I am soon to be 28 years old in May and I suffer from Depression, Stress, and Anxiety (all diagnosed by my doctor). I was self appointed a Caregiver to my Grandfather after my Grandmother had passed from pancreatic cancer as her last will and Testament.

It has been 2 to 3 years since then and I just had about enough of my current situation I find myself in. I currently find myself being trapped and unable to get myself Financially Stable to be able to support myself if anything were to happen to my Grandfather, who currently pays the rent, light bill, car insurance of the car that he practically "gave to me" since he can no longer drive it, and sometimes buys groceries for the house when I'm unable to financially.

I try my best to make sure to take care if his needs, no matter how selfish they may be; Ex. Going to Whataburger late at night for his midnight snack or doing something last minute before I head off to work or last-minute in general when I've made time sensitive plans. As well as taking care of my own needs, like my bills and other issues, etc.

It has gotten to the point that this living situation is getting hard on me as I feel like I'm not truly being an "Adult" and handling my issues (work, money, etc.)as an "Adult" should, as far as not having to pay rent, car insurance, and a light bill. And I keep getting reminded of this fact when I try to vent or explain how overwhelmed I feel when expressing these feels to my own mother or blatantly disregarded when I express it to my Grandfather. ( whenever he has his selfish Fitz, I get disregarded with, " I heard it all before, I don't want to hear that.")

I feel so tired, overwhelmed, stressed, underappreciated just because I don't pay certain bills in the house mainly because my measly paycheck can't even cover it and then try to pay my own bills. I've lost two of my job because I was taking care of my grandparents ( I've lost the second job because of covid and my grandfather's COPD emergencies and my Depression episodes.) And the current job I was lucky to get because of my brother is only enough for me to pay my bills because I was denied unemployment.

The way how things are is awful. My own mental health and physical health is at a terrible status, especially when one of my doctor had warned me of my stress levels being dangerously High to the point of having a brain aneurysm if I don't find a way to alleviate my stress.

And at this point, I don't know if it's my Depression getting worst because of the stress, but I just want ever thing to just stop. Because I'm so tired of thinking, having mood swings, being in pain and suffering like this. But all I hear from my Grandfather and my mother is that "I'm Lazy, and I'm not doing anything worthwhile because I don't pay rent, a light bill, and car insurance.

It really does feel like I have no emotional support.... And that just makes me feel Iike I shouldn't even be here then. You know, since I'm lazy and all that. What's the point? I basically just resent them both now. And I resent myself for putting my trust in them to have my back when things got hard to do everything on my own. While trying to get my life in order.

I think that you could benefit from being completely away from all of your family members so you can figure out who you are and what you want for your future.

They don’t have a hold on you. You may feel trapped. You are free to leave. You won’t have it as easy as you do now with being able to lean on them financially, but you are paying a pretty high price for that convenience, which is actually more of a hindrance.

Do what many of us did when we were young and broke. We had roommates. Start saving a few dollars every single paycheck. As soon as you can, move out and don’t look back.

I guarantee that as soon as you leave they will make plans for grandpa. If you wish to be polite, thank him for his hospitality, then go. If he doesn’t receive your message well, it’s rude of him. Honestly, he should be thankful to you for receiving caregiving at a ‘discount’ rate! He would have to pay others much more than he has given to you.

I despise when people act like they are being generous when they aren’t. It’s even worse, if they are using others. Don’t play these games with your family. They are making up all the rules. Move out and YOU get to make the rules.

Best of luck to you. Take care.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

I'm actually 27 going on 28 (my birthday is May 27th).

"you moved in with your grandparents. Your grandmother, very sadly, passed from pancreatic cancer, and made some sort of final plea that you would continue to "take care" of your grandfather - who, by the way, at 72 is far from counting as elderly - and presumably that this caretaking would cut both ways."

Yes, I agreed to move-in with my grandparents mainly on behalf of Grandmother's wishes, because she felt lonely and my grandfather self-isolates and drinks in his room and never gave her attention and just supported her financially. And since I was going through hardships myself (with my mother and other Family members) she wanted me to come live with them. And since she passed away, my Grandfather basically picked up "Financially Supporting" me after I lost my 2 jobs while caring of my ill grandparents, which I'm very uncomfortable with him doing due to past traumatic events with my family when I wasn't able to support myself at young age

"Other family members are supportive of keeping you in paid employment..."

For more clarification, my other family members doesn't care about what happens to me or my Grandfather, unless it would benefit them in some way. Just like when my Grandmother passed, they'll come over to claim all his money and belongings. it's basically just me and him, with the rare occasion of my mother helping out.

"Pausing there, where would you *like* to be? Before all this began, what were your aims and ambitions?"

I used to huge big ambitions and a passion to get into Technology Industry, building Computers, creative unique software, and one day starting my own company. But now, I just want to sleep a lot runaway by going long drive away from home and/or sit outside dreeding to walk in the house to start the whole caretaking process all over again. And having my mind wonder whether or not I've already passed and this is my form of hell that I can't escape with Suicidal Thoughts in tow. Don't worry, just like I told therapist, I'm not the type of person to actually go through with it. Because I know deep down, it doesn't solve my situation. And I still feel some sort of ambition in my life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AriPixel
ZippyZee May 8, 2021
The fact you're in therapy is good. Many people have too much misplaced pride to seek help when they need it.

