My father passed away 8 yrs ago. My mother is Japanese, an only child, narcissist and manipulative. My father bowed to her every demand. I’m an only child and now she feels like I should do the same. She had a couple of strokes over the last 3 years and has been living with me and my husband to recuperate. She has recovered from the strokes with minimal impact and now can live on her own with limited help. So I want her to go back to her home, which is 1.5 hrs from me, and I’d get a caregiver to come everyday for a few hours to make meals, drive her to go shopping, clean her house and make sure she is safe. She has several friends who still drive and would come see her often.
Her treatment of me is like I’m her servant because I’m the daughter and I should “spoil” her like her mother and my father did. This behavior makes my husband very angry and it’s extremely stressful for me.
When I bring up the subject of her going back to her home because she is much better, can live on her own home, be with her friends and have home care to be safe, she goes into a guilt trip….I’m trying to push her away, I’m so mean, Its my responsibility as her daughter. Then its….I won’t be around much longer, I pray every day that I die.
I’m now getting really resentful and hate having negative feelings about her.
I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Feeling helpless.
And I agree, you get Mom back to her house and do not bring her back. Next move is a nice AL or LTC depending on her needs. You and DH are Seniors too, you don't need to be caring for another Senior.
My suggestion: Close your eyes and imagine 2 years down the road: Once with her continuing to stay with you, and once where you have insisted she move back home. Repeat this exercise over a few days until you have your answer. Then proceed.
Another suggestion: Hire a geriatric case manager or social worker to do an assessment, to get guidance and support for your decision. In the end it is you who has to be comfortable with the decision.
I caution you not to do this again. At some point you will not be able to move your Mom out of your home. This is a warning you should heed or you will have bad consequences.
As far as the litany of wishing to go, yes, that's understandable. I am 80 and I am ready to go as well, but the answer there is "We don't get to make that decision. We have no on and off switch. I understand life is scary now, and you feel alone, but we can help you with placement where you will be safe and comfortable. That's about as good as it gets."
We do get to the place where there is no upside, where we are afraid of the continuing losses, where we are not afraid to die, but to live. This is the normal progression in a country where we live way too long. As a nurse I saw this in many elderly patients. I saw it for my own dad who was not depressed, said he had had a wonderful life (as have I) but wanted to go, was tired and ready for the long long nap.
So either she MEANS it, this wishing to die, or she is manipulating you and you can't know how much of whichever is true, and it really doesn't matter, because she has no on and off switch.
"Her treatment of me is like I’m her servant because I’m the daughter"
you know, in japanese culture, it was (and sometimes still is), the eldest son who is supposed to take care of the elderly parents. but this is changing. also in japan, people are encouraged to plan ahead, and not enslave their children.
you're an only child, a girl. your mother is a narc, manipulative. even servants are treated quite nicely (please, thank you) -- i bet your mother treats you much worse than a servant.
some mothers LOVE secretly destroying their daughters' lives.
on the contrary, a loving mother wants you to create your own life, have your own life, have the best, happiest, healthiest, most fulfilling life possible.
tomorrow is Valentine's Day. ❤️ ENJOY IT!
and maybe think of it as a good date/deadline (14 february 2023) to start a new approach.
Guilt is self-imposed. You are doing nothing wrong. By being her servant you are actually disabling her. If she can do it, she needs to. May suggest if she doesn't want to return home, she can go to a nice Assisted Living and sell her home to pay for it.
When she gets started you tell her she has no say in the matter. Time to go home. Can't even use COVID as an excuse. Its here to stay,
Say firmly, "Mom, it's time for you to go back home. John and I need our space. I'll help you pack and hire someone to look in on you, but we'll be taking you back home this weekend."
Repeat. She won't like it. When she berates you, walk out of the room. When she does it by phone, hang up. YOU are in control of this situation. Don't sacrifice your sanity and marriage for someone who doesn't deserve it. Be strong!
You are not helpless, but for a while you will need to make yourself react and do things with your Mom that don't feel good. It will be uncomfortable for a while, but then when she's out, things will get better... at least for your marriage. Your husband has priority.