVED to go places! He'd go out to eat every day!

Blowing out a 'thong' style underwear in a nice restaurant was the end of it for me. He was mildly embarrassed, but still wanted to stay to eat--just move tables.

Well, the staff had to move everybody ELSE and I had DH take his dad out to the car. I stayed behind and helped clean up. Then tipped everyone who helped $20 (this was 18 years ago--nowadays I would tip $50!!).

I bought a box of depends, and threw out all his thongs. He was mad, but never said anything. DH said I was being over-the top with this and I pointed out to HIM that dad had sat in poopy pants in HIS car, which required a major cleaning. If HE wanted to do this, he was on his own with his dad.

We think so much for the safety and care of our LO's, but I can tell you that this one incident (and there were many more) probably ruined the lunch experience for every patron in that restaurant.

Not giving them a choice makes the choice. It was the saddest part of the EOL care for FIL. By refusing to wear the depends, he made the choice to not be allowed to go out to eat. (The whole family was on the same page on this).

I'm sad to this day that FIL's stubbornness made his last 6 months of life fairly lonely.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Cover99 Sep 27, 2021
Lol Good for FIL. He wasn't going to let an accident stop his enjoyment.
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Mother was a little hesitant about it at first. Never thought it would happen to her. A trip to WAlmart showed her a large wall full of many sizes colors and fashions and she realized this is quite common. ( In her case she learned her boy friend always wore mens pull ups- I dont want to know the details) But my wife and I are both pharmacists and she began to comply after the
embarassment passed. Just dont use the diapers; Pink pull ups fit well look nice and work.
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