Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
J
Jules7 Asked October 2021

Why am I so angry with my grandmother?

She has dementia. I moved in with my grandparents to help with my grandfather who had Alzheimer's disease. When he passed away, I moved my grandmother in with me. I have no siblings, children, parents, significant other or friends. I took a leave of absence from work. I'm drowning in debt, depression, and guilt. I have a lot of patience. Teaching middle school for 22yrs. helps. Yet, I still get so angry, internally, with my grandmother. She is argumentative, stubborn, mean, etc. It's not the grandmother I grew up with but the disease. I know this so why can't I stop the anger and frustration. It breaks my heart watching her try to remember things or do things. She was a strong, independent woman especially for her time. I love her so much. I am blessed to still have her in my life at 91 years old. She has a "son" who does nothing to help. He is critical and cruel. Yet she takes it from him and checks her phone numerous times a day to see when he last called. Waiting for him to call again. HELP!

Geaton777 Oct 2021
Are you concerned that if you transition her into a facility that you will lose your place to live? This is a common dilemma. Please understand that she may be better off in a facility with other people. She waits for her son to call because there aren't enough distractions, like activities, events, visitors, like there may be in a care community. If she can't afford it, you can apply for Medicaid for her. Her behaviors and health will only decline and her care needs intensify. What's your plan for that? There are options, but you need to come to peace with one. It will be harder and then eventually better for you. Blessings to you for caring about her so much.
Jules7 Oct 2021
I own my home. My gma lives with me. She has been going to a Senior Center for a while now 8am to 2pm 3x weekly. Gma doesn't remember what she has done or who she is befriending but she is enjoying the Center. We have a schedule at home that Gma and I follow that her doctor suggested. Brain games, family photo games, etc, I will not put her in a Home ever. I will hire round the clock nursing care if needed. Her father was in a nursing home. I remember the smell of urine and his rapid decline. Gma is my number one priority. Thank you for the blessings. They are always good to hear.
ZippyZee Oct 2021
Sounds like you're suffering from FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

If you're "drowning in debt" she needs an alternate living situation ASAP or you'll destroy your own future and be completely screwed when she passes.

Put her in a Nursing Home or Memory Care.
whatdidigetinto Nov 2021
Also F for Frustration. One thing I have learned, finally, after way too long, is that when I get angry, I'm usually actually frustrated. Frustrated that I can't make them well, frustrated that everyone places everything on me and I keep taking it.

ADVERTISEMENT


NYCmama Nov 2021
You’re angry cuz you’re tired and fearful of the future. My heart goes out to you-it’s hard to take on so much responsibility knowing there will be more decline.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job but are on overload. I think you should create a dialogue with her son informing him how she’s really doing, how you need more help with her, and how much she misses him. He needs to know. Perhaps he can help financially (as he should) with contributing towards more local help. If funds aren’t available from Gram or her son, apply to Medicaid for in home care. You need a break.
Please stay on this site as a source of information and support. God bless you!

Sadinroanokeva Nov 2021
So sorry…I get the pain. When I found myself frustrated and angry I sought mental counseling..THE most valuable thing I learned was I am NOT responsible to keep my mom happy..I am responsible to keep her fed, a roof over head and her safety..Now when she is grumpy, depressed over her lot in life {Lewy Body Dementia}..I hear my counselors words! It made all the difference in the world to learn…..moms happiness is not my job. Quite honestly mom was never happy, always depressed and a complainer. So at 88 she remains a unhappy gal. I do what is within reason…My brother does a couple of hours a week visiting..he feels ok with that. Maybe gramma needs an assisted living situation where you can visit and have enough energy left to work and relax.

BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Jules7,

Let me start off by saying you're a wonderful person and your grandmother is lucky to have you. Never say never though. Sometimes there's no choice but to put a person in a care facility.
You say that she has a son who is critical and cruel to her, yet she's able to keep her behavior in check with him. So she isn't as far gone with dementia as maybe you think.
I've been a caregiver to more elders with dementia then I can count. One thing that I learned over the years, is that many elders with dementia will abuse their caregivers, but are able to keep it in check around other people. This is when boundaries must be established and reinforced with the elder. No one has to tolerate abuse.
When she is being stubborn, argumentative, and mean you get up close, look her straight in the eye and tell her loudly and firmly that she will not treat you in such a way. They walk away and completely ignore her. You must set boundaries and learn to ignore with love if you're planning on keeping her with you at home.
Jules7 Oct 2021
I think it is because she is on the phone with him. He lives up north. She gets off the phone crying but unable to repeat any of what he has said. I started listening to their calls after the second time this happened. Not everytime but when I hear her getting upset, He says things like, you are faking it or you are crazy. She just says either okay or yes. I do not think she is comprehending what he is saying but knows it was hurtful. With me, she forgets within minutes of being mean. She still seems upset but when I ask her what is wrong she will tell me she is fine. Meanwhile, I'm still wiping tears from my eyes. The doctor suggested a puppy. I love the little guy but wish I didn't listen to the doctors advice. Gma asks me several times a day what she should be doing. I made a schedule from 8am to 10pm with different activities. I have notes all over the house to help her remember things. It just never feels like I'm doing enough.
Raskasha Nov 2021
Anger is just another word for another emotion. I believe that yours may be frustration, loss, and betrayal from her son. I take care of my mother, whom has become someone different. It is hard to see the person you love turn into a stranger. It breaks my heart because I see her sitting there, and yet I am already mourning the mother that I have lost. I have learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has given me tools to use to communicate, and to understand what the person you are taking care of is also going through. Breath! You are doing a remarkable job, and you are a wonderful granddaughter! Check out her videos. I have found them comforting and educational. Remember that you are not alone, and we are here for you. God bless.

Cashew Oct 2021
Along side the feelings of grief and loss with your grandmother's slow passing, there is also a fear of your future.

svking Nov 2021
God bless you, Jules7 for caring for your grandmother with such love and sacrifice. You will read a lot on this forum about how important it is to take care of yourself. It's not easy to do that when so much of your time, energy, and emotion is focused on caregiving. Others have suggested looking for a long term care facility for your grandmother. If that bothers you, think of it as an act of self-care. It's not just to help your grandmother (which it would likely do), it's a way to help yourself, and that is by no means selfish. How can you continue to help your grandmother if you burnout? And when you do completely burnout, you may not have the emotional and mental strength to make good decisions for your grandmother and yourself.

You mentioned that your grandmother goes to a senior center a couple of times a week. Most senior centers have staff on hand to discuss exactly what you're dealing with. They may even be able to help you find a good facility and talk to you about managing finances (many help fill out Medicaid applications with you).

What ever you do, please know that you are not alone in your feelings of anger. Many of us caregivers cope with these difficult emotions. My counselor tells me to "put your anger and worry to work." In other words, use those emotions to help move you to actions that are productive. Please know that many here understand and support you.

Nanulinda1 Nov 2021
I think her being argumentative, stubborn and mean might have something to do with it . And , I think you being human has something to do with it, too . No one understands what we are going through except those of us who are . Our loved , very much loved ones are no longer with us. The disease has changed them ..They live in a totally different reality . They have lost so much of who they were and we have lost them . We were not prepared for this and they were not either . Attending a CareTakers meeting has helped me immensely. My group is on line , twice a month . First thing I heard that really helped me was, their “brain is broken” . If I keep that foremost in mind , it helps .. Another thing I learned was that I would need help and would also have to take care of my self . In my situation it is a 24/7. We are retired. I do the best I can with what I have to work with . We do have a helper come in 3 hours a week . They walk and talk and it gives me some time that I don’t have to think about him . I also work his doctors appointments around the things I need to do to keep my sanity . I breakfast with the girls once a week . I attend my quilt meeting weekly and places I used to go ( dominoes) I now have them come to my house. He is in good enough shape that I can leave him to food shop and do errands . As for her son, there is nothing you can do . I suggest you call your local council on aging and talk to them . They will be able to head you in the right direction to find you information on meetings , in home care and legal issues. Remember , Her Brain is Broken and take care of your self .. She can’t help it !

BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
MJ1929,

Could you list the nursing homes you visited that don't stink like urine and crap and are not depressing?
I've been in many nursing homes and have yet to find the one you're talking about. Where is it?
I'm sure there must be establishments like the ones you speak of but unfortunately most people aren't millionaires who can afford such lovely places.
lealonnie1 Nov 2021
I had my mother in Hallmark Nursing Center in Denver Colorado for rehab for 3 weeks in July of 2019 and it was a lovely place; no urine odor at all, no odors in fact, bright & airy, lots of activities, a nice dining room and a big arts & crafts room, a small ice cream parlor open daily from 1-4 pm, gardens, sitting areas outside, etc. The staff was attentive & well trained, too.

https://lcca.com/locations/co/hallmark/


When she runs out of $$ to private pay in the Memory Care ALF she's living in now, I'm going to place her there and apply for Medicaid. Not 'all' SNFs are horrible places, that's a fact.
See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter