Any ideas on how to get mom to wear incontinence pads?

Don't use the words "pads" or "diapers". Replace her underwear with pull ups - call them the new rage - disposable underwear. Blame Covid.

I would not take her out under these circumstances. Your mother has lost the ability to understand the consequences of her actions.

She needs incontinence underwear, not pads.

Replace her regular underwear with "fancy pants" or whatever euphemism you use.

There is regular underwear with built in protection (the brand I see a lot is called Speax; there Depends and Teva which are disposable.

If she’s to this point she should be wearing adult pull ups all the time. Maybe time to get rid of her underwear and only have those available. In the long run you’ll both be so much happier.

I started with having my MIL put the depends over her underwear and then began tossing her underwear. The key was getting her use to it until all underwear were gone, then no choice was available. This took about 3 months. Every once in a while she looks for underwear.

I'm glad you asked the question because I have the exact same brand new issue, problems, resistance, and denials with my own mom right now. So, I'm learning from all these great answers too.

It's really causing a lot of stress for me having her in my home. I'm always worried about the furniture and my car. She seems not to understand or she doesn't notice that her clothes and nighties smell like urine. She's totally dismissive of the Depends I bought her. I'm going to have to be more firm and insistent. I'll use some of the tips I've learned here.

For my car, furniture, and her guest bed, I use the XXL puppy pads that people use for dogs. The look and smell nice, they're absorbent, and it will cut down on much of the anxiety you have that she's going to destroy your things.

I like your idea of having a change of clothes in the trunk. Always a good idea.
However, this isn’t a problem with mom. I want to gently suggest that this is a problem with your being in denial of moms situation. I’m sorry. I know you are working so hard to do for her. Time to reassess.

“very resistant to even listening to me about pads” so you have learned she has lost the ability to remember that she has accidents.

“this embarrassment for her”. What about you? She has already forgotten it’s ever happened.

She is probably only embarrassed in the moment.

Don’t leave the facility w/o her wearing incontinence underwear. If that’s too confusing for her to only wear then, have her wear them all the time. If she is having accidents with you, she is probably having accidents when you aren’t there. This issue will not reverse itself. You are just kicking the can down the road by ignoring that she has reached a new level.

If this is all too stressful for you and mom, might be time to rethink any outings until she has fully transitioned to protective underwear. If she has an aide to help her dress, ask them to have the underwear on her before you arrive. Don’t put yourself through this worry each time you go out.

The good thing is that once YOU have made the transition you will soon notice it is no longer a big deal to her.

My Mom had the same issue. I bought her the new “nice” underwear. She didn’t notice the difference and it saved me a ton of frustration for her and me! I hope this works. Remember, you’re not alone in this!

My FIL fought me on incontinence underwear. Yet, he was so irregular in his bathroom habits, I never knew if he'd have a blowout or a bladder leak---and this man LOVED to go places! He'd go out to eat every day!

Blowing out a 'thong' style underwear in a nice restaurant was the end of it for me. He was mildly embarrassed, but still wanted to stay to eat--just move tables.

Well, the staff had to move everybody ELSE and I had DH take his dad out to the car. I stayed behind and helped clean up. Then tipped everyone who helped $20 (this was 18 years ago--nowadays I would tip $50!!).

I bought a box of depends, and threw out all his thongs. He was mad, but never said anything. DH said I was being over-the top with this and I pointed out to HIM that dad had sat in poopy pants in HIS car, which required a major cleaning. If HE wanted to do this, he was on his own with his dad.

We think so much for the safety and care of our LO's, but I can tell you that this one incident (and there were many more) probably ruined the lunch experience for every patron in that restaurant.

Not giving them a choice makes the choice. It was the saddest part of the EOL care for FIL. By refusing to wear the depends, he made the choice to not be allowed to go out to eat. (The whole family was on the same page on this).

I'm sad to this day that FIL's stubbornness made his last 6 months of life fairly lonely.

Pads aren't going to work for an accident. Get her pull up briefs. Depends are good along with some other brands. Make sure they fit snugly, but not not tight. refuse to take her out without wearing a disposable brief. Other answers here are good.
Don't start calling them diapers.

After a few accidents insisted on incontinence briefs when going out. Was met with "I don't need them". So I set my own boundary - no incont briefs = no outings in my car. Round one. Change accepted.

Unfortunately product not adequate for need, so professional advice sought, suggestion was booster pads & clean-up kit to go. Again "I don't need..". So again, new boundary, again no car. Round two. Stuck there.

So that's where I exited. All transport must be with Aides.

(While that sounds harsh, mobility & behaviour issues were also big factors).

I believe 97yroldmom Is correct. It is something for the OP to adjust to - the new normal.