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Confused96 Asked January 2022

How in the world can I care for a new baby and a grandparent?

Hello all, it's been a very rough year. My mom made the decision to stop dialysis and she passed away in March. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My paternal grandmother passed in late October, followed 8 days later by my maternal grandmother (who lived alone and whose estate I am now working to settle with the very limited help of my half brother), Paternal grandmother left my grandfather behind, who is actually completely illiterate and requires help with his medicine, appointments, and paying bills. He is 79 years old and very bullheaded, myself and my fiance are the only people who he will allow to help with anything. He also lives an hour away from me. I am the only family he has left besides a couple of elderly sisters and a few estranged cousins. I am sitting here, 17 days away from baby's due date, wondering how in the world I am going to be able to help him once I have the baby. Shoot, I can barely help him now. An hour's car ride with a baby sitting on my bladder is nearly impossible. And I know I can't take the baby back and forth in the freezing cold once he's here. Grandfather is currently in the hospital for what they think is his 5th heart attack in the last 6 months because he refuses to settle down. I am at my wits end, everyone. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, and so does grandpa. I cannot put him in a home, I just watched my mom die in a home this year and I won't do that. But I am not sure of any home health programs that are actually affordable for an elderly man who already struggles to pay his bills? I appreciate any ideas guys thank you.

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
Confused, your mom may have died in a nursing but not BECAUSE she was in a nursing home.

If Gpa is in hospital/rehab right now, you have a golden opportunity to place him someplace safe and close to you.

Work with the discharge planners to get him into a good place.

Midkid58 Jan 2022
Your first baby..right?

You have NO IDEA what you're in for. I have 5 kids. I could no more have cared for an aging parent/grandparent than I could have flown to the moon.

You need to set boundaries NOW, before baby shows up. It's NOT your step g dad's call at all. HE does need to make decisions and they need to work for everyone. BUT, baby takes precedence.

DO NOT let this old guy move in with you and fiance and baby. You need to focus on your family. The first few weeks with baby are critical and you will be tired and trying to do 'all the things'.

Maybe gpa doesn't WANT others helping, but that's just too bad. LET HIIM move into his own trailer and let it go. You can do what you can do without being 'there' in person. Setting up his finances, setting up MOW and transport to and from drs appts and such (set up his CC with Uber--easy peasy).

Just please don't let him into your little family circle. Sometimes that works, more often, though, it becomes a nightmare and you need all your strength for the months ahead.
Confused96 Jan 2022
Thank you for this. I am going to let him do whatever he feels that he needs to do, I really will probably not have time to give it much thought the first month after I deliver, yes this is my first child. He does not have a credit card, uber and medical transports are not available in his area (he lives in the boonies) and he refused to let me set up auto pay for his bills from his account (his reasoning is he always has to move money around and wants the flexibility to pay early when he can). So, we're right back to I can't really do for him won't he won't let me do, I guess...

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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
Confused, have you checked into 55+ communities that have RV spaces?

When we have had to stay longish term in areas, we have found these to be nice communities with social activities and pleasant neighbors.

If he is dead set on remaining at home or in his RV this is a good option to get him closer to you and services.

Can he barely pay his bills because of money or other challenges? He knows how to survive with his limited abilities, I wouldn't stress about what he doesn't have, focus on his abilities, he has made it this far.

Congratulations on your new baby!
PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Isthisrealyreal, remember that post from the 61-year-old wanting a free bed, water heater, furnace and antenna? If this gramps moves near OP, this will fall on OP or worse yet, OP's fiance? One reason this marriage isn't yet one is that the fiance is not down with providing that level of care or having OP attempt to do so.

OP should just tell the hospital social workers/discharge planners that FAMILY will not be physically there. They cannot be with a new baby on the way. Let the professionals decide what to do with that situation.
MargaretMcKen Jan 2022
Confused, you’ve got the right answer yourself - ‘I am going to let him do whatever he feels that he needs to do’. He goes back to his trailer and tries it out. If he dies there, he made a choice that is not uncommon, to let it happen in his own place on his own rules. You have time with the baby to rethink whether having him move in is at all realistic. If he changes his mind, he can move to a place where proper help is available to help him live longer. He has limited options, and so do you.

MJ1929 Jan 2022
Sadly, stubborn Grandpa may have to have a crisis "come to Jesus" moment in order to adjust his thinking. When his final lifeline (you) sets impenetrable boundaries, he'll come around.

Make it clear: Your baby is your priority. You have room for him in your life, but it'll be at your house, not his. The baby's needs and schedule by necessity come first, so if he wants help, the ball's in his court and he knows how to get it.

partyof1 Jan 2022
You gave him and option of moving in with you....which I wouldn't suggest. If he gets older and worse...which he will...then you will have it full time 24/7. 17 days from delivery, you cannot help him upon discharge even if you want to.

His only input is that you must uproot your family and live in his two bedroom trailer. Does he also expect you will also change jobs or is he thinking you will drive an hour back each way to work? And of course chip in because he already can't pay his own bills.

He refused your generous offer of having him come to your home. In other words, his way or the highway. That's really not a good position of argument from someone who is unable to care for themselves, expecting someone else to pitch in, and just had yet another health crisis (and toss in a new baby). Really?

Because you are ready to have a baby and CANNOT help him for the time being, he is an unsafe discharge. He cannot adequately care for himself and there is no one else able to meet his needs. The hospital will them at least rehab him somewhere and it will go from there. He will at least be safe and care for in the meanwhile.

I've come to the conclusion that "homes" (assisted are skilled) are what they are. They are not and never will be home. But those that need that assistance don't have another choice....unless they can get a family member to upend their lives to care for them. Not everyone can just do that. And its okay to say no. When the elder doesn't prepare for their aging, all you can do is all you can do. It won't be perfect, ever. Mother didn't like her recent stint there, but if she is unable to maintain herself in a reasonable manner in her home which "some help" from me, she will have to do something else. Remaining in her home requires me to live next door.....which wasn't my future plan at all.

CTTN55 Jan 2022
"I cannot put him in a home,"

Why not?

"he was dead set we were going to move into his 2 bedroom trailer with him with the new baby. When I told him this was not going to happen and that he should come live with us in our 3 bedroom house with all sorts of room... he said forget it, I'll just live in my RV when the time comes."

Are you going to place the priority on your child, which is what you should do? Even if you got him to move in with you, you wouldn't be placing the priority on your child.

Why can't he go to a facility that isn't far from you? Let others do the caregiving, and you can visit him and be a loving granddaughter and not a 24/7/365 caregiving slave.
Confused96 Jan 2022
He has been fiercely independent his whole life, and I feel if I were to even suggest putting him in a home, I would be failing him. All of the facilities in our areas (his and mine) are severely understaffed and having major issues and I absolutely don't trust he will be properly cared for. Plus there is the fact that he is completely mentally sound save for his bullheadedness and I can't MAKE him do anything. But I do understand I have to put the priority on my child, no matter what. I have had this conversation with him and he understands that once baby is here, I can do nothing for him for at least several months, unless he drives to me.
PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
You cannot do for a newborn and for grandpa. Most people must return to work after their family leave runs out as FMLA is usually unpaid, because babies are expensive. Every extra dollar you earn will be spent on baby needs, every hour of time you do have you will want to spend on baby needs.

No, you can't live with Grandpa in his trailer. Nor should he be coming to live with you. With a trailer and I'm gathering just SS, he needs to apply for Medicaid immediately, which might bring Meals on Wheels for food, a Medi-Van out there for his appointments. As far as bills, have him give you his bank password for one day so you can switch over all his utilities to insta-pay, then help him change his password again and make sure he writes it down somewhere where only he has it since he doesn't want you or anyone as his POA.

There will be home health care resources available, but these people visit only occasionally. With five heart attacks in six months, he may well be at a 24/7 need. It may already be. As I'm consistently saying, not many people have an extra $200K/year to ensure this is done properly, nor do you have the time given the baby and your fiance to do it either.

Taarna Jan 2022
Please contact your grandfather's doctor. Let him/her know the situation. You will not be allowed to drive for 6 weeks after the baby is delivered. You will be tired and need to rest for at least 1-2 weeks after having the baby. Somebody else needs to care for your grandfather during this time - and probably long term.

ZippyZee Jan 2022
You're about to be a parent. It's far past time to stand up for yourself and not let this belligerent old man bully you. Leave him to his own devices, he is not your responsibility. Time to completely stop helping him.

If he refuses to move to a facility he can just rot in his home alone. Literally if need be.

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