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Dad passed, I stayed 8 months with mom but finally brought her home to live w/me. She's 90 w/dementia, 1 kidney, not much colon, & she's so sweet. She poops & pees before she makes it to the bathroom which both are very small (as it's just me n my dog) & although I had the tub removed & handicap shower installed, my little 2 bedroom/2 bath home is just not equipped for a walker/wheelchair. I've started after 8 months of 24/7 care which she needs, hired care givers. 10 am-5 pm & 10 pm-5am but on their days off and the 10 hrs in btwn shifts I'm going crazy!! It's not her fault at all but she gets up 5 times a night which in turn I have to go to change her... I'm starting to resent her.


Even w/caregivers there, I'm trying to get their home ready to sell, finally got 25 yrs of stuff rid of (no help from the corona virus) & trying to get my place back to normal after being gone 8 month. Not to mention dad's funeral, getting finances in order, etc. I should be grateful they had $$ to hire caregivers but I feel resentful when it's just me or guilty when I think that way.

Sounds like you definitely need a bedside commode and also for mom to wear diapers/Depends. If she's getting up 5 times a night, that means you are not getting the proper rest you need to be able to function properly. No wonder you are angry and resentful. Lack of sleep will do that to you.

When my husband was still mobile, he was getting up every hour on the hour to go to the bathroom. And the fact that he had had a stroke and was very slow moving, meant that I had to get up with him. Needless to say, neither of us got any sleep, and I honestly felt like I was losing my mind because of the lack of sleep. I could barely function. It was at that time that he started to wear diapers(I never call them that, only underwear)and I told him that after midnight he wasn't allowed to get up until 3:00 a.m., and then not again until 6:00 a.m., so we both could get a little more sleep. I of course had to change his underwear at 3:00 and 6:00, as he would be soaked, but at least we got a few hours of sleep in there. He now has a supra pubic catheter(which is a permanent catheter), and that makes life a whole lot easier. I only have to empty his bag twice a day.

Don't beat yourself up for getting angry or resentful. You're only human. And any caregiver that says they never feel that way is lying. You're doing the best you can, and that is all any of us can do. Hang in there, and any time you need to vent, you know you can come here.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to funkygrandma59
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Maybe keep a journal about all of her behaviors, including all the times she goes to the bathroom. You may be able to pick up on a pattern of when she's going every night so you can be better prepared. Also diapers may be beneficial in this case if you are not already using them. It might be embarrassing to your mom having to wear them, but just reassure her that they will make her life easier. When she does have an accident and wants to help, try giving her a washcloth to fiddle with, or distract her with conversation. Whenever my grandmother gets messy, I like to use baby wipes, and warm soapy towels. For messes under the nails, I use a metal spoon cleaner and a nail brush. This situation might be scary and embarrassing for your mom, so being as loving and encouraging towards her as possible will go a long way. For when you start to feel guilty or resentful, just know that this is not an easy job. Find ways to try and relax, and just try your best.
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Reply to millefolium
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I haven't thought of that. Thank you.. when she poops though omg, it's everywhere.. she tries to "help" & gets it on herself everywhere as well. I try to make her just stand and hold the handicap bars but she won't because she wants to "help" aughhhhhh!
Funny, it never happens on the cg shifts!
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Reply to azbill1
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Have you considered a Bedside commode? 5 Times is a lot. Would be easier on her too.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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