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ChrisH Asked February 2023

How to tell my 93 yr old mother that she can’t live with us any longer?

My father passed away 8 yrs ago. My mother is Japanese, an only child, narcissist and manipulative. My father bowed to her every demand. I’m an only child and now she feels like I should do the same. She had a couple of strokes over the last 3 years and has been living with me and my husband to recuperate. She has recovered from the strokes with minimal impact and now can live on her own with limited help. So I want her to go back to her home, which is 1.5 hrs from me, and I’d get a caregiver to come everyday for a few hours to make meals, drive her to go shopping, clean her house and make sure she is safe. She has several friends who still drive and would come see her often.
Her treatment of me is like I’m her servant because I’m the daughter and I should “spoil” her like her mother and my father did. This behavior makes my husband very angry and it’s extremely stressful for me.
When I bring up the subject of her going back to her home because she is much better, can live on her own home, be with her friends and have home care to be safe, she goes into a guilt trip….I’m trying to push her away, I’m so mean, Its my responsibility as her daughter. Then its….I won’t be around much longer, I pray every day that I die.
I’m now getting really resentful and hate having negative feelings about her.
I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Feeling helpless.

JoAnn29 Feb 2023
Just saw you and husbands ages. Yes, time for Mom to go home. You need this time for you. Believe me, u never know what tomorrow brings. We had a friend who was about 5ft 6 to 8 and didn't weigh more than 140 or so pounds. Ran his own business and golfed ever chance he got. Got a clean bill of health the week before he died. Was complaining about he wasn't feeling well, sat down in his chair and passed from a heart attack. The community was shocked, he was the last person you would have thought would go this way.

And I agree, you get Mom back to her house and do not bring her back. Next move is a nice AL or LTC depending on her needs. You and DH are Seniors too, you don't need to be caring for another Senior.

lkdrymom Feb 2023
Remember your happiness is just as important as hers.

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elisny Feb 2023
It is interesting, based on what you have shared, that your mother doesn't care about your well-being, but you care about hers. Ideally, there would be a balance, and a solution would arise from that.

My suggestion: Close your eyes and imagine 2 years down the road: Once with her continuing to stay with you, and once where you have insisted she move back home. Repeat this exercise over a few days until you have your answer. Then proceed.

Another suggestion: Hire a geriatric case manager or social worker to do an assessment, to get guidance and support for your decision. In the end it is you who has to be comfortable with the decision.
ChrisH Feb 2023
This is so true. I appreciate the suggestion
AlvaDeer Feb 2023
You are basically down to you and your hubby sitting Mom down and saying "Mom, get your things together so we don't have to do it; we are moving you in back home on (insert date).
I caution you not to do this again. At some point you will not be able to move your Mom out of your home. This is a warning you should heed or you will have bad consequences.
As far as the litany of wishing to go, yes, that's understandable. I am 80 and I am ready to go as well, but the answer there is "We don't get to make that decision. We have no on and off switch. I understand life is scary now, and you feel alone, but we can help you with placement where you will be safe and comfortable. That's about as good as it gets."
We do get to the place where there is no upside, where we are afraid of the continuing losses, where we are not afraid to die, but to live. This is the normal progression in a country where we live way too long. As a nurse I saw this in many elderly patients. I saw it for my own dad who was not depressed, said he had had a wonderful life (as have I) but wanted to go, was tired and ready for the long long nap.
So either she MEANS it, this wishing to die, or she is manipulating you and you can't know how much of whichever is true, and it really doesn't matter, because she has no on and off switch.
ChrisH Feb 2023
Appreciate the insight. My husband is 79 and I’m 69 so we know our time is limited too. We need to make the best of it.
Frank1776 Feb 2023
One method is to simply not tell them. Take the person for a drive and leave them at a nursing home. Of course this must be prearranged. It is often recommended family does not visit for two weeks to allow them to acclimate to their new 'home'.
ChrisH Feb 2023
Thank you
bundleofjoy Feb 2023
huggggs.

"Her treatment of me is like I’m her servant because I’m the daughter"

you know, in japanese culture, it was (and sometimes still is), the eldest son who is supposed to take care of the elderly parents. but this is changing. also in japan, people are encouraged to plan ahead, and not enslave their children.

you're an only child, a girl. your mother is a narc, manipulative. even servants are treated quite nicely (please, thank you) -- i bet your mother treats you much worse than a servant.

some mothers LOVE secretly destroying their daughters' lives.
on the contrary, a loving mother wants you to create your own life, have your own life, have the best, happiest, healthiest, most fulfilling life possible.

tomorrow is Valentine's Day. ❤️ ENJOY IT!
and maybe think of it as a good date/deadline (14 february 2023) to start a new approach.
ChrisH Feb 2023
Thank you. I think you understand.
JoAnn29 Feb 2023
You need to be firm in this. Tell her your not Dad and you are not spoiling her. She is able to go back to her home and thats where she is going. Trying to guilt you is not going to work. So as soon as she can get packed up, you and DH are driving her back to her house. You will help her set up an aide to come in and help her. If she refuses this, then say "Thats up to you Mom, but I am no longer going to be your servant". Its time for you to go back to your house.

Guilt is self-imposed. You are doing nothing wrong. By being her servant you are actually disabling her. If she can do it, she needs to. May suggest if she doesn't want to return home, she can go to a nice Assisted Living and sell her home to pay for it.

When she gets started you tell her she has no say in the matter. Time to go home. Can't even use COVID as an excuse. Its here to stay,
ChrisH Feb 2023
Thank you. It is a matter of understanding that my well being is important.
CTTN55 Feb 2023
After recent posts in which posters are forced to live with in-laws (and take care of them), I'm so glad that this is your mother! And your H wants her gone, too!

TeethGrinder65 Feb 2023
Guilt only works if you let it. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about! You've cared for her when she needed it, and that time is over now. This is about your fear of her, not her demands.

Say firmly, "Mom, it's time for you to go back home. John and I need our space. I'll help you pack and hire someone to look in on you, but we'll be taking you back home this weekend."

Repeat. She won't like it. When she berates you, walk out of the room. When she does it by phone, hang up. YOU are in control of this situation. Don't sacrifice your sanity and marriage for someone who doesn't deserve it. Be strong!
ChrisH Feb 2023
Thank you for this strong suggestion. I appreciate it.
Geaton777 Feb 2023
You can use a therapeutic fib to remove her initially. Like, telling her your house needs some repair or remodeling and she needs to go back to her house "for a while". Maybe consider staying with her for a week in her own home to get her settled and see how she does. Don't listen to her guilting. Literally don't respond to it, change the subject, walk out of the room or just ignore it. I just had to do this with my own 93-yr old Mom this morning. She lives in the house next to me.

You are not helpless, but for a while you will need to make yourself react and do things with your Mom that don't feel good. It will be uncomfortable for a while, but then when she's out, things will get better... at least for your marriage. Your husband has priority.
ChrisH Feb 2023
this is a good suggestion. Thank you

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