Frankly, what happens to your grandfather is largely irrelevant. It's not your responsibility; and you don't indicate he has any dementia issues, so if he needs help he call 911 and get taken care of. You need to take that first step towards the rest of your life, and it sounds like getting out of your bad living situation is the way to do it.

29 is still super young, you can still follow those dreams and get into the tech field.

Good luck and stay strong.
See 2 more replies
I'm not sure it's helpful to the OP to regard this as the result of cruel and selfish manipulation on her family's part. No one is trying to stop her getting a good job, or moving on and living independently; but because of her depression and anxiety she's finding it incredibly hard to get motivated to get on and her family seems not to have grasped what the reality of depression is like.

Meanwhile she has a home, her bills paid, use of car which is also paid for, back-up (at least) with groceries and some encouragement (at least) to stay in paid work. If her grandfather expects her to make herself useful from time to time, and to be there in case of emergency, is that so unreasonable? There's no suggestion he won't be perfectly content to make other arrangments once she's standing firmly on her own two feet - the "last will and testament" comment can't be anything more than a turn of phrase, since no testator can stipulate any such condition in a will.

I suspect the depression and anxiety were busily fermenting before she moved in. And now her grandmother has just died young of a horrible disease. Poor kid is certainly going through the mill, all right - I just don't think it's got much to do with the actual caregiving.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Countrymouse

Am I correct in understanding that in her will your Grandmother requested you take care of your Grandfather? If so, you are under no moral or ethical obligation to carry out her wishes. Why didn't she request that her own children do it? THEY'RE the lazy ones. And manipulative. And cold. You can't pick your relatives but you can vote with your feet and move out, move on.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and now you have to make some decisions that others won't be happy with -- but you're not responsible for their happiness. I understand that you can't afford to move out...yet. If I were in your situation and had 0 support from my family I'd keep my goal of moving out a secret from them so they can't manipulate and guilt you. Make a move-out date as a goal so you have something to aim for. Ask your family for other tasks to do to earn more cash and bank it. Just keep banking as much money as you can. Your family obviously is used to controlling people with their money. This is what you need to cut loose from. Look into any social services you may qualify for: Section 8 housing, food stamps, etc. It's only temporary. I think you know (and dread) that your family will be enraged by your dash for freedom. Please understand that no matter what comes out of their mouths you musn't internalize any of it. Time may heal those family wounds. But no one can take advantage of you unless you allow it, so you must stop allowing it. I predict they'll actually gain respect for you, eventually. They don't respect you now because you don't respect you.

If you have any friends or family allies, see if you can do any "couch camping" to save on rent even for a month. You can probably actually work for a caregiving agency with your current skills, as a temporary full-time job (because there is high need). But you need to move out and move on. Remember: do not tell them your plan until you have everything in place to launch. Your parents and grandfather are full grown adults that know how to solve problems. They just don't need to because you're the solution and they (wrongfully) think you're the permanent solution. And the more abuse you take from them, the more convinced they are of the permanency of you being the solution.

Most of all, you need to set boundaries. You need to speak with a therapist. There are online therapists nowadays, which is better than nothing. Have plan, make forward progress every day, even if it's tiny just keep moving forward. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Don't tell the nay-sayers what you're doing because they will poop all over it -- it will panic them and then they'll come at you like spider monkeys because how dare you poop on THEIR cozy arrangement.

God bless you -- I mean it. May you gain courage, wisdom, peace in your heart, and a wonderful new life and find people who really care about you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777

If you appointed yourself, then UNappoint yourself :)

He could easily live another 20+ years. Get out now or you could very well find yourself in the same position when you're 50 instead of 28.

You're right to be worried... unless you plan on being a caregiver permanently for others once grandpa's gone (frankly, an awful career path with little pay, and the very real potential to severely damage your physical/mental health), you need to take some actions now and plan for your future.

This will likely involve schooling of some sort, assuming you do not have relevant job experience.

Texas is renowned for it's low cost of living, and fantastic economy. Even with a minimum wage job (and you should be able to do better, assuming high school graduate) you should be able to figure out some independent living situation, like having roommates.

Look for lower cost Community Colleges. They specialize in career training for jobs local to the area, and are usually a much more secure school to job pathway than a traditional university.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ZippyZee

So, to rewind: aged about 24, not having yet found a direction in life to follow, you moved in with your grandparents. Your grandmother, very sadly, passed from pancreatic cancer, and made some sort of final plea that you would continue to "take care" of your grandfather - who, by the way, at 72 is far from counting as elderly - and presumably that this caretaking would cut both ways. You have a roof over your head and financial subsidies. Other family members are supportive of keeping you in paid employment, but at this stage the employment does no more than get you out of the house, give you a timetable, and cover the most basic of basics.

I expect you do suffer from depression, yes; and I expect that your living situation - straddling independence and family support with no obvious route to anything better and constant (if not very onerous) demands on your time - is extremely stressful. I do sympathise and I have been there. It is very hard to see your way out of a hole when it feels as if it's getting deeper every day.

Pausing there, where would you *like* to be? Before all this began, what were your aims and ambitions?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter