Is it normal for my grandmother to like to see me mad?

The question is not if she’s normal in her actions. The question is why you keep her around and why would you have someone in your home that admits to enjoying harming you.

Even if there’s dementia or other issues going on, she knows on some level what she is doing. Playing mind games. Send her along. You weren’t put on this earth to be her, or anyone’s, emotional punching bag.

Tell your Aunt, time to take Gmom. A grandchild should not be caring for a grandparent when a child is willing to have her. And she should not be sleeping on a air mattress on a floor. (Just wondering, why did you not give her the bed and you sleepon the mattress?)

Your guess would be as good as mine, but I think no one would willingly stay on a mattress on her granddaughter's floor unless she's pretty desperate.

It may very well be that she does enjoy seeing you angry. You say in comments that the outbursts only started within the last year. So, I'm going to assume that she has some form of dementia. The outbursts and the all but non-existent personal hygiene spell dementia.

Of course she wants to live with you. She clearly has enough of her faculties remaining to understand that no one else is going to tolerate her abusive behavior and nonsense. She would rather sleep on a floor if it means she can instigate and fight with you every day.

Don't live like this. Dementia or not, one has to live with a toxic person and tolerate their abusive behavior. I totally understand where you're coming from because your grandmother sounds like my mother to the letter. Only my mother always enjoyed seeing me angry. When I was a kid she would instigate with me until she got the explosion of rage. That's what she wanted. She was always careful not to let adults see what she was doing because then they wouldn't give her the sympathy and support she craved. She also enjoyed watching other adults berating, bullying and chastising me. I got out at 18 years old.

Then I came back a few years ago. She needed help and I needed somewhere to live. I made the mistake of thinking this arrangement would be beneficial to us both. It was not. I got my ducks in a row and left. Now it's make it work with homecare or you go into a nursing home. I took her to a doctor's appointment a couple weeks ago as a favor. Her aide was out sick. She starting getting ornery and instigating with me so I left her there. I explained to the medical assistant and she understood. When her appointment was done she called me hysterical and begging me to pick her up because she's terrified of Ubers. I refused and sent the Uber anyway. This is how you have to be when you have a people like my mother and your grandmother in your life. It's the only way. Very limited interaction or none at all. 'Grey Rock' communication.

Insist that your aunt or some other family member takes her in or she goes into a care facility. No more living with you. That has to stop immediately. Believe me, living in the kind of abuse you're in will ruin your life.

Good luck to you, and please get her out of your house.

Snipsnip, in reading the extra info you provided in responses to others, I think you are not seeing that your Grandmother probably has dementia and it is already probably in the moderate stage. She lives with you but she is burning you out with her behavior. First and foremost, she needs a diagnosis. There is no lab test to confirm dementia. It is mostly diagnosed by discounting other medical possibilities because there are other health problems that can cause changes in behavior, and some are treatable (eg: a UTI, vitamin deficiency, diabetes, thyroid problem, dehydration, tumor, etc) while others are not. A primary doctor can give her a free Medicare annual wellness exam and she will be asked if she wants the cognitive/memory test. Based on this exam and test she may be referred to a neurologist for further imaging of her brain. Most elders with dementia don't get or need a specific diagnosis of which dementia they have (there are approximately 30 kinds). What your Grandmother seems to need is an advocate, mainly a legal advocate. Her doctor cannot legally discuss her private medical information with you without her being present and consent. At her doctor's office you ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form. She writes in your name and signs it, hands it back for them to have on file. Then her doc can talk to you without further consent or her presence. Yes, you should definitely be in the exam room the entire time. Tell her you're there to take notes. Discretely tell the nurse that she NEEDS the cognitive/memory test because of worrisome behavior changes. They will do this. If your Grandmother does have dementia, she needs an appropriate and realistic long-term plan. Dementia is progressive. If you think her behavior is taxing now, it will only get worse. You are too young to sacrifice your life to her care when there are other options for her. You call social services for your county and ask them about getting her a legal guardian (it should not be you). Once she has a court-assigned legal guardian they will take over all her medical care and financial management, making decisions in her own best interests. Mostly, they will use Medicaid and her SS income to pay for it. Yes, they will transition her into a facility but she will be getting the essential care she needs and you can visit her all you want, without burning out. This is all assuming she doesn't have an assigned PoA, or a lot of money. Your Aunt, who I'm guessing is probably close in age to your Grandma, needs to read these responses also because they apply to her as well. All the more taxing if you are a senior caregiver. It won't be sustainable mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I learned a lot of very helpful information by watching Teepa Snow vidoes on YouTube. She is a caregiver advocate and dementia expert. She gives great strategies for how to engage with people with dementia for more productive and peaceful interactions. Dementia robs people of the ability to use reason and logic, they lose their ability to empathize with others (even very close family members), they lose their grasp of time and space, their short-term memory, etc. There is no treatment or cure. Many suffer from depression and anxiety, and their primary doctor can prescribe meds for this, since they are no longer able to regulate their own emotions due to their broken brains. I wish you success in getter her a diagnosis and appropriate care, while you protect your own life and mental health. May you receive peace in your heart.

“She turns every conversation into a fight. “

“Could she be staying because we’d let her get away with more of this overall disrespect and disregard for my family?”

OP, is this situation still working out for everyone? Having a “toxic” person in your house is a serious thing. Maybe she needs to go somewhere else, where she doesn’t affect your family.

Is there a reason why grandma has become your responsibility?

Has this been your grandmother's typical behavior for years, or has this behavior just started? Was there anything triggering this behavior?
If this is unusual for her, and testing was done before this change, please have her tested again.
If this behavior is normal for her, then she won't change now, and yes she is probably doing it to get a rise out of you. It's entertainment for her.
Set ground rules for having her stay. And ground rules for interactions. If she starts a fight or gets nasty, walk away.

Oh okay, is she having other behavior issues? If you don’t mind me asking, what’s going on to need testing in the first place? Has she has a psych evaluation? That’s tough to deal with with knowing they consider her a healthy individual, I’m sorry you’re going through that.

May I ask what diagnosis is your grandmother living with? My mom has dementia and there are some forms of the disease that can cause out of character behavior. It may just be her new norm and you have to decide if it’s something you can deal with or if you need to make other arrangements. For my mom, you couldn’t “explain” if you will, why what’s said is hurtful because she just didn’t understand, it’s not a fixable issue