Recently her behavior has gotten far too toxic to have a positive conversation. And recently she admitted he liked irritating me and seeing me angry. She turns every conversation into a fight. Then immediately acts like we never fought. She was offered to stay with my aunt but she stays even though she sleeps on an air mattress on my floor here. Could she be staying because we’d let her get away with more of this overall disrespect and disregard for my family?
Even if there’s dementia or other issues going on, she knows on some level what she is doing. Playing mind games. Send her along. You weren’t put on this earth to be her, or anyone’s, emotional punching bag.
Of course she wants to live with you. She clearly has enough of her faculties remaining to understand that no one else is going to tolerate her abusive behavior and nonsense. She would rather sleep on a floor if it means she can instigate and fight with you every day.
Don't live like this. Dementia or not, one has to live with a toxic person and tolerate their abusive behavior. I totally understand where you're coming from because your grandmother sounds like my mother to the letter. Only my mother always enjoyed seeing me angry. When I was a kid she would instigate with me until she got the explosion of rage. That's what she wanted. She was always careful not to let adults see what she was doing because then they wouldn't give her the sympathy and support she craved. She also enjoyed watching other adults berating, bullying and chastising me. I got out at 18 years old.
Then I came back a few years ago. She needed help and I needed somewhere to live. I made the mistake of thinking this arrangement would be beneficial to us both. It was not. I got my ducks in a row and left. Now it's make it work with homecare or you go into a nursing home. I took her to a doctor's appointment a couple weeks ago as a favor. Her aide was out sick. She starting getting ornery and instigating with me so I left her there. I explained to the medical assistant and she understood. When her appointment was done she called me hysterical and begging me to pick her up because she's terrified of Ubers. I refused and sent the Uber anyway. This is how you have to be when you have a people like my mother and your grandmother in your life. It's the only way. Very limited interaction or none at all. 'Grey Rock' communication.
Insist that your aunt or some other family member takes her in or she goes into a care facility. No more living with you. That has to stop immediately. Believe me, living in the kind of abuse you're in will ruin your life.
Good luck to you, and please get her out of your house.
I've compared Teepa Snow to a general of the army. The general may have a brilliant tactical mind. Watching the fight from a safe distance or headquarters isn't the same as actually fighting it. The general isn't down in the trenches day in and day out the way the soldiers (caregivers) are. Her methods can work if you have an army of caregivers like in a facility setting. When it's one caregiver responsible for everything, Teepa Snow's methods are a joke and impossible. This is coming from many years experience in the "trenches" and not a general who stays back at headquarters.
“Could she be staying because we’d let her get away with more of this overall disrespect and disregard for my family?”
OP, is this situation still working out for everyone? Having a “toxic” person in your house is a serious thing. Maybe she needs to go somewhere else, where she doesn’t affect your family.
Is there a reason why grandma has become your responsibility?
If this is unusual for her, and testing was done before this change, please have her tested again.
If this behavior is normal for her, then she won't change now, and yes she is probably doing it to get a rise out of you. It's entertainment for her.
Set ground rules for having her stay. And ground rules for interactions. If she starts a fight or gets nasty, walk away.
Ill try walking away next time.