Hello all, it's been a very rough year. My mom made the decision to stop dialysis and she passed away in March. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My paternal grandmother passed in late October, followed 8 days later by my maternal grandmother (who lived alone and whose estate I am now working to settle with the very limited help of my half brother), Paternal grandmother left my grandfather behind, who is actually completely illiterate and requires help with his medicine, appointments, and paying bills. He is 79 years old and very bullheaded, myself and my fiance are the only people who he will allow to help with anything. He also lives an hour away from me. I am the only family he has left besides a couple of elderly sisters and a few estranged cousins. I am sitting here, 17 days away from baby's due date, wondering how in the world I am going to be able to help him once I have the baby. Shoot, I can barely help him now. An hour's car ride with a baby sitting on my bladder is nearly impossible. And I know I can't take the baby back and forth in the freezing cold once he's here. Grandfather is currently in the hospital for what they think is his 5th heart attack in the last 6 months because he refuses to settle down. I am at my wits end, everyone. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed, and so does grandpa. I cannot put him in a home, I just watched my mom die in a home this year and I won't do that. But I am not sure of any home health programs that are actually affordable for an elderly man who already struggles to pay his bills? I appreciate any ideas guys thank you.
If Gpa is in hospital/rehab right now, you have a golden opportunity to place him someplace safe and close to you.
Work with the discharge planners to get him into a good place.
You have NO IDEA what you're in for. I have 5 kids. I could no more have cared for an aging parent/grandparent than I could have flown to the moon.
You need to set boundaries NOW, before baby shows up. It's NOT your step g dad's call at all. HE does need to make decisions and they need to work for everyone. BUT, baby takes precedence.
DO NOT let this old guy move in with you and fiance and baby. You need to focus on your family. The first few weeks with baby are critical and you will be tired and trying to do 'all the things'.
Maybe gpa doesn't WANT others helping, but that's just too bad. LET HIIM move into his own trailer and let it go. You can do what you can do without being 'there' in person. Setting up his finances, setting up MOW and transport to and from drs appts and such (set up his CC with Uber--easy peasy).
Just please don't let him into your little family circle. Sometimes that works, more often, though, it becomes a nightmare and you need all your strength for the months ahead.
When we have had to stay longish term in areas, we have found these to be nice communities with social activities and pleasant neighbors.
If he is dead set on remaining at home or in his RV this is a good option to get him closer to you and services.
Can he barely pay his bills because of money or other challenges? He knows how to survive with his limited abilities, I wouldn't stress about what he doesn't have, focus on his abilities, he has made it this far.
Congratulations on your new baby!
OP should just tell the hospital social workers/discharge planners that FAMILY will not be physically there. They cannot be with a new baby on the way. Let the professionals decide what to do with that situation.
Make it clear: Your baby is your priority. You have room for him in your life, but it'll be at your house, not his. The baby's needs and schedule by necessity come first, so if he wants help, the ball's in his court and he knows how to get it.
His only input is that you must uproot your family and live in his two bedroom trailer. Does he also expect you will also change jobs or is he thinking you will drive an hour back each way to work? And of course chip in because he already can't pay his own bills.
He refused your generous offer of having him come to your home. In other words, his way or the highway. That's really not a good position of argument from someone who is unable to care for themselves, expecting someone else to pitch in, and just had yet another health crisis (and toss in a new baby). Really?
Because you are ready to have a baby and CANNOT help him for the time being, he is an unsafe discharge. He cannot adequately care for himself and there is no one else able to meet his needs. The hospital will them at least rehab him somewhere and it will go from there. He will at least be safe and care for in the meanwhile.
I've come to the conclusion that "homes" (assisted are skilled) are what they are. They are not and never will be home. But those that need that assistance don't have another choice....unless they can get a family member to upend their lives to care for them. Not everyone can just do that. And its okay to say no. When the elder doesn't prepare for their aging, all you can do is all you can do. It won't be perfect, ever. Mother didn't like her recent stint there, but if she is unable to maintain herself in a reasonable manner in her home which "some help" from me, she will have to do something else. Remaining in her home requires me to live next door.....which wasn't my future plan at all.
Why not?
"he was dead set we were going to move into his 2 bedroom trailer with him with the new baby. When I told him this was not going to happen and that he should come live with us in our 3 bedroom house with all sorts of room... he said forget it, I'll just live in my RV when the time comes."
Are you going to place the priority on your child, which is what you should do? Even if you got him to move in with you, you wouldn't be placing the priority on your child.
Why can't he go to a facility that isn't far from you? Let others do the caregiving, and you can visit him and be a loving granddaughter and not a 24/7/365 caregiving slave.
No, you can't live with Grandpa in his trailer. Nor should he be coming to live with you. With a trailer and I'm gathering just SS, he needs to apply for Medicaid immediately, which might bring Meals on Wheels for food, a Medi-Van out there for his appointments. As far as bills, have him give you his bank password for one day so you can switch over all his utilities to insta-pay, then help him change his password again and make sure he writes it down somewhere where only he has it since he doesn't want you or anyone as his POA.
There will be home health care resources available, but these people visit only occasionally. With five heart attacks in six months, he may well be at a 24/7 need. It may already be. As I'm consistently saying, not many people have an extra $200K/year to ensure this is done properly, nor do you have the time given the baby and your fiance to do it either.
If he refuses to move to a facility he can just rot in his home alone. Literally if need be.
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